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Frustrating And Lost Hope In Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kurinje, Oct 23, 2019.

  1. kurinje

    kurinje New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    This is more like a vent. I lost hope in everything so no hope that any suggestion or advice would make any change in my life. Sorry for being so negative.

    About me - I don’t have good bonding with parents and it’s been 4 years since we spoke to them. Gone through a lot of abuse and lack of love from my mother esp. This has some impact in me and made me a bit insecure and also long for love. After settling all my duties and depts got married at 28. I really fell in love with my husband and was really happy to marry him. But things were not same. He seems to be very tough and mammas boy.


    Initial years were so difficult as he didnt really accept me I could feel. For ex he would buy Sarees, gifts for his mom n sis in front of me but wouldn’t buy me anything. He earns very well and settled too. I have been working even after marriage after few months of struggle to find job in foreign land. He bought a big house and expensive furnitures for us. Would take to good holidays to five star resorts. But still wouldn’t let me do some shopping or give me any gifts. I was really down with this nature and couldn’t keep wearing same cloths I bought before marriage. It took 3 years for me to get control and start buying for me. He still buy only for his mom n sis but I go alone and buy for me.

    We had a baby and after baby lots of problems because of his parents, his nature and he sent me back to his parents house in India for few months. It was so difficult to spend my time there for 4 months with a new born but I had no choice. I had no where to go. My mom didn’t want me there and since then there is not even a formal call with them. Fast forward, I came back to UK and resumed work. Managed house, job, baby and his nursery runs all by myself. My husband started getting some bond with me seeing my hard work. I wouldn’t call it love but just sympathy.

    Our sex life has always been great. I got pregnant again accidentally and we decided to go ahead. Unfortunately in my third trimester lost my baby prince. It shocked me again. I was emotionally down and thought it’s because of my hectic life this happened. Both I and husband wanted to have another baby as we promised to have him back when he is ready. I would regularly visit his burial ground cry and beg him to come back. Then I got pregnant again in 5 months. I quit and took good care of pregnancy. My baby boy was born and is now 12 weeks.


    The problem here is my husbands stone like character. He never shares any happiness or anything with me. His parents have come this time and it’s really nightmare. I am taking care of them and she doesn’t do anything. I had csection and even while I was at hospital she didn’t visit or send any food to me. I couldn’t BF because of lack of food and I was so weak I couldn’t move from bed. Midwife’s told me I need to good food to recover but still no empathy from family. Husband started going for work in just one week. It’s so hard with newborn and toddler. My first boy is very attached to me that he wants only me for everything from brushing teeth to going to bed in night. It is really very exhaustive and I feel like death would be paining like this only.


    My husband never accompanied for any of postnatal appointments. I had to drive myself and go alone for baby vaccinations and my appointments too. My heart cries out so much that even in my third delivery I go through this kind of cruel behaviour.


    There are so much in my heart that I can’t write each n everything. But I just lost hope in everything. It’s been a month since we both spoke. I wake up at 5 everyday and do all chores till 10.30 and do night care for baby too. So cruel and inhuman I am just not able to accept it.


    I just don’t have anyone to go and take a break of few weeks and he keeps taunting me about that too. Why do woman go through such humiliations always. I trusted him and married leaving my good job, friends, country and moved to a new place. It’s so easy to say go back after spending years with me. Is this not my house too? Don’t I have equal rights to stay here? I really feel suicidal but thinking of my boys I live quietly like a maid, slave.

    You all might suggest or ask me many things but to tell you one thing my husband is very strange character. He wouldn’t even bother if I talk or try to make him understand anything: it’s worse than talking to rock.
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I am sorry you are having a tough time. You have married a rock , so you have to turn into a boulder to match up to him. He will treat you like a maid, only if you let him. Recuperate from the tough delivery and focus on your newborn. Do the bare minimum that keeps you and children happy and well fed.
    You will have to toughen up and plan to live selfishly like him. Seek help or counseling, specially since you feel suicidal.
     
    kurinje, MalStrom, shravs3 and 7 others like this.
  3. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    wake up. this is not stone character. this is just abuse. and you are openly taking abuse , thinking it is your duty

    stop doing any physical activity till you recover. elder kid should be taken care by h. till you recover. make him understand or he never will then after some years you will be in depression.
     
    kurinje and SinghManisha like this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    A miscarriage and a childbirth with unhelpful in laws around is heartbreaking. Give yourself some self love.
    You have been through a lot recently girl....be kind to yourself.
    There is a possibility you could be suffering from post partum depression.

    Go see your doctor and discuss the possibility of PPD and also your general health .

    If there is depression....then it casts a shadow on everything in life. Everything appears dark . It overshadows the positives.
    Get this sorted out first.

    As for husband....this guy is acting like the typical Indian guy when he is around his parents.

    Tell him you are not well and need his help .
    Remember....you both together choose to make this new baby less than a year ago. You both can still discuss about your life together.Seek his help .

    As for your health. Nothing is more important than that . Forget about inlaws and doing anything for them. Just worry about yourself .
    Take care of the little one and send the older one to daddy when he needs time. Later once he is fed etc...you can bond with him too.

    If possible,get help for house work atleast for 1-2 months. Tell husband you need it .
    Order food from outside if required.
    Tell husband to get fruits,dry fruits ,milk. Etc and keep close by.
    Make one pot meals if you need to cook ....khichdi,pulav etc.

    If you are not feeling strong enough,just hand over kids and sleep till you get the energy back. Let others deal with the kids too. They are not just your sons .

    Get all the help you need from anyone and everyone girl. You deserve it and it is your right .

    Hope things get better in the near future and you are feeling more positive about life.

    Hugs to you and your little boys.
     
  5. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Leave kids in day care and go for counselling first please. It's not healthy for you to go on.
    I think because he knows you have no one to turn to, he can do whatever he pleases. If he finds out you have people to rely on, he will be more careful.
    But anyway why would you want to be with someone who gives you so much pain and no happiness. That's not marriage that's prison. Single mom life will be easier than this. You would have to care for your kids but there would be no added burden to carry this stone dragged to your feet. And there won't be additional negativity from him and his family. If you can prove this mental trauma he is causing with the help of counselor, you should probably get settlement from him. And he will have to pay childcare to you no matter what.
    Do you not have any extended family that is good to you. Just emotional support, calling once in a while to check up on you? Aunt, cousins, someone? Try to get in touch with them if you can.
     
    kurinje, SinghManisha and shama146 like this.
  6. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Please.... take SOME emotional help... confide in a friend or counsellor.... contemplating a suicide is not a bright sign. Do this FIRST.

    Secondly... do you realise how special/ imp you are... as a mum, as a person?. Dont let your husbands monsters put you down. His monsters his problem. When he insults or shouts... be firm, I repeat firm and calm. Do what you can not what he orders.

    Why did you leave friends?... make friends.. chat to them on everything from gossip to politics to household. Take up a hobby with them or learn a new thing... what you going to lose?

    Lastly, take care of YOURSELF... there is someone in you who is special, nurture and love it. Don't waste it on being a given up slave.

    Hugs and cheers... you cant do it, all you have to do is not to take blame for who your husband is or has become.
    Start Now!.. all the best!
     
    kurinje, SinghManisha and shravs3 like this.
  7. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Someday you will have the strength to leave this asshole , keep yourself alive for that day.
     
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  8. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    Don't suffer in silence. Ask help ,do only things which you can, don't worry about what they think, as a new mother you need all the help. Ask some paid help to come and assist, tell your DH to pay as you can't manage at this phase.send eldest to full-time school.
     
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  9. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    If you are financially independent than why do you want to live with this person.

    You will be at peace without him.
     
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  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    I am sorry for the loss of your baby. Please go to your doctor immediately and get screened for PPD. Your children need you to be strong and healthy both mentally and physically.
    Outsource as much as you can. Get help for housework. You should be able to find someone to deliver home-cooked Indian food, or just order ready to eat for yourself. If the others complain they can take care of their own meals.
    Look up doing the 180 in marriage. This is usually recommended for those who have suffered a spouses infidelity, but it is primarily a method to focus on caring for yourself and not bothering about your partner.
    Every time you get doubts stay strong for your babies.
     
    kurinje likes this.

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