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frustrated..pls help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by bhumi1231, Jan 26, 2012.

  1. bhumi1231

    bhumi1231 Senior IL'ite

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    I think am in lotta frustrarions these days..i dunno how am i going to handle this stress.

    its been more than a year of my marriage(love cum arranged)am alreay adjusting with my MIL's attitude which has been political and manupultive for me/parents.
    i have certain issues with her let me jot it down.

    1.She is widowed since few years,and had grown up my husb as less confident personality guy.she is a smart player,sweet from ouside and bitter n cunnig from behind.She owns this house and hence i dont find enogh space to breathe easily here.somewhere down the line i feel v irritating to keep posting her about minute happenings def as she owns this house she dictates.I was not aware of this attitude of hers.I saw that we denying to accept any of her terms,she threatened my Husb to leave tis house and live on rent,for which my Husb never accpeted saying to her that he has her resposiblity and he cant leave her like this..but still it happened few more times.i done feel any security in this case.He is used to this behaviour of hers as he has faced it befor marriage also.maybe now he is ok with her attitude but NEVER,as i dont belong to sch upbringing and i wonder such attitude.i had raise voice against the same as we caught her bitching against us on her phone to her Daughter(who is married with my brother and never faces such problems in her life as my brother is v protective).i had come with positive mind but myself is suffocated seeing she has no value for her son so forget abt me.i am getting negative and suffocatd,she was out for a month to her daughter(m brother)place,i lived my life so freely and had good days and today shes back and i saw myself v frustrated on her visit .

    2.During her stay out for a month she never ever bothered to call me whereas she made me cal her every 2-3 days when i used to go to myhometown infact my husb used to ask me to cal her else she might feel bad..now this time i asked my husb,i wish to see how much she cares to call me when shes out and she never did in whole month.this was pretty annoying as during our marriage she made huge issues inc my husb that i dintspoke to her for past 10-15 days ,and if am not bothered about my mIL ,my hus wont marry me.i was surprsed n knw she has brain washed him and bent down knowing he's personally a good guy but innocent enough to be brain washed by her.now when she behaving same my Hus was ok with it?i discussed with him that y now ur quiet,y iam being ignored and taken for grated?am i not family member?y u bth talk and i am ignored.on which he simply argued that shes elder,we shd cal and as u are also not calling her,but this time am not forcing u to tlak to her so thats fine ..but i was not fine as y this is so partial?she not calling is ok?and reg me he was ready to break marrige..i got reminded of all that issues and it made me upset since than..


    3.i love my husb.he is not egoistic,hes fine with what i cook,he gives me lotta space.but only issue is that he is not confident to fight back n protect me.he only fights when i ask him to or push him for anything gng wrng.i feel insecured as he has no fianncial plans for us.rather i feel as a wife am being ignored.
    we dont have sexual life .we havent made out till date as he has sme issues i doono what issues i forced him to visit sexologist who says he is phy fine must be carrying mental issues.ok i understood,i gave him all support,underating everything i can but at the end of day i dont find him taking any initiatives to resolve this problem,am stil a virgin n 32 ,i feel low now.i feel bad when my collgues ask abt my conceiving?for which i have no ans.i live in mumbai although i dont hail from mumbai,i belong to small town where i used to say n work comfortabley.life in mum is tough if have to do job n household work,but i am managing ,i get tired,,but now a days im thinking is this the life am expecting?is this maried life.?wake up in morningcook food leave for work .come back again some household help..make others happ ywith good food ,,watch tv and sleep alone besdes ur husb. who has no futureplans for me?:(

    after gng though all this am nw badly frustrated which made me spoke to my husb on v straight terms,,like what plans u have for me?are u thinking abt me? or taking m support n love for granted"?etc etc,,he was mum and hadno answers...i mean what is all this it was one sided talks..i know he lacks maturity but if he has partner to be there ,,why the hell he is beahaving like that..i shdnt but i am hating him for this..do this mean he is taking me for a ride?as nobody knows what goes in my bedroom i am only sufferer here?all feels we are happy go couple but im highly insecured.I cant take help of my parents as thy are v simple thy can support me,my brother is useless who never bother about me and only thinks of my husb mom who is his mother in law.but i dont gve any regards to sch ppl.i behave as if im strong in front of MIL too but down the line am v much worried.whats going to happen...i told my husd to make things correct in next6 months else i ahv to discuss this with my parents...and i knw he again will neglect this..

    i need to know what should be my behaviour with them now for my MIL am talkig less to her and have decided to be in limits.for my husb i feel frstrated with his attitude which seems to be slefish ,,how to behave with him?enough of me behaving sweet with him..this is not working....guys pls help













    :bowdown:drowning
     
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  2. bhumi1231

    bhumi1231 Senior IL'ite

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    also when she was out for a month,few days back my husband's uncle got an attack and was admitted near by hospital,in that incident i took care to cook food etc for them too, but during that time also she never spoke to me. instead she spoke to my husband only. i found this offending as if am doing something for their relatives , one must be little courteous...am really feeling bad. i feel am piece of s... here
     
  3. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    I read through your entire post and what I figured out is that you have listed the problems in reverse priority. You started with mil's issue, then with your emotional and physical relationship with your husband. I hope you werent paying much attention to the order here but clearly your own equation with your husband beats all other issues you may be having with your mil. Have you realized its extremely strange that are your marriage isn't consummated even after an year and your husband isn't open to discuss this? I do understand from your post that you love your husband very much your emotional love for him is beyond your physical needs, but that's fine as long as just 'love' is concerned. In marriage, the two kinds of love must be present, otherwise, it's not a 'normal' marriage.

    My foremost suggestion is sort out these things with your husband. Mil related issues can be kept to later stage. If your brother/sil are mature and understanding, you can try involving them in mending your relationship with your hubby. However, it's better you try on your own first. Take him to a doctor. Surely he has some problem and is shy too share with you. Which is a clear signal that all is not well between you both.

    Good luck.
     
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  4. bhumi1231

    bhumi1231 Senior IL'ite

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    welll i jotted down as and when thinds came in my mind ,yes i really wonder whts wrong he couldnt discuss anything with me?i mean he is actually not that matured as he shuld be,in lot many other matters as wel and communication has never been a part of his soritng out matters,i dunno he takes lot many things for granted in life..includng this matter,i took hinm to doctor as well and there also i was speaking and he was mum,,,i dont understand how to tazcke this,,should i be strict n adamant as its been long i dnt poke him for resolving matters and i think this freedom has been taken for granted
     
  5. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    How does he respond when you tell him you need to do 'it'?

    Is it that he's not interested, or doesn't know the moves, or has some medical problems? Will taking a break and going on vacation (just two of you) help?

    What did the doctor say when you took him there?

    Last but not the least, was he this non-communicative during your courtship days, or did this muteness onset after marriage?
     
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  6. yesican

    yesican Gold IL'ite

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    Just a wild guess - does your husband get inhibited at the thought of doing it with his mother in the house??
    I know i hve this issue - i can never do it with my hub in my parents place when we visit them, we tried but I just cant I feel so scared as if she might walk in or hear us or whatever...its just a silly problem, but since we visist my parents for some days only every year its not a big deal for us.

    Or else maybe your mil has so psychologicall bought ur dh's confidence levels down, that might be affecting him in the bedroom, in that case you need to build up his self confidence. There's a saying " a woman needs love from husband and a man needs respect from wife" -

    Another option might be he is a latent homosexual...I dunno which of these options might be the right answer
     
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  7. bhumi1231

    bhumi1231 Senior IL'ite

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    guys thnx for revert..

    well your queried above :

    1.i feel its not his mom only as we just spent a month together being his mom out of town..n i thght this wd be nice env,,i did my best to make him feel good,by cooking good food,not disc any issues,giving him all space,nonagging like his mom did,,,but i came back to zero :(..my efforts were wasted infact these were extra efforts.

    2.we were in long distance relationship and i was not aware of his phy issues .i mean we never intimted that much .also during our engagement to marriage period,he dint showed ny phy intimacy i asked him too abt it.

    3.yes his upbringing has lowered his confidencei feel so.as his mom is very pressurising and over confident lady.she has been boss of the house.He has been someoene in shell and non social person ,i came to know through his old friends.
    4.doctor checked him physically and said he has no issues,could be some mental probles or tensions for which he gave job pressures as reason which neither me or the doc believed...

    5.he is not a communicative person ,he can hardly communicate on sensible issues specifically these else if he talks generally hes good .

    6.i have no idea about his homosexuality thing,,,

    7.i dunno where am i leading to.i wish to improve on things.i think i have given enogh support and love..i need in return too
     
  8. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    dear bhumi, i think he is waiting for his mom to tell him when where and how.. this has happened to me in a minute level when i stayed with my inlaws. my mil dint tell my hubby "dont have sex with ur wife today" . but she did all the necessary things to make sure that we dont hav sex.

    since ur hubby had a single parent (that too a mom) there is a lot of chances that ur mil insisted ur hubby in lot many ways before his marriage to not hav sex with his wife by infesting many superficial things into his mind in the fear of losing his affection and support after his marriage. you hav to find out ur hubby's general thoughts about sex... if he likes a man & woman making love in the movies he is not at all a homo. has he ever been romatic to u talkin love words to u and jst hesitate to hav sex?? try different ways to seduce him and make it happen atleast once. he might catch interest after that.
     
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  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    This is a common story of a household with Insercure woman, then her insecurity being transferred via genes or upbringing to her son.... and a common component of a vast mumbai families... due to extreme resource constraint. So many posts from mumbaikars on MIL telling to get out of the house and over possessiveness or maybe more mumbaikars have net connection.

    1. get out of my house... at drop of hat.. cos they're in cloud 9 for owning a house in mumbai... beyond any other human value.

    2. my son.. my ultimate support system.. cant share him with anyone.. raise him with TOTAL control.. puppet him for xxx.. overtly anxious the moment son even closes the door.... or probab son waiting for his mom to teach him how to do IC as well.. after 2-3 yrs get passed.. blame the gal as childless.. resort/ pressurise for ART. .get a child.. treat DIL as dirt.

    Guys (Cat : momma's boys) dont like to make love to women who fight with their mothers.. or their mothers are unhappy with... their mind doesn't support the body (D).
    XXX does bring you to a closer bond.. and an overpossessive mother knows that. Her aim is to get her progeny and not closeness between you and her son.

    If she's decided to hate you.. things really cant change ever.. cos first feeling is last... esp with ILs.
    Also if you marriage is inconsumnated yet.... what are your future plans.

    You've jotted your thought patterns right... an overwhelming lady in the house who owns the credit for your virginity despite love marriage. Each person has their own pattern and issues in life... some think X is responsible for Y and some feel Y is responsible for X.. to each their own ways.... Pls preserve your thinking.

    Keeping him away from his mother with diff ppl or city will lead to more hostility.. when the umblical cord is not cut over so many yrs it wont get snapped with distance.. will only pain everyone arnd. Men are programmed to XXX, if they're not doing it .. they dont need it... and moving him away from his mother will only add to another blame on your head.
     
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  10. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Bhumi,

    As everybody suggested problem is not your MIL its your DH first. Encourage your MIL to go and live with your bro for a 3-4months. I guess even if you talk about intimacy problem openly chances are there your MIL might not go intentionally. Make your head noodles work to find reason to make her go to your bro place. Orelse ask your Dh to find job where your MIL wont join you ppl.

    I guess there are lot of issues and past thats running in his head. You have to take him to a pyschatrist to help him come out of his problems, work on his confidence and improve personallity.

    Dont argue and dont point out what he did or doing is wrong. More you ask for s** more he will loose his confidence. yes you need to make him work on this but without putting pressure. You did correct by giving him time but take one more step to take him to psychatrist. Tell him how beautiful your future will be.

    I dont know how many ppl would agree...you can better tell your parents now only, if they are understanding. They can also help and advice you in real time. Its difficult for you to understand and give all possible reasons of this behaviour of his.

    Keep him shocks, Go for adventures trip, go to trekking, make him dance, put some life in him.

    Strategise what you need to do, he cant be mum on your questions as he married you but dont pressurise him.
     

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