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frustated help me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pranavi1987, Feb 1, 2014.

  1. pranavi1987

    pranavi1987 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all this is pranavi frustated I got married an year back and moved to USA.
    I am working in software in India and USA. My Dh always critizes my family he points them that they didn't give gifts , he is good other than that my inlaws are also good I always listen to them so no issues, i say we already gave at time of marriage now I can't go back and ask, if you want I will give my salary not gifts actually my parents have responsibility back in India. We have no boys and girls are working from.childhood my aim is never trouble my parents I don't want to be dependent on them. Now they became old I say to my Dh if inlaws ask for gifts I tell I will buy and say my parents bought them he never agrees I don't want to make my inlaws and parents bad.
    Now I m pregnant my Dh is not interested to buy ticket if my parents come he scolded my dad, I told I will buy ticket already we gave them at time of marriage every thing now I told all my cousins though they are house wives their Dh bought ticket, now I m sponsoring visa I can't buy ticket.
    He scolded my dad with abusive word I felt bad I love my parents and his parents after I went to his house my mil scolded my dad and she said you don't have traditions your mother don't know how to do rituals . I bearered all, I have tensions at office and home. I can't ask my dad to buy ticket, though I m earning no independence, once my mil asked me deposit your salary you earned before marriage, my Dh says after engament salary.is ours. I told now I earn in dollars why do you worry about what i earned before marriage , its frustating I M all alone suffering in USA. I dont care if. They take my money pls respect my family.

    I like my inlaws and Dh.
     
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  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you, my dear.

    I'm sorry dear, what ever you say about your husband's redeeming qualities, your husband and in-laws are being JERKS. There are no two ways about it.

    Please remember this: You are a intelligent, educated woman with a good job in the new country you find yourself in. You are NOT any less than your husband's family that you owe them money and gifts for having married you! They are lucky to have you but are too stupid to realise it. They are NEVER going to give you the respect you deserve unless you demand it. You do NOT need their nonsense. Since you are pregnant, remember it is up to you to set the right example for your child.

    Being a nice, submissive, traditional wife and DIL is all well and good, but when the good manners you have been taught is being used against you to control your life, you need to take charge. You need to change your mindset first of all in order to bring any balance to your marriage. By that, I mean you need to regain your confidence that your husband has been steadily eroding since you got married.

    What your husband is doing constitutes Financial Abuse. Look up the term on the internet. While you are at it, please also look up Emotional Abuse. Buy or borrow self-help books about setting boundaries, assertiveness and regaining confidence. Even consciously changing your body language helps.

    Do not take any abuse. If your husband used bad language, hold your hand out as if saying STOP. Say, "Language! You need to calm down before you say anything more." Then leave the room. Do this consistently. Do not get into arguments. Learn relaxation techniques and practice them when something like this happens.

    If your ILs abuse you over the phone or anything, you need to repeat exactly this line and hang up. Things will become a bit worse once you start standing up for yourself because they will be annoyed that you are not being a doormat any more. But for this to work, you need to be strong. Do not go begging your husband for forgiveness. You are NOT doing anything wrong by standing up for yourself.

    While it might be difficult for your parents to make this change while talking to your ILs or husband, they need to try to keep away if your husband and family are going to be rude. And when they say gifts, they mean DOWRY. And that is against the law!

    Same with getting your parents over. It sounds like your husband is happy for bringing your parents over if only to have more people in the house to insult and massage his worthless ego. You don't owe any explanation for such idiotic behaviour. Be brave and do what you think is right.

    When you start standing up for yourself and your husband sees that you have become stronger, he will definitely try to pull you down. Do not budge and he will fall in place. It will mean you take charge of laying down your rules for a healthy marriage. Do your research, talk to domestic abuse helplines which provide anonymous assistance. Make changes to the way you react to these bullies, sweetheart, your life will change drastically.

    Last but not least, I must warn you of this - their trump card will be that your husband will abandon your child. Do not back down because of this. Call their bluff. It is not about society or tradition when you are being abused like this. A child needs a happy environment and a loving caretaker and who can be a good role model for him/ her. Again, I insist, you start building up your self-esteem before anything else. It will help you like nothing else will.

    Love
    G
     
    sindmani, anmolhai, Rihana and 2 others like this.
  3. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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    You need to have more sense of self-worth than what you are displaying. Without that no amount of advice will work. WE at IL do not have a magic wand or a "jadui mantra" to set things right. You are behaving like your in-laws did a great favor on you by marrying their son to you.
    Why can't you buy tickets ? Can you not do an account transfer to your parents's account so they could buy ticket or use your credit card or debit card for purchasing online tickets ?

    I see something wrong in your mode of thinking. Can't you see they are selfish, greedy and financially abusing you and exploiting your soft-heartedness ? they don't even have an iota of self-respect. Can't you be bold for your own sake ? If you don't learn to be bold now, how would you stand up for your children ?

    Tell your MIL that if your DH will deposit his salary earned before marriage to you or to your parents, you will too.

    On one hand you say that your MIL scolded your parents and on the other hand you say they are nice people and you like them ? I foresee a lot of trouble given your lenient attitude towards your MIL and DH. You know what, if you have this attitude (take my money respect my family) they will take all the money and still disrespect your family.

    It is good not to hate anyone, but that doesn't mean you start liking a person who is an abuser and behaves inappropriately.

    Sorry, please change your thinking. I guess, you have that lure of that elusive 'best DIL' certificate' for which you are pushing too hard and digging your own grave. And I agree with every word guesshoo has suggested - that's quite detailed and if that doesn't work for you nothing will unless of course, if you have hidden a material information relevant to your case.
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2014
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op...are you serious when you say your husband and in laws are good?They are shameless ,life long dowry seekers.There are laws in India to keep such jerks behind bars.
     
    3 people like this.
  5. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    though I m earning no independence, once my mil asked me deposit your salary you earned before marriage, my Dh says after engament salary.is ours. I told now I earn in dollars why do you worry about what i earned before marriage , its frustating I M all alone suffering in USA. I dont care if. They take my money pls respect my family.

    Please absolutely STOP giving your money to anyone. We are living in an unkind world with an uncertain future. If you want to give your hard-earned money to another person, better still, quit your job or volunteer for free.

    If your parents are in dire need, help them out. You want to bring your parents here, you can buy them the tickets. Your husband's money is for him, you and your kids. Your money is for you and you only. You can help your husband, kid, or your parents if need be, but until that necessity arises, it is yours only.

    Our lives as women are highly unpredictable even if today we have the most affectionate caring husband, parents, or in-laws. Never know when who will turn their back on us and dump us. Don't ever EVER let go of your money, it is what will secure your future into old age. "Together in sickness or health do we not part" is with money. Men will have affairs, we are only as good enough as long as we don't fight back with in-laws, and parents will wash their hands off saying it is your domestic problem, you figure it out, we have washed our hands off our responsibility. But money will be your best friend for life.

    So coming to your problem - let your husband and in-laws talk whatever they want. Just dont give them a cent.
     
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  6. pranavi1987

    pranavi1987 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your detail suggestions. I will be strong enough to handle this. Once again thanks to my il friends.who gave me valuble suggestions
     
  7. orchidgb

    orchidgb Silver IL'ite

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    hugs to you. be brave and strong. as guesshoo adviced follow it. if not you and your kid will be in most vulnerable position.
    my sil was housewife when she was preggy for both the kids my bro paid tickets to her parents to and fro and after 3 month 1 sight seeing too.
    now he did house warming function again he paid tickets for her parents to and fro to see their home.
    this is for the info.
     
  8. SHASHU

    SHASHU Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Pranavi,

    First relax Panavi dear.
    I had done a meditation course, where it was taught to us that, if someone is troubling you, he/she is the person whom u had troubled. So, to correct the situation now, pl start blessng them . Everyday in ur prayers say that I am blessing the world, and specially bless ur in laws and ur hubby. This will definitely work wonders.
    This is the simplest thing, which u can start immediately. This blessing exercise, i have tested on me and its working wonderfully.
    By blessing them, ur positive energies/vibration will go to them which will change their attitude.

    all de best

    shashu
     
    1 person likes this.

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