Friend Is Hurt- How To Help Her

Vedhavalli · Oct 25, 2018

My friend is very good person, down to earth, educated independent. Married for 5 yrs . She has a younger sister, whom her parents are seeking alliance.
Her family is well educated, not so conservative, normal indian family values.
Now comes a issue, my friend don't have child. This is becoming a topic during her sister's alliance families.
2-3 times this has happened. My friend feels hurt and typically feels why people bring me to thier discussion.
Her parents have voiced like 'my elder daughter has her choice' for that an elderly lady commented, citing 'aaj Kal har koi IVF karthehein'

I told my friend better you don't attend any such alliance - bride seeing ceremony. She said being only sister she can't avoid.
I told her just ignore .... But it's easy to say than stand there. How can I help my friend?

In current modern world such people are still existing.... Can't believe.

shravs3 · Oct 25, 2018

If they aren’t planning for kids yet then one need not feel bad about such things.
Each one has their own choice! Your friend can tell them that they haven’t planned for kids yet.

But if they are already planning for kids, it’s obvious that people get hurt on top of the ongoing stress.
I have seen many people asking couples who are already trying for kids and they get easily hurt.

Rihana · Oct 25, 2018

Why can't she avoid the bride seeing ceremony? Is it quite standard for the prettier younger sister or the unmarried elder sister to be absent while the negotiations are not yet finalized. Arranged marriage method comes with some conveniences and some built-in prejudices and hassles.

Questions about siblings and their marriages, jobs, married life do crop up in arranged marriage proceedings. Maybe the boy's side wants to know if no child so far due to choice, even IVF did not work, etc. Sounds heartless and rude, but from their POV, they are exercising due diligence.

The girl's side might have similar questions if the boy's elder brother is married for long but no kids, or elder brother is not employed, or married sister living with parents temporarily. Any thing out of the ordinary can be questioned.

"Elder daughter has her choice" is a very modern statement. Arranged marriage is still a not very modern method. That modern reason will not work.

In "current modern world", young men and women who are use shaadi dot com or bharat matrimony etc and find a match, talk, even meet, and parents get involved at a later stage. That is a good combination of modern world and the old arranged marriage method.

VidhyaVi · Oct 25, 2018

Vedhavalli said: ↑

My friend is very good person, down to earth, educated independent. Married for 5 yrs . She has a younger sister, whom her parents are seeking alliance.
Her family is well educated, not so conservative, normal indian family values.
Now comes a issue, my friend don't have child. This is becoming a topic during her sister's alliance families.
2-3 times this has happened. My friend feels hurt and typically feels why people bring me to thier discussion.
Her parents have voiced like 'my elder daughter has her choice' for that an elderly lady commented, citing 'aaj Kal har koi IVF karthehein'

I told my friend better you don't attend any such alliance - bride seeing ceremony. She said being only sister she can't avoid.
I told her just ignore .... But it's easy to say than stand there. How can I help my friend?

In current modern world such people are still existing.... Can't believe.
Click to expand...

I respect your friend's concern for her sister. Yet, i don't understand why this is a trouble for the people who are seeking alliances for their son.

It's just ridiculous to face such people during such occasions.
But I think the best thing to do is to follow your advice. Either ignore the people who comment like this or avoid the event in which the people seeking alliances come over to their house.

Avoiding the event sounds the best reply in any case.

Anusha2917 · Oct 25, 2018

Okay I can help you in this. There's no one rule which works here. Eg: avoiding altogether or ignoring . I have been married for 6.5 yrs with no kids and with multiple failed treatments. But that doesn't make me feel bad or avoid the situation all together. How I react depends on whom I'm dealing with. Will give you a couple of examples. Probably you can tell your friend.
My sister in law's mother in law has been asking me from the day I got married. She ridicules me all the time, suggests me different treatment options, gives me names of gynec in Chennai and Bangalore,what not. In this situation I have completely decided to avoid her. Whenever I visit Chennai I avoid visiting my SIL. Instead ask her to come to my MIL home so that I can meet her . If I visit her this lady will ridicule me. So AVOID HERE.
next is a colleague who kept asking me why I don't have a kid after 5 years of marriage . He asked me twice and the second time he asked I said we have consciouly taken a decision to not have a kid anytime soon. It's been 1.5 years since this and he never asked me again. In this case I couldn't avoid him as I work with him . So giving back an answer worked out.
Next is not the close relatives who ping me in whatspp and suggest me certain pariharam for having a kid. For them my standard reply is I'm in no hurry for a kid. It will happen when it has to. Still they ridicule me and I IGNORE.
If I were in your friend's position I would simply say I haven't planned for kids yet with a smile on my face. Then next question comes from even more worst people why and all those stuff. Now stop smiling and say its your wish.

sweetsmiley · Oct 31, 2018

Hi Vedhavalli,

I will give straight answer here. they are trying to check any health/genetic related problem running in family, so the bride's elder sister is not having kid..

As Rihana said, Girls side will also enquire everything about Guy's siblings right. I dont find this is uncommon in indian setup, they will ask all type of question, but i feel sorry for ur friend that she need to go through this..
She need to face this till alliance settle, i dont think our uncle aunties sit quiet.

SGBV · Nov 1, 2018

I think being honest with the answer is the best option.
Let others judge based on their own capacity and quality. That should never stop us from being honest and live happily about our fate or decision or whatever.

In your friend's case, if she is consciously postponed kids for a reason, then she should be upfront about it. She is the one who sails through her life, and others' don't really understand her reasoning. She shouldn't have to expect their agreement here. She just have to state the reason from her POV. That's all.

If it is a health issue, and if she is trying by all means with no luck.... its ok. She should be open about that too.
It may be just her own body or her H's body or the combination of the two or some unknown factors. Drs are the best to identify the issue and treat them. These strangers don't know what it is.

There is nothing to feel guilt or sad here.
For those who have babies know nothing about the art of making babies. It is not their intelligence or capacity. It is just how their body naturally worked after IC.
Your friend needs to have self confidence.

Other than that, there is nothing wrong from the groom's side for asking such curious questions. After all, they have chosen this arranged route to sail safe.
So, making sure of everything is utmost important to them.

Samantha111 · Nov 5, 2018

Vedhavalli said: ↑

My friend is very good person, down to earth, educated independent. Married for 5 yrs . She has a younger sister, whom her parents are seeking alliance.
Her family is well educated, not so conservative, normal indian family values.
Now comes a issue, my friend don't have child. This is becoming a topic during her sister's alliance families.
2-3 times this has happened. My friend feels hurt and typically feels why people bring me to thier discussion.
Her parents have voiced like 'my elder daughter has her choice' for that an elderly lady commented, citing 'aaj Kal har koi IVF karthehein'

I told my friend better you don't attend any such alliance - bride seeing ceremony. She said being only sister she can't avoid.
I told her just ignore .... But it's easy to say than stand there. How can I help my friend?

In current modern world such people are still existing.... Can't
Click to expand...

Samantha111 · Nov 5, 2018

People that are going too see your friends sister and are asking her the reason why she doesn't have a kid are too cheap.i feel that your friend should go and meet the alliances and if people 're questioning and making that as an excuse to not enter into an allspice with her sister are not worth it .this shows their mentality and I would suggest that your Fren's sister should take time and get married to the right man with a good family .better late than getting into a troubled marriage and regretting it later.if someone asks your friend why she is not getting pregnant...she can just say that they will plan in some time.