Found out what DH sister really thinks about me

Hi my SIL and I had developed a better relationship over the past few years. She had tried to proved to both my DH and I that she no longer wanted to be lumped in with MIL and FIL and their abuses and behaviour and wanted an independent relationship. We agreed and it has worked out well except for a few hiccups and sometimes her still siding with her parents it has worked well, as daughters are always going to be more loyal to their parents, understood.

A few weeks ago my DH forgot his phone at home and asked me to look up a text message, I did, then while I was giving him the info one popped in from his sister.

It interested me because she was being condescending and criticizing me. I opened it up (I know I never should have, but in all the years I have been married I have never ever touched my DH phone and know I am completely wrong here).

She says mean and judgemental things about me and she had been for months. She asks personal questions about my family that he gives kind of answers to. I look at my DH responses and he does not agree but he also does not defend me either. He also says a lot of nice things about me. And of course they talk about other things to. This is his nature he is not capable of defending anyone. I was first more mad at him that he allowed a platform for me to be discussed. I was stuck cause I can't say anything to either one of them as I should not have read the messages.

I sort of distanced myself from my DH because I was disgusted, but my therapist reminded me he never said anything bad about me, and that he never really agreed with her.

I have distanced myself from my SIL quite a bit as I am really hurt. Of course I know I will always be the bad guy and they IL will never like me, but I genuinely thought she was trying to have a relationship with me and realize now what she really thinks about me. Had this happened before we had cleaned the slate and started fresh I would not think it was a big deal, but because it happened after I am upset.

Ladies, what would you do in my shoes, would you change the nature of your relationship with your SIL? I have already stopped trusting her and and do not check in on her. I am still polite and kind when around her as I read the messages under wrong circumstances????

I am really confused, would you also equally be mad at your DH.

 

Thanks Yellowmango you are one of my favourite Indus Ladies member. Your advice means a lot. My husband is uber strict on privacy and violating other's privacy , he had my kids phone for whole day to get it prepared and he never peeked, and he never is interested in my phone etc. My issue with telling DH is that he is going to turn it on me and he is a very sensitive person, and will feel violated that I looked into his phone. The one message came at same time, but then I read through the history. I can't go down that road I wish I could. If it had been info via a second person I would definitely have said something.

As for the sister, I have emotionally cut her out of my life, I have given her too many chances and she acts one way in front of me and another behind my back. DH was never close to her because of all her tricks but now has gotten quite close to her because I had, my mistake. I am weaning off, and if push comes to shove and he tries to force any type of relationship on me, I will tell him I get the feeling she does not like me.

I can't believe these SIL can't leave us alone. She ignores her IL and never even does anything for them, does not even want them around, but the world is expected of me, what double standards. I am just glad that I saw her true colours once a gain and this time will not let my guard down, and am going to put up walls.

 

Thanks PavitraS your saying made a lot of sense. I was just fuming about it for a few weeks and am over it. You are absolutely correct, she is married and in her own family and we don't have much to do with each other except for special occasions. Moreover I noticed it was mostly me who would text and invite her to do things, or set up dates etc it never really came from her- this should have been my red flag, but I was going in to it with pure heart and did not worry about this. But I am going to throw it over my shoulder and move on, she is not worth my precious time and like you said at least we don't have daily interactions probably more like monthly.