Fought with hubby because of MIL issues

VirtuousVenus · Oct 6, 2011

Hi all,
I am a regular reader of this forum. This is my first post. Badly need your expert advice on an issue.
Like most of the MILs, mine is also very possessive about her son, always talk about her daughter, treats me like an unwanted person blah blah...
My husband was very nice to me. We stay in a different city. The only issue we fight about is about my MIL. I quit my job after marriage bcos it dint workout for me and my husband. I actually took a break. My husband took his parents permission before doing so and MIL was very sweet in the beginning. FIL protested but she said she will manage. After 2 months, she started her game and as she expected i was a victim of her plans and got irritated and joined work though i was not so interested in joining at that time. All my friends were telling me that i should finish my family and then join but i dint listen. But due to health reasons i had to quit after 6 months. I thought joining work would make her stop all the nonsense but she was a kind of a person who finds some or other mistakes in me and hurts me. My FIL doesnt talk to me from my second visit, that is soon after i quit my job. My MIL compares me to her daughter in every thing except job. SIL is not working cos she is not interested it seems. But MIL states that she needs to take care of kids. But they forced me in everyway to join work.
MIL was always furious, tensed and always in an irritating mood when i am around. She had even scolded me/insulted me for no reasons. She is very cunning and is a dominator and even FIL doesnt have any voice there. My husband is 100% moma's boy and he worships MIL. My FIL was irresponsible and because of him, they have suffered a lot it seems. My MIL was the one who took the whole responsibility and so my husband respects her a lot. Since my MIL is not close to FIL, she is very close to my husband. My husband says no mother can love her son as she does. my hubby doesnt talk to his father as like others. Rarely he speaks. But FIL does everything for him when we go there but they dont talk to each other. So when my FIl was not talking to me, i dint give it much thought. But one day when my SIl's husband was there, my FIL spoke to him(Formalities like when he came etc...) So is it not necessary to invite a DIL when she comes home?
My inlaws doesnt like it when me and my husband go to outstaions fro holidays. My MIL even scolded me for that. Says i should have stopped my husband but i am also accompanying him. They say that its not safe blah blah.. But the real reason is my MIL was jealous. She dint get this opportunity and her Son-in-law is not taking daughter for outings. Whenever we say about any trip, we will get a negative response. My hubby asked me to ignore it but it really irritates me. If he alone is going, their reactions are better.
My MIL worries about her daughter(who is much more happier than i am) all the time and whenever my hubby calls her, she tells those stories and they both discuss on what to do. I even told my husband that he cannot act like a father to his sister because now he has a family for which he dint bother to reply.
Recently my husband and i started fighting often and even my MIL's games are going greater. Now on alternate days they are talking for 1 hour a day. I was diagonised with an ENT problem two weeks back. A little serious one but curable. I was not feeling well for past 8 month cos of this and couldnt diagonise all these days. My MIL wanted us to go for a generel checkup since i am not able to conceive. That too she dint tell me, she told my husband and had mentioned to him that she cannot talk to me about this. Here i have to mention that my MIL and hubby talks about everything, infact MIL was telling hubby about SIL's delivery. I even asked him why they are discussing all nonsense, he said they are like friends. But she was too shy to tell me about the checkup. Anyways i thought its good for us and went and my doctor asked me to check with an ENT for my otehr health issue and we finally found whats causing teh problem. When hubby told her about this, she just ignored saying taht everybody gets headache, dizziness, even her daughter gets it seems, so i should go ahead with general checkup. I was really hurt at this remark and was completely shattered. I know that she is too bad when it comes to me and now i found that she is heartless if its me.
Me and my husband had a huge fight in the coming days about all these things. MIl was asking what he had for dinner, lunch, breakfast, the previous days weeks, etc.. and two days later he was complaing that he was not eating nutritious food. I got angry and asked if it was his mother conclusion. He got irritated and we staretd arguing and finally he said (as always) that his mom is his first priority and asked me to leave. I told him that i dont have issues with him, so i will stay there but wont talk to otehrs in his family. He was not agreeing. His mom will be hurt it seems. So said he is not interested to live with me. HE said even if we seperate, i should not tell others about his mom, should say that we were not able to adjust and lead a life and so we seperated. He talked so much, but what makes me feel bad is, i was always a third person there. For him Family means, Himself, His mother and Me. Will it work ladies? Any decisions about anything in our life, he runs to his mom. He is very conscious not to hurt her in any way. I feel that my MIL uses him for her sake. Since she is not close to FIL, she is holding him. Atleast my hubby should know where to draw the line but though he knows he wont cos it would hurt his mom.
Now i couldnt stand this any more, i came to my parents house. We r not talking to each other for past 3 days. My husband has changed a lot. If my MIL cause half the problems, he is responsible for the remaining half. He is the one who encourages her. He thinks she has suffered a lot and he should be there for her whatever happens. Tell me ladies what to do. My parents are asking me to adjust but i cant adjust any more. Its already along story and i dont want to quote each and every incident when she hurt me. I have never repied to whatever she says till date. I have a strong hatred for her and others in their family and dont want to see them or talk to them. I was even into depression because of my MIL and only now i am feeling better. I dont think my hubby would come for a compromise. It should be from my side. But i dont want to talk to them. What shall i do. Please help.

blessed · Oct 7, 2011

I don't what to say here, any ways lets wait for the other ladies opinions,,,

I understand that you and your in laws stay in different cities when you don't stay under one roof, then according to me you should not be having problems at all.

I quit my job after marriage bcos it dint workout for me and my husband. I actually took a break. My husband took his parents permission before doing so and MIL was very sweet in the beginning. FIL protested but she said she will manage.
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Please... it is for you and your DH to decide whether to have to continue or quit job or take up a new one, his parents or your parents have nothing to do with it. You can tell them directly to keep out of this. It is completely for you to decide regarding starting your family or joining work... they have no rights to interfere..

My MIL worries about her daughter(who is much more happier than i am) all the time and whenever my hubby calls her, she tells those stories and they both discuss on what to do. I even told my husband that he cannot act like a father to his sister because now he has a family for which he dint bother to reply.
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That was very rude of you to talk to him like that, just because he is married to you doesn't mean he should forget his sister and not act like a father to her. You should be proud to have such a DH, this shows he will be great father to his own children.

He got irritated and we staretd arguing and finally he said (as always) that his mom is his first priority and asked me to leave. I told him that i dont have issues with him, so i will stay there but wont talk to otehrs in his family. He was not agreeing. His mom will be hurt it seems. So said he is not interested to live with me.
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This is what happen's if you keep arguing and nagging him, if only you are a little relaxed and calm probably your situation would be more better than what it is now, the more he is close to his family the more tensed you get, little love, affection and bigheartedness from your side will be of great help.

ProudIndian · Oct 7, 2011

I totally agree with above reply. Please please donot fight with your husband because of inlaws or any other third person. you are not living with them then donot involve his parents or your parents in any fights. If your dh is nice and understanding be nice to him and try to develope good understanding between both of you. IGNORE comments/taunts from in laws. Develop mentality like men Out of sight, out of mind. Focus on good things like your career, your home, saving money. Have positive thoughts always.

We have to understand after marriage dh is not going to give equal importance to dw immidietely. we have to work on our marriage and create our space in his heart with our hard work. If you constantly fight or nag whats going to happen? He will think you are bad not his mother. calm down and think over your own behavious first. I am telling you from my own experiences. Good luck.

maya69 · Oct 7, 2011

OP,

I am not sure what you expect your DH to do? Cut off all ties to his mom and family. All of sudden distance himself from his mom? No son will ever say that he chooses his wife over his mom especially in the middle of a heated argument! And Certainly not one who is a momma’s boy at that. The more you show your distaste to his mom and family the more defensive he will get and more fights you will have. You are reading into each and everything that goes on between your DH and his family. Why? Do you not have anything else to do? Let him talk to his sister, his mom, his father. How does that change how he is to you? He tells you to ignore, he takes you out for holidays. Your work on improving your health and mind.

I suggest you establish a good relationship with your DH irrespective of his relationship to his family. If I were you, I would sit down with DH and talk it through. Tell him that you understand that his mom his very important to him as she was the one who brought him up through hard times and that you won’t break that ever. But that you want to work on this marriage if he wants to do the same. This does not mean that his mom is going to be all of a sudden be sweet and nice to you. She might never be good to you and you might just have to keep the relationship at a distance but without showing distaste. You must have put full faith in your DH and then how much time your DH spends with his mom should not put any fear in you. It takes years to establish a bond with your spouse and even then there will be ups and downs.

And in the same line you continue a good relationship with your parents and family irrespective of whether your dh talks to them or not.

Hope you can sort it all out.

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Fought with hubby because of MIL issues

VirtuousVenus New IL'ite

Fought with hubby because of MIL issues

You fought but nobody saw the sword

Back to WEEKDAY Home! Stood up...fought back...AND LEFT!!!

blessed Platinum IL'ite

ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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