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Forgive And Forget

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by lalithasharma9, Mar 14, 2019.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Agree with @yellowmango ..
    The more you try to bend backwards to please people the more you'll suffer...
    No you and your parents don't deserve this..
    Luckily she doesn't live with you..
    There is no need to make extra efforts to forgive and forget, some people won't change..
    You should stop taking permission for visiting your parents and stop getting her approval and also not unnecessarily apologise ...
     
  2. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Silver IL'ite

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    At your MIL? you lost your cool; but, did this escalate the situation? Your MIL must be a one mean person.
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Wise words
     
  4. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Silver IL'ite

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    Bending backwards does not go with "i wont dance to any one tunes" or "very strict with her/screaming" to stop MIL from ruling. Sorry for looking at this from another perspective. There is always two sides to every story.
     
    lalithasharma9 likes this.
  5. lalithasharma9

    lalithasharma9 Senior IL'ite

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    You are correct Topaz, there are 2 sides to every story

    I wont dance to her tunes - what i meant is, she tries to judge you right from the time you wakeup to sleep. She tries to interfere in every single thing, what to cook, how to eat, what to eat? What to dress? How to dress? Which color of bindi to put? How many bagles to wear list goes on..... her thoughts ideas changes very frequently.

    I am saying i cant listen to her minutr to minute.


    Regarding permissions “screamed st her” means not with high voice. I told her we cant take permissions every time I visit, l told with confidence not with arrogance

    I have confidence not arrogance, her rules will be very stupid

    She says women should earn to support husband and husband should be king shouldnt work in household at all.

    She says outside door works should be done by boys and inside door works by girls then i told how am i eligible to work outside door?

    She says never cross a river during periods , we should not go even on a bridge, it is a big sin

    Then i have asked how do i go to work? I have to cross bridge daily and no other way.

    She says you are earning in dollars nothing a sin now

    What a sick idea? Rules changes with money.

    Her illogical and insensitive words, i will question with firm voice.

    As i have said i am confident not arrogant.

    But she feels i am arrogant

    I got fedup with gender inequality in every thing, i cant agree that women is fit for nothing other than being slave to inlaws and husband

    Even if i become MIL in future, i may nit be best MIL but i try to see my DIL as human being first, then every thing else falls in place

    I feel sad every time the way women are treated in inlaws house.

    If i am arrogant or headstrong we wouldnt have agreed to the mistake my dad did

    I woukd never have touched feet for a small mistake.

    I stood by my inlaws, i kept my mouth shut when they are making very insensitive comments


    Hope i am clear with my behaviour.
     
  6. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for your response. There are people like your MIL. There are 2 choices - to cutoff from her OR to find a way to establish a healthy relationship.

    I am puzzled as to "judge you right from the time you wakeup to sleep" as they don't live with you. Between the DH, children, chores at home and work, where do you get time to talk to her?

    You don't need to tell her about your visit to your parents place. There is a girl that I know who works; but, when she is free, she will spend all her time with her family from morning till late night. Her MIL doesn't feel very good as she doesn't care to spend time with her own husband.

    First of all knowing her behavior, it would be best that your parents interact as little as possible with them (even at your place - perhaps, visit you in their absence). It doesn't help for them to come to your rescue nor you to theirs. This would simply increase her insecurity and escalate the situation as it already happened.

    If MIL is educated and worked, how did she handle and how did her in-laws treat her? Exploring this would lead you to understand her better.

    It is best never to discuss topics that you don't agree with her because you won't be able to change her. You are not going to achieve anything by - questioning her with firm voice on her illogical and insensitive words. What's the point?

    "i cant agree that women is fit for nothing other than being slave to inlaws and husband". Many times you do things because you care or love, not because you are a slave.

    "What a sick idea? Rules changes with money." You can only change what you can control; that is yourself.

    If you have children - you know children learn more from observing than what you tell them. Therefore, it is very important to have minimal conflicts and also for your own peace.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2019 at 6:02 AM
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  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @lalitha Your MIL is greedy - She herself being a woman, still want to treat DIL as a machine, just earning money. making babies and full time maid no time to rest or take care of her health. And DIL is not even allowed to visit her parents as per her wishes or eat food as per her wishes. I can understand that at some point u lost patience and ended up speaking loudly-it's ok you have not done such a big crime.

     
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  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Silver IL'ite

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    MIL's opinions doesn't dictate action. Not sure how this is even possible when they don't live together; especially, when both work and have kids. When you work and have children, where is the time? working means you are out of the house most of the day.
     
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  9. lalithasharma9

    lalithasharma9 Senior IL'ite

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    We dont live together but we visit India every now and then and they visit USA for six months , so actually i spent quite a lot of time with them and there is a daily call of 1 hr by my husband. So i feel like living in joint family though we are in US



     
  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Silver IL'ite

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    You write, "
    “my relations are strong …I grewup with a cousin whom i got superclose” and you also write, "I dont believe in breaking a relation"
    As you have your strong relation and if you truly believe in not breaking the relation, your husband talking over the phone is a non-issue. He has the freedom and right to talk and you should refrain from talking to them or saying hello to them.
    Thinking all the time about your MIL's insecurities you are making your life miserable. You will feel free only when there is no relationship left.
     

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