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Forgive And Forget

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by lalithasharma9, Mar 14, 2019.

  1. lalithasharma9

    lalithasharma9 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    I need your advice as i am struck in a typical situation.
    I am married for 6 yrs , well settled abroad with a toddler and both of us are working.

    My MIL is a very typical woman, she is very orthodox and controlling. she tries to rule our life, if I am very strict with her, then only i can do something of my choice. Else it is her choice in every thing, ofcourse we dont stay in joint so it is not a day to day problem.

    MIL controls every thing right from the food we eat to never ending, including our maternal home visit timings. She always finds reasons for my husband visiting my home, she is super scared that he will become attached to my parents. She is very possessive.

    We are vexed with her behavior, my parents too frustated, my dad was depressed for a minute with her behaviour and said a word to her which is not very offensive, he meant that she is controlling me, she got furious and spoke very abusive language to my parents.

    I have agreed my parents mistake and apologized them by touching their feets and my parents came and apologized her personally. But her anger was so much , she used very abusive language including the destructions of my parents life.

    My dad did a mistake in spur of moment becoz our bad time, inspite of touching their feets and apologizing by me and my parents, i couldnt bear the abusive language she used on them.

    Esp i coukdnt hear my own parents destruction.

    She did many mistakes in past too , i have forgiven her and moved on, do my parents deserve such a big punishment for a 1 min sentence.

    We have not argued that we r right, we agreed our mistake, inspite of doing that she wishes their bad and used very unforgiving language and filthy.

    We all are highly educated professionals and even my inlaws too were working, but for them women is nothing.

    Do we deserve this? Esp my parents?
     
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  2. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Your parents and ILs live abroad in the same city? They all live in their own houses; how far apart their and your house?
     
  3. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Whats your husband's take on this?
    What is his feeling - does he think his is mom right in holding the anger or he thinks his mom is unreasonable.

    In this situation its better to let time heal everything. Your parents apologized and you apologized. You dont have to bend over backwards to please an unreasonable, vicious lady. Some MIL think they are God and the wife's family is dirt. You are an educated earning woman and deserve to be treated better.

    Make sure your husband is onboard and supports you.
     
  4. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear .. you are not struck between anything.. and don’t feel like either.. your this feeling giving her more power to show .just don’t please mil on anything. Your dad did nothing as such for which you will apologized many time by touching feet. She was doing a thing and he mentioned that.. that’s it. No one will tolerate this for their loved one.more you will please her more she will do tantrums. Next time she uses filthy language don’t talk to her and give her a straight face for couple of days .. keep your interaction minimal.. stop cooperating in anything . slowly she will understand.Just remember one thing if you will bend your head only then she will be able to climb it. In laws are like that .. they show power and authority with all the tactics.. some due to ego, others due to their own bad experience in marriage and family. If this is because of the second reason then just be sympathize with her but that does not mean she has the power to repeate the same with you. Most important thing is you have a job.. you are not dependent on anyone financially..
    For any issue don’t go through your husband or anyone else... this represents you as a weak person. I remember when ever I went through my husband in the the starting of my marriage my in laws never took me seriously and repeated their behavior again and again. After some time even husband stopped being fair and support me. So I had to come in the front and deal with them and trust me this time she took me seriously because through this she got a massage that I am not afraid of her . Of course she is still doing all the crap between me and dh and spread things about me in relatives.. discriminate between me and co sis.. that will never end. But she don’t dare to ask or say anything at my place. Rest you know about her well.. her weaknesses and strengths. Give your parents some confidence about you and make them understand that they don’t need to feel inferior just because they are parents of a daughter.
     
    GlobetrotterG and lalithasharma9 like this.
  5. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Whatever happened is past. Don’t regret for falling on her feet though you haven’t done anything wrong. Forget the past. Give positive energy to your parents as well. Don’t fall for your MILs demand further. Raise your voice and tell her your parents didn’t do any mistake. Be strong else she will sit on your head. No need to apologize or regret further. Be strong. Be happy. Show that you can be happy without interacting with her. Limit interacting with her. Ask your parents to limit interacting with her.
     
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  6. lalithasharma9

    lalithasharma9 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks friends for your suggestions, i have apologized them because, I dont want her to abuse my parents , with this apology i thought she would stop. Any child cant bear if some one scolds their parents infront of their eyes.

    Yes i am financially very independent and my career is strong, so she thinks i am very agressive due to that which is wrong. I am little confident, i wont dance to any one tunes, i will think and if i feel it is wrong i wont do it.

    For her it is becoz i am earning i am doing it, which is wrong.

    My parents/I dont have conflicts with any one other than my inlaws, we have a big extended family and friends, my inlaws are otherwise, from what i see their own siblings avoid them.

    So, since my relations are strong and her relations are weak, she totally feels insecure that i am close to every on earth except her.

    If she treate me as a daughter atleast as a human being i can be close with her

    If she discusses saris/movies/politics i am ready, all the time she speaks is ordering to do that this, else me and my parents are fit for nothing.

    She is feeling very insecured with her old age is what i feel. She might think( I dont know i am guessing, i might give priority to my parents in their old age as they have no sons)

    We are abroad and I have some planning in my mind what to di when they are sick/ill/unable to takecare of themself, which I need not share to her

    Her insecurities are making my life miserable

    I dont believe in breaking a relation to make another relation strong.

    I have never objected my husband spending more timr with them during vacations, thats what we came for, i dont object if he spend more time on calls with her, why insecurity?

    She keeps filling his ears all the timr when they are alone, but still i bear because mother is mother. I feel it is a sin to seperate mother and son or husband and wife, thats the values i have brought up with.

    I grewup with a cousin whom i got superclose till date after his marriage, now our Sil joined the group, why will wife seperate? We have accepted her and she treats us as best friend. I became much more close to my brother after his marriage only.

    No one understand this fact, they exprct girl to leave parents and just treat them as guests which i will never do
     
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  7. lalithasharma9

    lalithasharma9 Senior IL'ite

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    Initially my husband was upset with my parents and we all admitted the mistake and apologized and what we got in return is not fair.

    Some of the comments she made are very insensitive to which my husband objected her and told not to make such comments

    If we hear their words, we dont feel they are educated

    I screamed yes my dad said a word by mistake and my parents agreed too it happened in a weak moment and it is a 1 min conversation, how much one can abuse in the phone for a min? Return gift i got is 8 hrs of flithy language abusive words and destruction of my parents life. Is that fair?

    We all admitted our mistake, still can I listen my own parents destruction( which is a very big thing)







    QUOTE="senorita2019, post: 4126463, member: 482917"]Whats your husband's take on this?
    What is his feeling - does he think his is mom right in holding the anger or he thinks his mom is unreasonable.

    In this situation its better to let time heal everything. Your parents apologized and you apologized. You dont have to bend over backwards to please an unreasonable, vicious lady. Some MIL think they are God and the wife's family is dirt. You are an educated earning woman and deserve to be treated better.

    Make sure your husband is onboard and supports you.[/QUOTE]
     
  8. Gallant

    Gallant Silver IL'ite

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    Like you and your parents apologized, your husband and MIL also, should apologize, in order to keep your married life balanced in equilibrium.
    You take care of your parents and your husband, his parents. Neither of you interfere in in-laws matters and vice-versa. You both should stay away from inlaws. Hi-bye is more than enough.
    That you have fallen on your MIL's feet was too much.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2019
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  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    In future, if you have problem with MIL control,you yourself speak up - parents involving makes everything ugly and big. I think nothing more left to do just wait for time to heal things- you have already apologized a lot. I'm sure your MIL too would have been provoked if your dad tried to control your DH visits to MIL. Regarding cursing destruction of parents, it's superstition and someone's bad wishes cannot cause any harm if the person is good. Pray to God for your parents' well-being and everything will be fine.
    Don't let MIL try to control your visits to parents' house It's insecurity-Some people mistakenly think if a woman wants to take care of her parents means she will neglect her inlaws! Afterall you and DH have to do everything together, and together you both will take care of both set of parents.It is your right to take care of parents and if someone tries to interfere in that, it's just selfishness-don't get intimidated.

     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2019
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    When you bend over backwards unnecessarily to please unreasonable people ,you make them more powerful.

    What is the need for touching feet and apologizing?
    Isn't a normal apology enough ?
    What is the need for this drama ?
    Are you some kind of bonded slave ?

    When you don't respect yourself...she will also not do it.

    Why did you let your parents apologize to them when they did not do any wrong ?

    Did they lie when they said she was controlling?

    You should not have let your parents apologize.

    When you won't care about your parents respect ,why do you expect that unreasonable woman to respect them?

    What is the reaction to her saying abnoxious things about your parents?
    How did you react?
    Did you continue your normal behavior or did you let her know you you will not take such nonsense?
    The least you should have done is cut her out of your life till she learnt some manners.

    As for taking care of your parents. It is your and your sisters responsibility to do so .
     

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