For Ladies - Do You Think It's Ok To Have Intimacy Without Marriage

Hi,
Sorry..I differ from your point

studying or earning more than men doesn't need women to be intimate before marriage.There are plenty of men who earn more still don't even think of touching another women outside marriage.So let's not put women much lower than men.I really didn't understand your interpretation of 'women are self sufficient'.

Yes it is our responsibility to raise up sons with thoughts of humanity,as a person who can value women's emotions and make them understand that woman are no way lower than a man.All this should start from our home ,kids learn from elders. We need to be more cautious in all our acts and constantly remind us that kid's are watching us and learning from us.

 

Most desi folks i know who are married to their boyfriends did it before marriage because these days even women don't want to marry a man who isn't able to perform well in bed or has other issues such as ED etc...

in our culture, lot of women after marriage discover that their man isn't able to perform in bed or is impotent or has a small ****.....n then they have to initiate divorce.....these things r not written on a man's face n neither dependent on his physique solely...some men might look fine but might not be able to perform in bed...

.example, one of my friend( indian origin) had a boyfriend who proposed marriage..he looked good on paper n one day she decided to go ahead with the deed after engagement n he wasn't able to perform....thsi happened 2 consecutive times n she opted out of that relationship, she just dumped him/didn't care about the money spent on engagement, just dumped him......

then her 2nd boyfriend had everything going n when she thought he was a good marriage material, she went for the deed... n he was good in bed as well....he is now her husband ..they r very happily married.....she still says she is so lucky that she didn't get married to her first bf who had performance issues...she says if she wouldn't have gone ahead n done the deed, she would not have discovered her first bf's performance issues...

She earns six figures, has a very successful career..she was marrying for love n not other factors so if one wants marriage for love then one can go for the test ride----its like when u buy a car, don't u wanna do a test drive....what if u marry, n then u realize ur hubby is pathetic in bed, imagine the trauma of initiating divorce !

But at the same time, don't do the deed with a loser or a flirt or someone who is a cheater but someone who is genuine, honest, dependable, someone with whom things r moving in the right direction...

there r some loser kind of desi men who just want to have casual fun---anyhow u can figure out these loser desi men.....most of these kinds earn low but want to lure beautiful wealthy females by trying to pretend what they r not, have highly conservative views/ double standards, have poor social standing/background/come from not so good background/ poor social background/ not been to nice schools, have poor vocab......basically its easy to figure out these cheapsters as long as u don't get emotional.......one shud try to avoid these cheapsters......basically mingle in ur social strata only BECOZ real successful men want to marry succeesful strong women n not some doormat kind of woman !!

 

Premarital sex has 2 different shades. One is casual sex or sex with uncommitted partners. The other is sex between committed partners.
The latter happens when you actually marry someone in your heart due to the love, trust and affection. It is almost a marriage except its legal and religious formalities.
I do not think this is wrong. In fact, it happens between committed partners as they progress in their love relationship after a certain point of time. Unless both are strictly tied with certain beliefs or tradition which speaks against premarital sex, I do not think any couple in a long term committed love relationship could refrain from this.

On the other hand, marriage is a committed long term relationship which has legal and religious recognition. However, many marriages happen only as a legal and religious affair, where love, trust and commitment may lack.
Particularly in arranged marriages, where a stranger bride and groom enters the wedlock; hence the sex life, I doubt the level of love, trust and commitment between them.

Besides, this legal and religious/social union has its own way to break this sacrament. You can walk out, divorce, throw away your mangalsutra and disown your partner at any point if necessary. So, it doesn't guarantee any kind of stable, rather permanent sex unity.

Unless and until there is serious commitment, intimacy has no value other than its own sexual pleasure.

I personally value the commitment level between the partners than their marriage certificate or mangalsutra.

Earlier premarital sex was a huge taboo because of the fact that it might bring unwanted kids to the world. Protected sex, or morning after pills were not in question those days. A family's pride was believe to have kept inside their women's vagina. That's why it was a strict NO. However, a yellow thread or a simple certificate from a religious leader was more than enough for these women to have sex with almost strangers.
That was a long lost tradition. It has its own meaning and reasons.
But in today's world, it is not applicable.

 

You can have sex without marriage. Only problem is, let's say you really like the other person - he goes on to be far better than what you expected, looks-wise, financially and let's say he even cares for you - which imho will change with time, he may or may not want commitment. You on the other hand might feel insecure, may try to forcefully commit, because of that it will go south anyway. But otherwise, you would have to compromise somewhere. If not, you will have to go to other relationships. Whatever it may be, it will be a huge gamble. You can try to know a man before marriage but getting into a physical relationship is not good idea. Even getting into a platonic relationship and building affection is draining if it does not end in marriage. It requires a lot of mental and physical strength to carry it once it gets to that stage, that too without marriage. The idea behind marriage is to stay put even if you think you got an unfair deal, for the sake of propriety, sanity and stability. The concept of divorce/separation/live-in defeats the whole purpose. It is very natural that over time people start feeling inadequate because they start getting used to each other, take each other for granted and also know each others' weaknesses, that should not make them want to leave, it becomes very painful dealing with the separation because one cannot shed the memories and move on that easily. So the concept of marriage - to keep oneself sane and functioning. The process of marriage was different in the olden days, people used to thoroughly check each others' backgrounds, it was a collective decision rather than individual. The couple most likely were in related families where the couples' parents were familiar with each other or had similarities to a good extent. Caste was a big factor back then. It was a strong unifying factor. Problem is, caste no longer seems to be a strong factor anymore. Rather I would put it as, caste does not determine compatibility anymore. Ironically, relationships are still based on professional compatibility. Caste is losing a name, definition. After caste, came the horoscope which determined compatibility to a good extent, that is also being sidelined nowadays. Finally, elders' views are not taken into account. They themselves have no idea in half the cases. Character is not the basis of a relationship anymore. What is a good character? We don't know. The basic principles of marriage have become weak and that's why marriages are failing. Marriage in itself is not a bad thing. You can certainly try if you want to, but everything has a risk.

 

No man or woman is forthcoming about their deficiencies in arranged marriage set up....i have seen only 1% hide things in a love match...may be they r too vile to hide things in a love match.

there are men who got cheated into arranged marriage because the woman & her family hid teh fact that she had some problem such as one of her tubes was removed..this came to light during some medical emergency she had after 1 yr into marriage because u can't hide anything from doctors....some women hid PCOS which they knew they had before marriage...

then do u think any man would admit in any arranged marriage that they have ED or small d*** or are unable to last long, 1% men hide that in love match... most men if they have some issues tell it eventually in a love match n same with women...

but i n my friends don't have any respect for desi men n women doing it casually...like here on this site, we read stories that a woman in india is saying her ex bf is troubling her because they were intimate, had done the deed for a while n she had an arranged marriage with a diff man...the fact that she is hiding her past means she was into it for casual fun otherwise if someone was in serious relationship, they have no problem admitting to thier better half that they intended to marry the other person so were intimate but some major issue cropped up n they couldn't marry...

there are desi men here in western countries who indulge in casual fun n then go to india for an arranged marriage.. i pity their wives.....my cousins back in india reject proposals of desi NRI men who r looking for wives back in india because most of these men have engaged in casual fun otherwise there are tonnes of h1, f1 and women born n raised here...now the only thing is its quite difficult to fool a woman based here than trying to fool someone back in india...

so there r all sort of men n women..its best to meet several times n judge if u like that person, if u have matching vision for future, about lifestyles, n when u fall in love, its best to figure out if ur man is able to keep it up in the bedroom n then marry rather than repent after marriage when all of a sudden u realize ur hubby has a small d***, low drive, doesn't satisfy u or has ED or has to take viagra or even has weird fetishes n then apply for divorce with all emotional trauma !!

 

no it's not wrong if the guy and girl genuinely like/love each other and are looking to share their future together . If it's a new relationship or casual fling I would advise a woman against it , not for any moral reason but to ensure that they don't end up getting emotionally hurt. I have completely lost faith in arranged marriage system because it's like a game of dice , you can get a 6 but you can also get a one.. if I had to relive my life again I would rather stay single and marry a person only after spending enough time and know there was genuine love and good physical compatibility . When we don't buy even a simple dress without a trial it's actually absurd we make such a huge commitment with a stranger without any prior dating or such

 

Before I got married, my dream was to find someone I was super compatible with and enjoyed spending time with, but not getting married. We would be living "in sin", but very committed to each other. This might seem like a weird dream, but I wasn't convinced in the institution of marriage, despite eventually agreeing for an arranged marriage. My dream is still the same, because compatibility now means more to me than a piece of paper and my entire family's approval (I'm still married and plan to be). So considering my line of thought, pre-marital sex is completely acceptable to me.

Now, pre-marital sex can happen in a casual or in a committed relationship. I feel like casual sex isn't wrong, but I don't think there is much benefit to women (unless she is really NOT interested in a relationship and just needs to fulfill the physical need). When the heart gets involved, casual sex becomes extremely damaging emotionally. I'm not bothered by what other people are doing in (and out) of their bedrooms, but I think the healthiest sex is from committed (though, not necessarily) relationships. I believe that trust is the foundation of sex, and just because you are married, you are not guaranteed trust.