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Financially Screwed....i Am Sure.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by WannabValerie, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    This makes up for other things.
    Have you told him? I haven’t told mine you were mostly right about those few things you told me.

    True. @WannabValerie - I hope in time you are able to get back to where you were in your relationship. Letting go is hard but hopefully you will get there.
     
  2. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    Oh Ladies, wonderful posts.. nice ones ...
    My H wont come to classes as he know now he will be bashed professioanlly.

    Now that somebody got me started on Philosophy.. I love it!.

    2 years ago I had a longer trip to India than usual, 6 weeks. My mind was having a ball rinsing and repeating the worse odds since last 3 years... more insecurity more fear more anger. I suffocated yet I stayed in the same spot. Didn't even realise it!. Same time my sensitive cousin joined a job in Oncology ( yup! You guessed it)... 6 months into his job, he could not go on anymore. The kids he saw 6 months ago wern't there anymore... many people just did not woke up suddenly in his hospital, he was desperate why its all like this and what they did to deserve it.

    My sister also came to india to see me and time with me... so we 2 weeks off and did some travel and 'soul searching'. All we relied on was the beautiful mum nature ( not people)... however we ended up with 2 books by people ... People were Ramana Maharshi and Ekhart Tolle. I am not saying we ended up at the right place, only saying we ended up here. Also incidentally my dad had these books but after him they were buried somewhere between all the physics/ chemistry books. So we got intrigued and started into the journey...went a week to Srilanka to learn what exactly was this meditation thing is...

    Spirituality is a way of life, which could do better to us leading to a better world. However we have managed to come so far from it that we lost the trace I think.

    I am not even close to any awareness ... I am still a part of 'practical world' where money ( a tool which can help transform the world to good for good, I have immense respect for it) is being the ONLY tool. I am
    still naive. But these books and the spiritual introduction got me a lead to the reality. However far I go, how ever unconcious I become, I have a hope that I might find a way!. Before that I did not even know I was away from the truth! leave alone a lead to it. I cant do 15 min meditation straight but I feel ok when I do it. Spirituality gave me a bit of control over myself.

    My sister just joined us for fun but she said it was uncanny and yet simple. My cousin, he is still in the same job but with acceptance and a smile on his face ( sometimes he still goes back but he isnt that bad anymore). We went from F grades to a D... not bad hey!

    Its proven that our minds react immensely and positively with spiritual thoughts. I am the living example how just thinking spiritual and realising that you are different to your mind can save you from the spiral negitive thoughts which can eat up your existance!

    Still after this I have these episodes of fear but they are just episodes thankfully. Else I would have lost it ... God these playbacks!:BangHead:

    I am not endorsing anything I am whom am I to endorse a truth anyway.
    Was it boring.:thinking:.. I am sure it was... its that trait of good things isnt it :facepalm:
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2019
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  3. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    and nemisis... nemisis is a guy... nemisis is a man.... nemisis is a bloke...

    nemisis is brilliant!
     
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  4. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Valerie!

    Wow... I did the same journey few years ago too!!... with my cousins too!!... to Srilanka too!!!... 5 yrs ago...but we wernt looking for any solace.. just, you know... random browse... but boy it was beautiful!...we all had different beliefs but it did not make any difference.

    who am I ... Ramana Maharshi I love that book. Ekhart is follower of Maharshi Ramana they are so cool. Its more about yourself than the guru anyway... most of the real gurus dont endorse themselves hehe... 'Dont follow me... because I am lost too' Jiddu Krishnamurthy...

    On a lighter take.. because you are telugu, watch Evade Subramanyam ..
    How cool is your thread!
     
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  5. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    Is it Roar!!.. hehe.. confused minds think alike...

    On the beliefs, I am not a religious woman but I believe in God .. my cousin and sister are atheists..I dreaded their logical asks but thru out our western ghats and Srilankan journey they were like 4 yr olds listening to Chandamama story... tamed!...

    We are not guru searches anyway yet Ramana Maharshi intrigues me becuase the guy looked like he could not care less about how big of a guru he could be or how many are actually following... He never cared a damn!... He seems to be closer I thought...

    I watched that movie... faith on tollywood was restored:worship2:
     
  6. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    I think this thread has been wonderful to me.. Thanks all once again.

    Is there a forum head who can close it as I seem to wander off given chances.. hehe.
    Please close this thread forum moderators.

    Ladies, will keep bumping into you elsewhere in the forum...
     
  7. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Just an update. I am starting a new job in Jan 2020... after searching for 4 months. Its the same role but I used to work from home remotely for a developing country company. The salary converted to UK currency was just around minimum wage but I was happy I could be there around my kids at their disposal...
    However, it will be different from Jan, I am coming to terms with it.

    My husband has been living at his whim because I used to take care of everything around the house and kids and now he is advising me to 'think' before I become busy ( I think he is afraid that he will have to pitch in soon in running the misc things around the house)..

    I am great ful to God for the opurtunity yet a bit down that I am forced to take time away from the kids and they have to pay for the muck my husband put forth. I am still in a state of not forgiving him. Any how here goes how it went when I accepted the offer:

    H: You didn't had to take it, it was fine, you were being paranoid.
    Me: Did you give a choice to me?
    H: They are secure
    Me: Their security should not depend on the mood of other people
    H: Its my parents
    Me: So I write away your and my money to my mum and feel safe... that should be fine
    H: Don't change topic
    Me: ok, if you say so
    H: I am just saying they are OK
    Me: prove it

    He just gives me the touche look and sighs.

    I still dont know if to trust him but I am scared to... I can not fail my kids, as a mum. If I am a paranoid fool, so be it. I will earn almost 3 times to previous pay as the currency works out.

    I know many people work for the love of the work, but I think there are also people like me who are career lite. If there are men around here, don't do this to your wife, give her some frigging choice.
    But like I said I am greatful, at least God showed me a door.

    A big thanks to all of you again:). Cheers :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2019 at 6:55 PM
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Congratulations!! This is a new phase in life, embrace it and enjoy it! Not everyone gets the right break at the right time. It's a huge positive that you got this when you wanted it the most. Many congratulations again. Absolutely fantastic news.

    Could be, it's an adjustment for everyone when a stay at home parent gets started on work. I'm sure things will fall into place at their own pace.

    Mothers are known to suffer from Mom guilt. Is it their need at 13/7 years for you to be around full time or is it yours? What exactly is the price they are paying? Going to after school for a few hrs before heading home? They have two loving parents who will work around their schedules to provide. You are not disowning your kids, you are just going to office from 9-5. They have another parent who should pitch in now that you are out of the house. I don't think it's doing you any good by calling this a sacrifice from your kids perspective. I think this will be a learning and enriching experience for the kids. Mothers working outside the house have a positive impact on kids of either gender too. I think kids will adjust sooner than you think and in a year's time you will wonder why you worried so much.

    This is ok and it will take time to process but like I said before past is past. Granted, he has different financial priorities and doesn't see any harm in his money management but you have made a lot of progress in fixing things as you see fit. You've taken solid steps.

    I think you are overdoing this. You've made it ample clear that the steps you have taken is for some financial security. Why go over this again and again?

    I would say, in your mind, make this about your need. I wouldn't keep bringing the kids up and their future and how difficult it is for them to lose out on properties in India. You've just landed a job that pays you THRICE the salary and your oldest kid is 13. You have many years to go before you will actually need a huge sum of money for the 13 yrs old. Make this about your need to step out and gain some worldly wise, financial control and do something other than being a mom. We all need it, working or not.


    Boss, you have a choice and you made your pick. Not everyone gets everything right? Isn't that what adult-ing is all about? Don't go down the dreary road of I wasn't given a choice. Look at it as a decision you made given your current situation. How many people find a job paying three times more when they need it the most? Look at the positive in this.

    All isn't lost. You have a lifetime ahead of you to work on your relationship with your spouse. Don't add the kids to the mix. He broke your trust. Make it about you and him and not about how the kids are losing out because of his fniancial decisions. You may feel that they don't notice because you don't say it but the cloud that comes over the parents after difficult discussions, you can't erase it. They do notice. Don't let them feel like their father is the reason they lost out on so much financially. I'm sure their father is doing things with them and for them. Look at that and try to appreciate it. Work on your relationship with counseling help if required to let go of the past. Don't forget the lesson though. Manage your own money!
     
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  9. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    @Laks09 ,

    I agree to you in everything. Sometimes I am so taken away by the past, its very draining.
    I just am in a train of thought that my sorted life was disrupted.

    You are right. May be I was lucky to be at home all the time yet make a bit of money and not having a total gap. May be its a kick in the bottom from life saying 'enuf holiday now wake up'. It is for the greater good. May be I should embrace it tighter.

    On the kids, my little one has borderline anxiety ( you already know who passed that terrible gene) and I have been working with her as her school suggested, but I think she too needs to chin up with me.

    Also I usually don't argue before kids nor I tell my negative opinions out. I have seen first hand how it affects children. I like the way my H fathers the kids... I will keep it that way. I just told them that I was bored at home so want to go out and work.

    Thank you for reminding to be greatful. I want my kids to be greatful and they only way to teach them is to show. Thank you for the post :) and wishes :).
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2019 at 12:59 AM
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  10. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    I strongly relate to your story as exactly mine. Only difference is I am way ahead in my life journey and my husband pressurized me to take higher paying jobs and never to take break. Now my kids are big I have saving but I regret for not able to give enough time to kids. U will regret too for same. I would strongly advise u to take it easy about job don’t exert too much. Give time to your kids while they want u. Kids grow very fast and mothers feel happiness watching them grow. U can take better paying jobs once your kids are independent. Right now do whatever make u happy. Communicate to husband and in laws u want your saving back for kids college and your retirement
     
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