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Financially Screwed....i Am Sure.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by WannabValerie, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Manisha Singh :)
    Well, I have always been practical with money, would ask my friends to give me back the money they owe after 3 months or so when I was in college... I think I loved my H too much to see any imbalances. I agree, was foolish.

    I wont lie, I have actually given up on him. The hurt and the feeling of betraying ( not me my children!), is not letting me see thru his 'innocence'. I am working on marriage by getting detached emotionally and financially, if it makes any sense.

    This inturn is making my breakdowns less lunatic over these 3 years, else I used to have breakdowns everytime I tried to ask or explain to him. Now I just dont.

    Good or bad, we arnt arguing anymore ( I dont see any hope so). Hopefully this induced calm will give him and me more perspective. We are just cordial to each other and speak to each other casually ( not lovingly).
    Sad no?. Well cest la vie!!

    On the job.. you are right...I am actually trying for that as I feel gloomy.
     
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  2. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    Hugs back Roar. Need them.
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    There used to be a poster who I no longer see here ( I think her login was sweetshreya), who had a somewhat similar situation with money going to MIL and SIL and kids by Shravan-Kumar husband. Maybe looking up her threads may give you some coping ideas.
     
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  4. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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  5. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    Typing away!:wink1:

    Well my husband has a condition which he will suffer for rest of his life. Arthritis.It can be maintained but not cured. When the doctor told me it was juvinile arthritis, I looked at my husband. He took me home and asked forgiveness because they lied to me ( arranged marriage) said that he took away my right of choice.
    When I asked my in laws they blatantly refused that they ever hid anything until husband backed me by 'reminding' them of that 3 hr discussion they had and decided to lie.

    I thought it wasnt my husbands fault to have a condition, we had fab 10 years after that, good holidays lots of happy memories and he really was my best man :)... until the property issues cane up ofcourse.

    So my sil is actually squeezing away an ill brother with her personally claimed illness ( does anyone see the irony here?).

    I read a thread where a 50 yr old lady finally divorced husband and the inlaws that came with him and leading an independent free life. I wish to be her in 15 yrs time really. My husband dreads it because he knows that the ONLY person who will be physically able and willing to care for him ( his condidtion probably might/ might not get worse in 15 yrs) will be me.

    I make 1/5 of what he does. Even full time I would probably make less than half of what he makes. He takes kids to all kinds of activities and spends time with them make them laugh and provides all the clubs and holidays they want.
    What I think is between 'kids are taken care of well and getting no real inheritance from him' and 'kids missing all moments and things they want to do and not getting inheritance'... I am taking the first.

    I might sound like a loser but I am just practical and mushy at heart. I have had very straight forward talks like 'why don't I invest on my mums name and assure you that it will go to kids' or 'Cant you see or you pretending you cant' which had him guilty for days, but nothing happens. Its like he has a compulsive addictive disorder to please parents. So be it.
     
  6. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

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    In many of these financial issues, we might be lost digging deep into the hole, unable to balance between feelings and logical thought.

    What you have in hand is what is to be done from now.
     
  7. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    If you can make him understand that he provided enough, from now on to fully concentrate on your and his own retirement, and kids and enjoy some luxury life for what you both working sacrificing so many things.

    Make him understand that as he has some health issue, it is important to save more for later years as it helps in taking good medicines and keeping in touch with top quality specialized doctors, which ease the life with these issues. (for ex: I have RA too and other autoimmune issues and the biological medicines related to this are very very costly with out insurance it is not possible to use these, google Humira, xeljanz, etc medicines and show it to him, these medicines control disease symptoms, just telling as an example, all may not need these type of medicnes, but when retired how to afford that costly medicines?)

    You save and invest what you earning and let him spend for all household expenses. Looks like he truly believes that sending that much is ok, because of their conditioning of brains by upbringing that if you don't follow what said by parents then you are a bad son. Saying no to parents is not ok in our indian culture for both men and women right, our conditioning. So take time and explain him and you take responsibility of your hard earned money as you don't want some body who lazying around enjoy your hard earned money.
     
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  8. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    Yup, I have got myself into exploring awareness as I was in the rabbit hole and could not function as much, that was 2 yrs ago... in a better state since then.
    I connect to your advice:).. nemisis of whom thou?.. not mine clearly
     
  9. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree 100% Kashmir Flower.
    It takes time and realisation. Conditioned children grow up to be a product of a condition.
    I am trying genuinely to make him understand and to be fair on everyone. However, I wont to rely on him to be my childrens only saviour although he could be one.
    You are absolutely right on these set of biologics, we arnt on them as of now but you sure know how arthritis works over time. Need to mention it to him for his own good.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2019
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @WannabValerie - Past is past. Look at what you can control. On the personal front, I believe you will deal with this hurt for a long time. I also believe you will keep looking at ways to assuage your loss of trust.You could consider some couple's counseling if you are open to it.

    Financially, it is time to be practical. What you have now is what you should start working with. Since you live outside India, do you have a college fund feature like a 529 plan in your country? How old are your kids? You should start college planning and start putting money away in some such plans so the college fees a few years from now won't break your bank.
    Do you have a retirement account? Is it possible to start one akin to a US IRA? There are tax benefits of saving in these accounts. I urge you to look into something like that and put away your income in something like this in your name.
    Life insurance is a good way to look out for the kids after your time. Look into options in your country of residence. Its always good to get something going before turning 40 to help with premiums.
    Do you have a financial advisor or planner in your country? If you can meet one, he can help you come up with an individual plan to save your money in things like MFs etc.
    Separate your finances. If the DH is impractical but spending on kids and your needs and wants, you do the savings for the future with your income. Even a 1/5th income can be saved effectively if the spouse is spending his on luxuries. Invest in your name and use the past experience as a lesson learned.

    The next step you can take will be to make a will and ensure you create trust funds for minor kids as a part of that will. A will/trust lawyer is who creates this in the US. Research the same for your country and do accordingly.

    Lastly, the assets in India, try not to give it too much importance. Regardless of if you get it or not, you need to have funds in the country of your residence. It's never a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket. Consider it only as a diversified investment over and above what you have where you are living.

    You can do this. IT seems daunting but start one step at a time. A good starting point will be writing down all of your assets that you have control over in your current country - checking accounts, savings, retirements etc and starting from there. Do one thing at a time and in a year or so you will have a good savings plan. It might take you a long time to get substantial amount put away but if you start now by the time you retire, you will have something. Consider a full time job or any contribution from DH a bonus. If you stress about it, it won't help you much. Work with what you have today and try to get some financial advice from a professional.

    Added: Try to delineate your personal relationship with DH and your investment goals. Seems like you both don't have similar future goals, make this your priority. Use your past lesson and don't give him control over your savings and assets now or in the future.

    Good Luck!
     

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