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Financial assistance - Double standard.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jan 22, 2015.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    YM, very interesting addition to the thread. If I was twenty years younger than I am, I'd say that it is wrong, and they should understand that a married son has expenses and will not be contributing as earlier, but will always be there for them in emergency.

    But, from the experience of the past 20 years, I'd say: what a child does with his or her salary in the first few years of working, depends on the family's dynamics. Depends on whether the parents faced struggle or lost property to siblings. Are there younger siblings of the newly married person, still studying. How much had parents saved compared to their relatives and peers.

    A question I would have asked the twenty-years-younger you: :)
    Did your in-laws help your DH with the finding a bride process, the wedding planning, and related stuff. Help does not mean financial help.
     
    sindmani, SGBV and butterflyice like this.
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    1)Depends on whether the parents faced struggle or lost property to siblings.
    2)Were there younger siblings still studying.
    3)How much had parents saved compared to their relatives and peers.

    4)Did your in-laws help your DH with the finding a bride process,
    the wedding planning, and related stuff.
    Help does not mean financial help.

    Answers:
    1)Not really. My father on the other hand lost most of his property to his brothers.
    2)Yes...but nothing very expensive. Mostly subsidized college degrees .My husband was asked to save for his brother in case he needed to start something.I guess that could be what they were doing....as he never had anything to save.
    As for my husband...they paid upto schooling.He has been earning since he was barely 20.
    3)Better I would say as mil comes from a better off family and they did not have to support fils in laws much. Mils parents never needed any help.
    4)No...it was arranged through a common friend .I was a simple wedding like it is usually in my community and they probably spent the same amount as my parents.

    It really is not the amount of money Rihanna...it was the mentality of taking absolutely everything. What they took before was fine...but asking for exactly what he had saved in his savings account just showed how fixated they were on it.They did ask for the next few years and husband gave every time.

    I suspect it was also done to make sure we did not have any seed money to invest anything for ourselves...because when I insisted on saving and investing in a 'house'...it started a war in the family. It was more about control than about money. A 'house' was seen as much more than a house and my attempt to responsible saving and investing in future was seen as attempt to break free from future control.I was even told to 'stop troubling their son with financial burden'.:rotflThat was my day of battle.I emerged a winner...a shivering ,trembling and bad girl with a black mark for ever. shakehead
     
    sindmani, nb25, butterflyice and 6 others like this.
  3. Quebec

    Quebec Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV,

    Well it happens. Nothing to be surprised about. Everybody gives advices coming from their own viewpoints and experiences.....

    its kinda like what Rihana told me once when i said something about men getting the stick..
    Like when you have a room full of individuals who have a certain viewpoint and then there are some exception then these things tend to happens.... Or something like that......

    Chillax..... And a piece of advice.... Although you are superwiser than me...... Please dont go and start searching and then quoting the threads....
    At first it will seem worth it and then slowly it will seem a few hours wasted...... I did it once for a diffrent reason...... Your call....

    Take Care
    Chow

    oopsie wierd...... He he he.......
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    That is very true Quebec.....I feel a lot of my views in this regard come from seeing my father getting exploited by everyone he allowed to(mostly family and friends). Mostly my father was at fault for putting himself in that situation where is was open game for exploitation....I can be very un trusting in real life and online life too.

    Also from watching my uncle (the gentlest soul I know) being ruthlessly exploited by his father and siblings .
     
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  5. Quebec

    Quebec Platinum IL'ite

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    Q.... The truest one...... He he he....
    :cool:
     
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  6. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    Just today my mom and I were having a conversation on this topic.
    I am single and believe in only investing on my wardrobe :p Off late, expensive (not much) gifts for my parents and sis - read jewelry, handbags/shoes and watches. Definitely things we (and I) can very easily afford.

    My mother was talking about how expensive it is getting and it is difficult to manage on a single income - that I would have trouble feeding a family + funding my shopping expeditions only on my salary, which is why I had to cut down. I retorted back saying that's the reason I am looking for a working (and earning) bridegroom :p

    Late this evening, when we were all glued to our tablets and laptops, my mom says - 'You have to change a bit. Even the best of the guys will not be okay if you keep spending so much money on yourself and keep buying such expensive gifts for "your" family. You should be prepared for questions on what you did with your salary over these years.'

    She also advised me not to keep quoting her.I have this habit of quoting my mom a lot, at one point in time "My mom says...." seemed like a perfectly normal conversation starter to me. I know better now and am more mindful about it at workplace, with some luck.
    what to do, My mom says a lot of stuff that is quote-worthy! :D

    I was this close to having another argument with her. Then she went all soft and said. People don't change. Men don't change. They may not show it on the outside as these traits are not very desirable. It is better to be prepared for the worst and then be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't happen!

    Is this why a lot of parents "condition" their daughters - to expect the worst from their in-laws (if it comes to that!).
     
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  7. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    @pocahontas, the passion for bags and jewellery wears off when you get a famiky. Then you start to spend on household items and home decoration, on your children. When you get grandkids you will try your best to spoil them completely. :)
     
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  8. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    I am sure I will figure this out myself. As in if I can't pay my bills, I will just choose the more important ones :p That is common sense.

    What got my goat was my mom asking me to keep in mind that a husband can ask questions on my past financial decisions and can ask me not to buy stuff for my family. Or make subtle hints.
    I am definitely not looking for someone to take care of me (after marriage) and will pay my own bills and contribute towards household expenses. And do some prudent investing as well. But beyond this, what I do with my money is my business. Whether I invest it in shoes or give it away in charity.

    And that is how my parents have treated me, as an adult - once I started working, they have let me manage my finances on my own. I have not asked them for money and they have not asked me for money. They don't even ask where the money goes but I do discuss some investment (financial) decisions with my parents. Now that I am living with them, I take care of some monthly expenses - not that they are asking, but I don't feel right about living rent free in my parent's house and eating their food for free.


    But my mother is asking me to keep in mind that a husband may not treat my salary as just mine and might have the "belongs to the family" attitude. That he might grudge even my spending on them.
     
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  9. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    @ yellow mango- You outdid your self. I agree 100% with your views. I know my views(like yours) are too much for the Indian culture warriors to digest and now that you told us of your background, I see why we think the way we do.

    You know because I am not married to an Indian, I am called out many times as this westernized person who had no clue of how the Indian family dynamics works. I laugh that the assumptions and ignorance of such thoughts. Because unfortunately, it was growing up surrounded by this Indian family dynamics at work that made me the person I am.

    There could have been two outcomes of my life experiences-I could either have turned out just like an average Indian girl accepting that this is life for a woman in India and I make best of it or I could have been determined never to be in that cesspool of greed and exploitation in the name of family. I promised my parents when I was barely 13 or 14 that I will never have arranged marriage or in any way be less than any guy in any aspect. I was extremely strong willed and I was determined not to play that traditional role of serving some man. Time and again, I told them if you want me to happy, you need to give me time and my future husband has to understand my nature and be sure that he can live with that and that is not possible in a arrange marriage setting.

    My dad was like yours who by God's grace made a lot of money but while that money gave us lot of opportunities and options it was cause of lots of problems too. Everyone needed some financial help- family and friends. My dad's family was reliant on my dad for everything. My mom's family also got a lot of help though not as much as my dad's (mom's sister married, mom's brothers bought homes taking money from dad). It took many years (almost all our growing up years) for my father to realize the true nature of so many so-called loved ones. My dad is inherently a very generous person.

    Because of this I always told our parents not to do everything for us. I told us not to make us reliant of them for everything. If you give a child everything well into adulthood, it is hard to really grown up.

    I am not one of those bra-burning feminist and hate that as much as chauvinism. I am proud of being born a female and I am inferior to no one. I cannot imagine going and living in someone else house and living within their rules after marriage.

    When it comes to financial assistance, the hardship rules does count but even that only to a certain extend. But if one of the siblings cannot afford but need luxuries in life but expect another sibling financially better to subsidize their lifestyle, it is just not something to put up with. Just recently I saw a thread where someone asking about getting back money lend by her husband to BIL( husband's sister's husband) BIl's brother and (gasp) BIL's brother's friend. All those money is gone on some hare brained schemes. Does anyone really think this OP and her husband will get the money back from these blood sucking leeches?
     
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  10. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    @ Pocahontas- You seem to have wonderful mom :)

    The one think we differ slightly is while I agree that you should still be able to spend on what you like after marriage (and why not, that is why you work hard- trust me I know the lure of shoes and purses and jewelry too much for my own comfort), I believe after marriage the money earned should be joint income. I say this because, if all nice husbands take cue from their independent wives and say the same that after bills and all, what I do with my money is my business, then what happens to building that shared life together? Maybe to buy that house or to plan for children's education or retirement etc. both should have a consensus on how to allocate money. And have an amount set aside every month for discretionary spending on whatever one desires.

    I am just like you too independent but after marriage we make all important decisions together as we really have shared goals. I guess most couple get there sooner or later after that trust develops and children come into the picture :)

    Btw, your parents seem awesome. My parents also treat us as adult and our opinions matter to them. My parents never even asked how much I was offered on my first job- getting into the company I wanted in field I liked was good enough for them. I showed my offer letter as I wanted to share my happiness.

     
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