1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

FIL wants us to settle in India..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Workingstudent, Jan 1, 2012.

  1. Workingstudent

    Workingstudent Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi ILs,
    I really need help here.. I am going to get married to my long time boyfriend fiance next year end. And We have graduated now and going to start our career life as well. I also have SIL settled for 12 years i the US with 2 kids. My to be in laws are here to take care of the kids and are bored for 6 months in the US. I am hunting for jobs. But my FIL is not very happy with his son and DIL settling down in US as well. But it has been my dream through out my life to live a US life and have kids and give them the best education here. I am the only child for my parents and they are in India. They are very happy I am living here and are even happy to move here. My fiance also wants to live his life here. But my FIL says that he will be happy if we live in India. He always talks only about his daughter (my to be SIL) that she is the best and even makes his son feel that he can never become as great as her. Now he is telling us to settle in India. Part of me feels that they are old and they need their son and DIL in their old days to help them out. I don't want to commit a sin by leaving my old in laws alone in India also. I feel bad. But at the same time I think why I should sacrifice everything and my whole life and dream for them when they don't respect their son anyways like their daughter. I am also scared that if we move to India only for them then they will again say their daughter and their grandchildren are great and they are superior because they are in US (They have always said great about their grandchildrens' education facility.) He said you have to start from zero now. But my daughter is not so. But it took his daughter 12 years to get established from zero to where she is, then why should we not do it? My FIL is justifying that my daughter settled here because she was adamant. My SIL is very very determined about what she wants. Then why should I give up what I want. I am fighting within myself between my own lifelong dreams and I should not get old people's curse and don't want to commit a sin. I cannot consult with my fiance much coz he usually sticks to whatever I want. SO PLS PLS PLS help me make the right decision!!!

    Thank u ALL in advance
    WorkingStudent.
     
    Loading...

  2. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,437
    Likes Received:
    711
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi ,
    Since ur hubby is interested in living in US , u dont hav to worry at all.. just explain him to tell his parents tht " they can come and stay with u guys for what ever amount of time then want..u guys want to settle there for some time"
     
  3. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,499
    Likes Received:
    2,340
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    You have to choose between your BF and your dream of living in US. List your pros and cons and also listen to your heart. It is not going to be easy but the decision is yours and yours only.
    if you are still asking for advise, I would say your FIL is never going to change. Your apprehension is not wrong. If he nags now, it is probably going to be like this forever. I am wondering is it really that necessary for you to get married now. Probably you should wait.
     
    2 people like this.
  4. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,921
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Please dont take any decision right now , first check what your BF wants. Let him come out with his decision or you will be blamed for it later .
    Men play smart and keep away from such dicey decisions and stay in the good books of both father and GF/wife.
    They want to have a clean conscience ,this way the wife cannot crib as the decision was hers !! This way they end up having the cake and eating it too.
    Since it involves your future FIL let BF decide.
    You stay quiet and see how things go and then decide.
     
    9 people like this.
  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    16,217
    Likes Received:
    22,913
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    I tend to agree with Monita when she says, your fil is not going to change for the better at this age. Then as you say, there will always be a comparison between his NRI daughter and son sitting in India (never mind the fact that they came home for his sake) and those grandchildren and your kids. Do you really want to get into this situation?

    Doesn't seem like a very good idea returning to India if both of you have your hearts set on settling down there. Your fil can always visit you or move over at some point - when he needs to be taken care of - to the US as both his children are settled there.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    399
    Likes Received:
    142
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear,

    You can very well settle in the US for a few years and later move on to India and take care of them when they are old. You both can say that you want to enjoy US life for a few years atleast. You can convince your PILs saying this. If after marriage, you have a child, you can very well say that education system will be good there and try to be there.

    For now, you can just remain silent if he doesnt direct the msg to you or your boyfriend.
     
  7. Workingstudent

    Workingstudent Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    Ya i agree with you. I am only worried about my FIL whining every time he will come to visit us after we settle here. They know very well that if we set here for sometime it is for lifetime. They have seen it happen once with their daughter. That is why he is trying to convince me now itself.
     
  8. Workingstudent

    Workingstudent Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    I told my fiance about this and he said he is fine with where life takes us. Be it US or India.He just wants to live his life happily with me. He also knows that his parents come to US anyways to meet their daughter and children at least for 3-6 months every year. But my FIL is trying to put pressure on my fiance telling him about his responsibilities to take care of his land and property. We don't care about the property or anything. Niether does my SIL want the property and stuffs. My fiance was saying that he will go to India for 6 months or so when needed and deal with the property and come back. I think it is a fine idea. But he is scared to tell his dad too..
     
  9. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,499
    Likes Received:
    2,340
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    In all likelihood, the pressure is going to increase with time until it breaks your BF. If your BF is scared to tell his dad now, it is unlikely that he is going to be brave in the future. Please see the reality as it is and take off the rose tinted glasses when you gaze into the future.
    I am not saying you should break up with your BF. But I can sense that at this point you are extremely unsure about the wedding and your future. My best advise would be postpone the wedding until you are more settled. If you want to go ahead, it is a big gamble. Your FIL might turn out to be a better person than you think he is. You and your BF might land up a great job in India and your FIL might realise your worth and stop nagging. You might feel happy that you are there to support your parents in their own surroundings. However, be prepared that these things might not happen.
     
  10. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    754
    Likes Received:
    1,252
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    From what I have seen/read, this can potentially become a big issue in the future. What I mean is that there are many cases where the husband wants to R2I (return to India) after some years abroad (be it on his own accord or due to parental pressure) and the wife wanting to stay in the foreign country. I think that once women have tasted the freedom/independence/absence of IL issues abroad, they tend to become all the more resistant to return. In India, there is no denying that you are more prone to pressure from ILs (on various fronts), might enjoy less freedom and financial independence than you do in the US etc. You are already clear that you want to stay in the US. You are also wise enough to foresee potential issues.

    Your BF seems to be wishy-washy here. He is probably not as bothered by comparison with his sister as you are. It may be that he is used to it or is genuinely happy for her as a sibling. Hence it might be less of a problem for him to return, which will probably be influenced by your FIL as PILs get older and put more pressure.

    You would do well to be practical and prudent here. What is the higher priority-getting married to this person at any cost or staying in the US forever? If you are open to some compromise you could probably tell him that you are willing to return after say x years and x savings (maybe some investments) and that you will take care of ILs but would prefer to stay apart. I am just giving examples-you know best as to what you want.

    If you strongly feel that you would be committing a "sin" by not obliging ILs and staying with them (I can understand your feelings), you are truly at crossroads and must rethink this alliance for your own peace.
    Good luck.
     
    3 people like this.

Share This Page