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Fil Criticizes My Parents In Front Of Me... Mil Escapes Saying Fil Is Kidding , It's His Nature

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by AAPriya, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    I have an issue with my PILs.

    My FIL criticized my parents in front of me twice. Just after a few days of my marriage, my father had presented me with a small silver lamp. I was unpacking in my PILs house and showed them my father's gift. FIL said we have so many of this in this house. Ask you father to present you with something else. I got so angry as to what rights does this person have to dictate what my parents gift me or not. I did not say anything then because I didn't want to start anything just a few days after marriage. My MIL was there too and she didn't say anything. My MIL, in general, is a nice person and has treated me well so far. But she is very possessive about her husband even though he ill treats him. I guess this is rational given that my MIL is financially dependent on my FIL.

    On another occasion when my MIL was not there in the room and only my husband's brother was there my FIL asked, "how are your parents coming to my house for the satyanarayan puja?" I said, they'll take a cab most likely. For which he said, "If your father has so much money ask him to give it to me". I was shocked. This felt like a direct demand for dowry. And moreover, what rights does this person have to dictate how my father spends his hard-earned money. My father taking a cab does not affect this person in any way. It's not like this person is not going to eat or have health issues or not bathe and be a social nuisance if my father takes a cab or not. I kept silent through this too. I should have lashed back at him for this, which I still regret.

    Fast forward 6 months, I still cannot let go of this. I talked to a therapist at my university. The sessions helped me a little and the therapist suggested, since your MIL is good why don't you take her support. So one day, my MIL herself sensed something was wrong and asked me what happened. So I told her all this.
    She listened to all of this and then said FIL was joking. His nature is so and that I shouldn't take it seriously.

    How can anyone ignore unnecessary personally overstepping comments about ones parents? So I asked her back well, how about I tell your husband he didn't even get a house for you guys to live in now and then I say I'm kidding. It's my nature so don't take it seriously. Then she fell silent and sort of changed the topic. I also made it very clear to her that if anyone talks about my parents next time, I'll not stay silent. I'll lash back with blatant words. I think she understood my rage.

    My husband who agrees that his parents are at fault cannot find the mental strength to stand up and say that to his father and mother.

    My issue now is, I'm still fuming over this and I just cannot stand that this person criticized my parents. It would be helpful for me if you friends can suggest ways to deal with this person. Something tells me there is more of this to come in the future.

    Thank you!
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you live with inlaws ?
    Start by making a mental note that you and your parents are better than the FIL .

    Then try the following

    A) Try to avoid talking to FIL as much as possible. Appear busy ( tried and tested formula , works every time for me ).
    OR


    B) But if FIL is a chatter box and talks too much , come up with a sarcastic funny and vague reply. Let him :thinking:.

    If either A or B work for you, sit back and celebrate your victory by lighting that silver lamp that your dad gave you. If you are in the mood to celebrate more, light the remaining silver lamps in the house your FIL talked about , if they truly exist.

    Don't lash out or keep fuming ! Some FIL's can be pretty sarcastic , the best revenge is to show that you are not affected ( and actually not get affected ).

    Since you mention your MIL being nicer, try to develop your relationship with her. That involves not criticizing her husband . She should not have to fight his battles and justify his behavior.
    And most husbands don't have the mental "strength" to tell their parents to behave in a civilized manner, who knew most Indian men can be this senti-mental.
     
  3. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    No, as of now I don't. And I have made it pretty clear to DH that I'm not inclined to. He's also sort of fed up with his father overstepping personal boundaries.
     
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Then it shouldn't be too bad right ? How tough is it to ignore him when you don't live together ?
     
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  5. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Haha, so agree.. xD
     
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  6. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    It's not too bad now.. I'm just concerned that if I don't show him his place, he's going to do more of this in the future. And I think I should learn to build a thicker skin. It gets to me when he talks about my parents.
     
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  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    I always felt the same about my FIL, the urge to show him his place. But with time I realized that his opinions do not matter to me at all, so why should I let all the negativity get to me. So I try to avoid any confrontations by keeping busy but do what I think is right. Over time he has realized that I don't care and have a mind of my own , so I think it's no longer fun for him to be overly critical or sarcastic
     
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  8. Benitapaul

    Benitapaul Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Your guess is right, there will be more sarcastic comments in future. You cannot change this person by showing where his place belong. I have been there and even tried all the talking back/silent/ignoring them treatment but all went in vain now.

    Best thing worked for me is not to give opportunity to them to make such comments to me.I don't live with my IN laws either. It's just phone calls once a week and I usually keep it short like hi,how are you and when he ask me what else, I would say nothing as if to mention just normal routine and handover the phone to DH.

    Still my IL ask about my parents to my DH to know about their whereabouts and everything. But I let my DH handles it and he knows very well about the information to share and how much to share. It took almost a year to learn this.

    Develop a thick skin and do tell things firmly when they step into your parents boundaries. That we need to do for our peace of mind. All the very best.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Why does your FIL's opinions matter to you this much?
    Are you that weak? or sensitive?
    It is important to have a strong mind and thick skin when you are married to an Indian husband/family.
    Because, usually Indian husbands do not have the mental strength to stand up against their parents' bad behavior.

    Your FIL has no manners, and perhaps he is insecure/jealous about your FOO.
    It is clear that he is less successful compared to your dad. Obviously, your dad's lavish life style is what bothers him.
    Let him fume over, and utter some words release his tension.
    But it doesn't mean you should take them to your heart. Also, it doesn't mean you should stay silent or accept his comments just because you are his DIL.
    Perhaps, that is what bothering you the most.

    The next time, when he says something similar, don't nod your head. Don't accept it in silent either.
    But, please stand up for yourself and for your parents.
    Probe him with further questions, like Why? Why are you saying so?
    What made you to think my dad is wasting the money? Why do you think he should give you more money?
    Simple questions like this. But be serious, firm but ensure your tone remains calm.
    Dont sound like an argument.
    When he gives unacceptable answers, then pause, roll your eyes as if you are surprised, and laughed it off.
    This body language should tell him, how you ignore his comments, and how they are unimportant to you.
    That should be enough.
    You should leave it at that, and move on.
    Your FIL will know his place after a couple of instances like this.

    Don't ever discuss this with your MIL or husband, and spoil your beautiful relationship with them.
     
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  10. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    I think I am sensitive. I've never seen such a person in my life who would blatantly like you said - without any manners - comment about another's parents.

    For sure, this is true. Both professionally and personally. Even my MIL sometimes says she doesn't like the way FIL didn't handle things for her and children properly. My father, although, was traveling around always ensured his family's safety and needs first.

    Yes, me having been silent then is definitely bothering me a lot.
     

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