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Fights Between Me And Dh Coz Of Sil

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sapna56, Sep 14, 2016.

  1. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    DH has got sil to in our house in US. He spent for her studies here. She stays at our place and so we are also paying more rent coz of her. After her studies she is doing an unpaid job. She is not earning at all. Inspite of that, DH taught her car. She somehow managed to clear driving test. And now I am worried that she will all the time take our car. We have two car one old and one new. I told DH that I need one car for myself. I usually drive the new car coz it's reliable. Now my mil has warned DH to give new car for my sil. And hence he is not ready to give me a car. In short I end up sitting at home with no car. And sil nicely driving our car.
    I feel like whatever he is earning he is dedicating it to his sister. If I start fighting with him on this he says that I can't adjust for her.
    Till date I have kept on adjusting with her. DH don't even think about me and what I need.
    Please help how to handle this situation.
     
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  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    I see a number of solution options possible. I leave it to you to pick the one you are most comfortable with, based on the actual circumstances.

    How do you think your husband would react if you took a good quality taxi service whenever you needed to go out ? Cab fares sure can be steep. And daily use of such cabs is sure to run up a big bill. Until your problem becomes his problem, he is unlikely to be motivated to find a solution. The economic pinch might just be the nudge that your husband may need to take your car needs seriously.

    Second why wait to be the last person to leave the house ? Get your work done at home early and pre-emptively leave home with the car you want. You don't need your sil's permission to take a car that you and your husband own. When you are confronted about why you took it say in your sweetest voice that you needed to attend to some important work related to the house (grocery/kids/doctor/shopping). The downside to this approach is that it can backfire if your sil in turn does the same thing. So this is the least optimal solution.

    Alternately if it appears that the car is never available, pass on your list of errands to your sil to get done if she's out most of the time with the car (grocery, oil change, drop/pick up dry cleaning etc). Nobody likes to be made to run around and they will gladly give you the car instead.

    My best and last suggestion would be to work out a compromise with your sil & put together a car sharing schedule. This living arrangement may be temporary, until she relocates for a job/gets married. Until that time implement a mutually beneficial and cooperative schedule to share the car. It's not convenient, agreed, but it's the best option you have instead of having to buy a third car for your sil or having an ugly fight at home that makes living uncomfortable.

    I think fundamentally your issue is not so much about the car but rather that you feel that your sil is favored over you, & as the wife your needs are overlooked. Extending the thought process of the last option I mentioned above, try to find a middle path in all of the sil- related issues. I say this because nothing is permanent and everything is transient ! Your role or importance in your home cannot be usurped or lessened by her presence. As long as your work gets done on a daily basis and there aren't any major financial issues as a result of her stay, don't concern yourself with a power struggle or indulge in petty, peace-of-mind ruining thoughts.
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2016
    sindmani, peartree, RedFlower and 5 others like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    First of all, it is your SIL (the guest) who must adjust with you (the host) and not the other way round. So, don't think that any amount of adjustment in such a circumstance will give you any positive results. You must demand for your rights and respect.

    However, you also should pick your battles. See whether it is indeed worth a fight? Is it worth to see two unhappy souls under the same roof? Is it permanent? Most likely your SIL is staying there temporarily. So, try your best to be the good host.
    It also important to see how is your SIL otherwise? You did not mention anything about her as a person?

    Above all... Are you working?
    If so, you have a good reason to take the new car for work. Leave early and pick the car before your SIL is ready to drive.
    If you are not working, then let the working SIL (whether she is paid or not, that is not important here) to use the car.
    Since you have given your car for your SIL, because of your H's request you can ask both to run the errands as per their convenience. Make them pay the bills, buy the groceries, pickup the kids etc using either of your cars. Get some off from these works for now, citing no cars.
    If you have any other urgency you may probably arrange a taxi.
     
  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP...
    1. Firstly, ur sil is atleast doing unpaid job and not sitting at home. Appreciate her for that.
    2. Secondly, your H teaching her driving is very positive. Driving will increase her chances of going for a better job at a distance and fetch her good money.
    3. Give her a good car. I mean , she is new in the country...n might not be able to handle car break down gracefully with an old one. Just be considerate.


    If your brother is here, wouldnt he be going through same stuff. Be patient until she learbs to fly. I am sure that no adult wants to stay with parents/siblings once they grow up. She might be feeling same b waiting to stay on her own. She will for sure leave one day from ur house, but you need to stay with ur H for life long. This battle is not worth it.
     
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  5. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Sapna56, change the equation in your head. Currently, you are setting up a situation where it is you vs DH+SIL. Change it to you+DH vs the world in all matters.

    It is not your DH giving the car to your SIL, it is you+DH hosting SIL and letting her use the car. Be gracious.

    You can't make SIL disappear, and some day you'll be glad she's here. Don't set up a competition with her for DH's attention. Befriend her, make her an ally, build a positive relationship with her. It will help your relationship with DH.

    Good luck, Sapna. :thumbsup:

    .
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Stop telling. Start doing: back the car out, and go for a long drive. Make the drive longer each day.

    Adjust the timing, and offer work-arounds to the problem of SIL left car-less.
     
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  7. samsWait

    samsWait Silver IL'ite

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    I would say she needs the new car more than you since she is the new driver here and she needs a reliable car. Think of her like a family member. Will you give her an old car if she is your own sister?
     
  8. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    She came here to ruin our lives. She didn't even have a GRE. She's failed for 3years in engineering. She took 7 years for engineering. She needs everything spoonfed. She don't even help me in daily chores even though I have a kid.
     
  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Does she have a degree now? How long is her visa valid and what is her plan for job? Or are your in-laws waiting for her to get married?
     
  10. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    My in laws are not looking for her marriage. They put that burden on DH.
    She is looking for job but she's not getting. She already had a job in India and my hubbys 2 bedroom flat in India to stay. But she came here leaving that to ruin my life.
     

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