Feeling Very Resentful...

sbonigala · Mar 31, 2017

OP, I have been thinking about this yesterday.
I was a SAHM for 3 years.
When we newly moved to Australia, DS was 2 and one day we (DH and I ) decided that I would not go to work until DS is 5. That way kids get some attention and help to settle in the new country.
This was in 2013 june.
My routine was to get up - make tea/coffee and some breakfast for DH, while he is getitng ready, wake the kids up get them dressed, feed them breakfast, walk to school and leave DD there, come home give a bath to DS , do the laundry, vacuum, sweep , mop, prepare lunch, feed DS, feed myself, by then it was DS nap time. Tuck him to sleep in the pram and go bring DD from school, shower DD and snack time - DS would be up, then home work, DH would be home, his tea and snacks, dinner preps.
I was EXHAUSTED after a few months. I was angry that I am left with so much work while DH works only 8 hours.
I used to regret my decision to have come to Australia leaving a great life in India. I had maids there. I had a great job there. I had family help there.

I then realized I was stuck in a routine and I very badly needed to break the routine.
I decided to take things one day at a time.

I would only make Indian breakfast on weekends.
Laundry is once (max twice a week)
Whats for dinner is what was made for lunch
Hot snacks will be made on Friday evening.
Vacuum will be done daily but in the evening, when DH is watching the kids while they are playing.
Mopping the floors alternate days.
Kitchen will be clean if I am in the mood to clean.
I went for walks with DS in the stroller. I enrolled in gym. I went to library - borrowed so many books - for me and kids.
Slowly I saw the change in me - I was less angry and less annoyed.

As @justanothergirl said, you need to break the routine and take it easy.

sbonigala · Mar 31, 2017

Found this online while reading something. Sent it to a very dear friend. Sharing it here too.

NeerjaC · Mar 31, 2017

sbonigala said: ↑

My routine was to get up - make tea/coffee and some breakfast for DH, while he is getitng ready, wake the kids up get them dressed, feed them breakfast, walk to school and leave DD there, come home give a bath to DS , do the laundry, vacuum, sweep , mop, prepare lunch, feed DS, feed myself, by then it was DS nap time. Tuck him to sleep in the pram and go bring DD from school, shower DD and snack time - DS would be up, then home work, DH would be home, his tea and snacks, dinner preps.
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@sbonigala This is exactly my routine right now and it's been going on for about a year and a half. The kids are still too young to help out but I try to get them to help out in chores as much as I can, sometimes its just easy to do things myself!
I miss the independence I had when I was working, nowadays I just seem to be constantly tired and no one even seems to notice. No one cares if I'm tired or hungry or just plain fed up!!
I've tried to change things recently. I have tried getting up earlier, 4 or 5 am if I can, this way I can at least get some time to myself to just sit and stare out the window or have a cup of coffee without being interrupted. It's nice when I can do it but sometimes I'm just too tired from the previous day to be able to wake up early everyday.
Luckily I have made a friend in the same building I live in, she has a young child too and we have a similar background so it's been easy to make friends with her and now I'll just finish my chores as soon as I can and go visit her to have a chat.
The advice I've been given here is absolutely spot on, I really do need to break out of the routine and do something for myself that doesn't involve kids and husband.

NeerjaC · Mar 31, 2017

Laks09 said: ↑

@NeerjaC - I am a SAHM and have a special needs child. I still hire a baby sitter and get out. It isn't impossible to hire a sitter couple of times a week.
You are home all day long with a young child and need to take a break.
Take time for yourself and take care of yourself. Make yourself a priority. In time, your children will both be in day care and you will get back to work. This is a short phase. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I do what I can around the house. I still drive myself up the wall regarding the parks I don't take my son to or the social outings he needs. I then remind myself that I'm a person and not a machine. There is this much I can do and stay sane and I choose sanity over anything else.

Take a break. Take a nap with the baby. Forget about little things. It'll get done in due course.

The babysitter suggestion was something I picked up from here, long back when my DD was little. It's something that I cherish. I have no memory of who suggested it but I go on date nights with my DH and it helps us bond. We tend to get caught up in the mix of kids, finances, respective parents, work etc etc and barely find time to do what we did early on as a couple. Going out and not talking about the kids and mom and dad etc helps a lot. We reconnect and get back fresh. In fact, my DD is now old enough to baby sit and on days she gets "vibes" from me she insists that Dad take me out and bring back my real Amma.

Give it a thought.
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@Laks09 I hear what you are saying but both the kids are under 5 and I feel like they are too young to be left with a babysitter, we've never used one before and I guess I'm a little apprehensive of entrusting my kids to a stranger. If it was an aunt or someone we knew, I would still have been OK with it but I think until they are a little older, I feel like leaving them with a stranger is something I'm simply not able to do. In the meantime, we'll have to figure out how to get some alone time at home itself.

DDream · Mar 31, 2017

NeerjaC said: ↑

@Laks09 I hear what you are saying but both the kids are under 5 and I feel like they are too young to be left with a babysitter, we've never used one before and I guess I'm a little apprehensive of entrusting my kids to a stranger. If it was an aunt or someone we knew, I would still have been OK with it but I think until they are a little older, I feel like leaving them with a stranger is something I'm simply not able to do. In the meantime, we'll have to figure out how to get some alone time at home itself.

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I think it is still possible to drop the youngest one too at the daycare, may be for few hours per week( these options are available depending on the daycare). That will give you a break and 'me time'

shri0218 · Apr 1, 2017

NeerjaC said: ↑

@sbonigala This is exactly my routine right now and it's been going on for about a year and a half. The kids are still too young to help out but I try to get them to help out in chores as much as I can, sometimes its just easy to do things myself!
I miss the independence I had when I was working, nowadays I just seem to be constantly tired and no one even seems to notice. No one cares if I'm tired or hungry or just plain fed up!!
I've tried to change things recently. I have tried getting up earlier, 4 or 5 am if I can, this way I can at least get some time to myself to just sit and stare out the window or have a cup of coffee without being interrupted. It's nice when I can do it but sometimes I'm just too tired from the previous day to be able to wake up early everyday.
Luckily I have made a friend in the same building I live in, she has a young child too and we have a similar background so it's been easy to make friends with her and now I'll just finish my chores as soon as I can and go visit her to have a chat.
The advice I've been given here is absolutely spot on, I really do need to break out of the routine and do something for myself that doesn't involve kids and husband.
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So this was my life before sometime as well..but yes there are some major differences ..I don't have kids. And that's a big descision regarding the job front..so I had a great job back in India and I had to give up everything- friends, job family,my independence after I got married and came to the USA. Initially it was ok but then the monotomy of my life drove me crazy...plus I was terribly lonely (I don't live in a desi area) and this caused a lot of friction in my marriage ..no amount of hobbies and anything else helped..they were all temperory fixes..so I think based on your kind of mindset the best thing for you and your marriage would be you getting a job..I know it's not easy but once you start working the other stuff will fall in place.
Even now I'm lonely but atleast I know I have to get up to do something else other than house work (no offense to SAHM - it's the toughest job! ) ..and it has improved my marriage ..

Laks09 · Apr 1, 2017

NeerjaC said: ↑

I hear what you are saying but both the kids are under 5 and I feel like they are too young to be left with a babysitter, we've never used one before and I guess I'm a little apprehensive of entrusting my kids to a stranger. If it was an aunt or someone we knew, I would still have been OK with it but I think until they are a little older, I feel like leaving them with a stranger is something I'm simply not able to do. In the meantime, we'll have to figure out how to get some alone time at home itself.

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My son is limited verbally. The first few times are hard but it gets better. I first found one when my son was 20 months old. Local highscooler. Summer is coming up and lots of high schoolers are on the lookout for babysitting jobs. Now since my DD is old enough to watch him and since she isn't working this summer, I'm going to have a reliable person at home watching him. All these years she was either too little or away at camp or other places so I had to rely on outside help.
My good friend has a nanny cam at home. I haven't fitted one. I thought about it but I didn't do it. As my son gets older and still doesn't converse much I think I'm going to get one soon.

Even the gyms that have attached baby sitting facilities may help you. Most of my friends use that facility to work out while the kids are taken care of.

BhumiBabe · Apr 11, 2017

I had been a SAHM, and I can totally relate to your situation. I think the best way to improve your mood is by going out to workout, possibly at the gym. Try to find a gym that has childcare (most of them have it) and force yourself to go for a week, at least. Many gyms allow a free week pass, and let you try out their facilities. I've personally noticed that my mood improves when I join a class, like zumba or yoga, and have an opportunity to connect with other women. I have also taken my son to the trampoline park during the children's play time, so I get to jump with him. That also brightens up my mood.

Housework will always be there, so try to set a day, where you spend the day outside of the home and finish up leftovers (or eat out).

Vedhavalli · Apr 11, 2017

Don't worry..
This is usual in every marriage.
2 days back i was cooking, then my DDcalled for doing potty.. I asked Dh to looked after the curry. 10 min later what I saw was burnt curry I shouted at him for that. He said he did switch off the stove... I kept shouting..
Later realized, I shouted because I hadn't my break fast. mood swings
Go for blood test thyroid , it's taking toll.
Relax

ashneys · Apr 20, 2017

NeerjaC said: ↑

We've been married for 7 years and have two beautiful children. Life hasn't turned out how we'd expected but we're plodding along. Lately I find myself getting irritated with him all the time. I seem to feel resentful anytime he asks me for anything, whether it's dinner or help finding something. Lately he's been sick, I am getting annoyed because he won't try any of my home remedies but listens to everything his mum tells him to do.
Has this happened to anyone else? Once you have kids your focus does tend to shift a little but I feel like I'm taking out all my frustration on my poor husband and yes, he can be a little stubborn sometimes but I don't want to keep getting irritated over every little thing. He senses it and stays out of my way but then we end up spending the entire evening not talking to each other.
I feel like we're drifting away from each other. It's hard to spend time with each other because we have no relatives or friends here who can maybe keep the kids for an evening so that we can go out or even be alone at home for a while.
Even he has started criticizing everything I do, what I cook, the way I clean etc. And this ends up annoying me even more. I resent being told I'm not good enough.
What do people do to connect with their other halves in the midst of their busy lives with work and children and other obligations?
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I think many of us go thru this. We call it the slump period. Every marriage has this now n then. But it is 100% fixable as long as ur foundation is strong and there's love. We went thru during our 7th year. It was horrendous. V fought for every damn thing. If v think abt it now, it does luk very silly. But at that time it seemed really really bad. Key here, u both hav to talk to each other n say let's dedicate 100% to fix this n den start. Take a day off from work n go out wen d kids r at school. Go for a movie or a fair or mall or a game arcade n b silly. Don't talk abt any drama n relive how much fun u have together. After d kids go to sleep, set candles n hav dinner (u can even jus order pizza, it's ambience n d mood dat counts) and talk abt ur happy times, happy memories. Say I love u any chance u get. Send a sweet msg during the day wen he's at ofis. Send a note in his ofis bag. Littlest of things can make a lot of difference. One person maybe sweeter than d other, plz don compare who's doin more n start another fite. U r tryin to get out of a slump, so jus put in all the effort n dig urself out. The rest of the things will fall into place once ur relationship is fixed.