Feeling Very Resentful...

Hi Neerja,

I can totally relate to you. I think it is once of those phases of marriage where boredom sets in, kids take the front stage and marriage takes a back seat, no quality time to spend with the spouse - given the busy schedules.

I would suggest that, instead of getting irritated, think of those initial days of your marriage, think of those lovey-dovey moments that you spent before the kids, think of all the care and love your husband has shown in all these years, think of all his support that he gave you during your troubled times and so on. Try to put your kids to sleep early and arrange a candle-lit dinner at home, surprise him, leave love-notes for him, write love letters like teenagers, cook his favourite food, dress up for him, cuddle up to him, talk about old times and so on.

Discuss with him about all the problems and try to sort them out. Explain him how you get tired of taking care of 2 toddlers and home; and if you are a working mother, explain him how you get energy-drained physically and emotionally. It is always a good idea to talk and communicate about the problems rather than keeping them in your heart and getting disappointed.

Hope my ideas give you a new ray of hope in re-fuelling your married life.

Love,
Kavitha

 

This is very common problem every couple face. No point of telling husband your problems. Husbands feel it nagging and big turn off. Your happiness is in your hand. You have to figure out what makes you irritated and happy. You have to take help in cleaning or cooking or whatever you can get. You have to find quality time for yourself and husband. Do things which makes you happy. Material things don't give long lasting happiness but good experiences do. It may be yoga, meditation, music or some activity. Focus on your health. If you are not getting good sleep focus on getting good sleep. Good health, diet, energy, sleep all affects your health and relations too.

 

Hi neerja,
This kind of things happens between most of the couples.Lack of communication can cause such things between couples.Things like this can be stretched far until they are broken and the only way to make things right is for someone to come down.Coming down doesn't mean you are wrong but it means that you value your relationship and love for your husband more than anything.Say sorry and you will try to make it better when he says that you have done something wrong...It makes him think that you are agreeing with him.First of all try to remember the days you spent happily with your husband when you are irritated.This sets your mood happy.Remember that "You can keep others happy only until you are happy".Try to rekindle the smallest things that may make your husband happy like kissing him when he leaves for work or leaving a note saying your love for him with the lunch box or having a small talk while your kids are sleeping.And things about agreeing to your mother in law while disagreeing with you is because he may feel insecure about your relationship with his mother.So tell him that you love his mother and the only thing you want is to recover his health like his mother.
We too face this kind of things but I follow the above mentioned things and we started living happy again.hope you find this helpful

 

I think you guys are going through a bad phase..in fact couples without kids also go through it...after a time it just gets very mundane and monotonous. And may be the sickness is making him helpless and frustrated that you become the punching bag?
Overall how has your relationship been..when he blames u for something just tell urself to calm down and count to 10 ..it def helps. Give small surprises..say make his fav dish..watch a movie late night with popcorn when the kids are asleep..it's endless ..is it possible to get a sitter..so u can go out for dinner ..and above all discuss wat u are going thru..it will get better..

 

why bother connecting? Just do what you can as a human being. Try your best. I have always tried "connecting" and failed. Now I feel what is the use of trying to connect even, you try to connect, they cheapen you. They need someone who won't even try to do that, instead make them go around them all the time. Don't get annoyed, it is not good for your health, just behave as though nothing's going on. I have seen wives who are like that have the best of all times- those who concentrate on themselves instead of caring for anyone else, those who behave like the world is centered around them, they are the ones who these men want to "connect" with.

 

Op, I don't know where you live, but is there any chance to hire a babysitter for couple hours while you guys go out?
My parents and ILs live far from us too, but we usually just call a babysitter we trust to watch our kids while we go out.
Even with kids you can do things together as a family to connect. We plan a family activity at least every week. For example, you can go to the zoo, aquarium, amusement park, beach, pool etc
You also might be irritated because you are simply tired. Make sure your husband does his share of parental responsibilities and if you both work, make sure that your household chores also equally divided.

 

OP, you have not mentioned if you kids go to any child care.
I have 2 children. DD used to go to care from the age of 1.5 years.

DH and I used to take a day off and made sure we had our time - like going out for lunch or shopping or at least an ice cream/coffee or if everything fails - just stay at home - watch a movie. This is in India.
When DS was born we had my MIL with us. SO we used to go out once in a while. But made sure MIL also gets to go outing with her son when I took care of my kids.
We now live in Australia. kids are in school. We continue to do our usual catch ups - meet for lunch/coffee . Sometimes on occasions like anniversary or birthdays we take a day off - and spend time till its kids' home time from school.

I don't feel guilty about not involving kids in our catch ups. I am doing what I should do to make sure DH and I are happy as wife and husband. For me, its not enough if I am happy as a mom. I need his time, I change my schedules to accommodate that need. Same with him. He does not feel guilty. He says that he needs some attention from his wife. He is not only dad, he is husband too.
And my DD thinks, "It's fair if you want to spend time together." , about the whole thing of her mom and dad going out.
Every relationship needs that time and energy. You invest that time and energy and still things don't work then that's a different problem.

 

Where is "here" ? If "here" is some phoren country, perhaps you need to look at the baby-sitter options in such places. How old are the children ?
Point to a location where you are, and IL'ites would suggest where to go for community help in giving you a babysitter now and then.

 

Dear OP,

Are you in USA or in India. It is not easy to manage job, kids, home and everything thing by oneself. Ladies above have already provided many tips to improve your married life . Try to learn to ignore your dh's affinity to his mother's advice. Most men are like that. As long as it is not affecting your life, neglect it. Stop giving suggestions on remedies if he is not interested

Are you physically ok, healthy and energetic or weak and tired? If we are physically weak/tired , we are mentally weak,so gets irritated fast. That's quite natural . If you think you are physically weak, consult a doctor , do blood work and make sure you are not anemic and don't have any thyroid issue. Those things can make us angry or irritated. So make sure you are healthy.

Next question is, what about your husband. Will he help you with house hold jobs and kids? When our partner don't contribute enough, it easy to get irritated. So ask his help without any hesitation. If not seek help of a maid.. if this is your issue solve it by discussing with dh.

If you are healthy and your dh contributing enough, then try to observe what are the factors creating irritation. If you think something is going to irritate you, take a break, deep breath and walk away for sometime till you calm down. If you think you spread negative energy feel free to say sorry.

Are you spending any time for you every day?( me time) Try to do something that makes you happy or bring peace of mind to you, like listening to music,watching TV, shows, comedy,reading book.. whatever that makes you happy.

If you are not happy you cannot make anyone else happy. Once you think you are relaxed ,happy and feeling peaceful , try to ignite your married life by spending some time with dh as other ladies suggested

Don't worry, you will be Ok, these things can happen to anyone. Be positive..