1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Feeling Upset!

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by sensitivegal, Dec 13, 2016.

  1. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello ladies,
    Didn't know whether to put this thread under working women or return to India since it has more to do with friends and people I am finally posting it here. I need all of yours valuable suggestions on this. Thanks

    I have started working recently. I love my work. However I am the only Indian at my workplace. Rest all are born and brought up in America like black americans, Russian,Chinese etc. I am having hard time making friends. I talk to them nicely, I intiate most of the talks. But I feel most of the time left out. I don't know if people are hesitant becoz I come from different culture or that I am new? Back in India when I was working it was a different set up.. obviously I had many friends.. I know my primary intention is to work not to make friends but there should be some motivation too at workplace. I daily feel so lonely at office. I am not from IT field. I made passion as my profession.. I am from science background. I was telling my husband I will do some computer course and do some Data analyst job because I might find Indians there... but I felt so stupid later .. just becoz of friends issue I don't want to change my entire career. I have worked so hard to reach at least this level.. but at end of the day I don't want to feel left out..
    I have tried several solution to this.. I talk good English.. I dress nice.. I tried to fit in as best as possible by exchanging common topics Like movies or travel.. but nothing is working so far..
    I feel like going back to India. But I have dream of doing my Phd here..I have enrolled myself into a certification program this spring to boost my resume.. I feel terrible when I think of spending 5 more years here in USA for phd.
    I once met a professor to discuss about phd prospects .. he was telling it to me that Americans are so MIOPIC.. they don't have knowledge about outside world.. they live in bubbles.. they wouldn't have travelled neighboring state..why I am stating this is that is the reason why they feeL Hesitant to talk to me as I am an Indian.

    Can you guys please suggest something to reduce the feelings of my loneliness or being left out at office? Pls pls reply. Thanks in advance.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2016
    Loading...

  2. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    969
    Likes Received:
    1,429
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello Sensitive gal
    It is hard to find friends here in US, in a work setting like yours.
    Slowly, in many years time they might warm up to you and few might be friendly. Will you survive till in this kind of setup?
    US is very lonely in this regard.

    You can try to find friends around your residence, some desi meetup or temple, or Desi dance group. Looks like it will be hard for the people of your company to be friends with you, it is not a culture. If it were a culture to be friends at work place- usually the case with men dominated startups, then it would not matter the ethnicity, it will be hard, you can try to arrange a picnic when it gets warm.

    But try to find friends in other places. In phd, you can find real friends, grad school is fun.
     
    sensitivegal likes this.
  3. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    @hermitcrab thanks dear for your reply. I have friends outside my office that's not a problem. The problem is only during office hours.. not having friends at work place is making my work not look very desirable..
    I don't know if I can survive these kind of set up for long time.. but in order for me to get selected into phd .. I need to finish my certification course which will take a year.. however I can do Phd in India too but that's not my preferred option.
     
    Vaikuntha likes this.
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,191
    Likes Received:
    7,009
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    It might just be your office. But I work in a non-IT environment, so not many Indians. And while my coworkers are pleasant we don't chit chat and hang out during work hours. Everyone eats lunch on their schedule and except for department gatherings we don't really talk all that much. So it's probably not you. As long as people are not actively hostile and are polite to you I would not make an issue of it. Just focus on getting your work done and socialize with people outside of work. I frankly prefer it this way.
     
  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,800
    Likes Received:
    2,318
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    how all other team members behaving with each other? just observe, for few weeks. Are they all friendly with each other? and not including you? If not don't bother. Actually office friendships are very complicated and it won't last long, and lot of politics too. as anybody can get laid off easily with two weeks notice everybody is like saving jobs, being diplomatic, protecting themselves by not giving info in the fear of anybody exploits etc people don't be open.

    It is very different work place than in India. our team lead never initiated or came to go for lunch outside in 6 years. can you believe it. No release parties etc. one other member he always eats at desk, never goes to even office cafeteria to get lunch. We all ate at desk looking into computers. we never had any party also. all were like that by the time i joined so I continued like that. we few Indian ladies used to go after few years. Lead wanted that way, prefers giving info to each one separately. almost like divide and conquer type.

    In another workplace, every week at least one time we used to go outside and every occasion manager and we used to go out,we used to pay for ourselves though. it depends on the managers too.
     
    Vaikuntha and sensitivegal like this.
  6. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    @MalStrom hey thanks for sharing! It definitely lightened my mind up. They are not hostile neither friendly. They just talk about work when is required.
    Will definitely follow your advice.. I can't change what is not in my control.. however I will try look at the positive side of working in USA.. thanks again:blush:
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  7. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    @KashmirFlower yes workplace here is different. My dh is from IT field... he did have lot of friends in office when he was working in India.. however now in USA.. his plight is pretty much the same.. everybody is friendly only during office hours but no outside friendship like inviting each other's home etc.. so he had sensed this too.. they are more professional here I feel.
    At my workplace... half of the people are there for long time.. so they get along well.. some who have joined recently before me .. are group friends from the same college.. basically everyone knows each other personally.. I really don't know how far they are close.. I feel left out.. it doesn't mean they ignore me completely.. they talk nice and they are courteous.. it just that they don't converse too much or act friendly..
    Thank you very much for your reply.. it helped
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  8. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    273
    Likes Received:
    313
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Having worked on either sides of the planet, I can say that thats how one is supposed to be at workplace. No wasting time, no chitchatting! I have had a hard time getting used to working for 8 hours. Here, I have my lunch and coffee at my desk. In India, we used to take a lot of chai breaks with coworkers and walk to the cafeteria for lunch.

    In the US, if you want to make friends at workplace, ask them what they do after work hours and weekends. Some of them might be into volunteering, some running, some into video games and some of them might like some quiet family time and might be looking for people with kids of the same age as theirs. Ask them if they mind you joining them for such activities. Start tagging along. You can ask them out for lunch/dinner/coffee once you start feeling comfortable around them. Again, do not expect them to chit chat with you during office hours except for a few minutes of general talk here and there.
     
  9. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,736
    Likes Received:
    3,283
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel, it's good to keep the professional life & personal life separate. Colleagues are colleagues, they can not be friends. If colleagues become friends, then it is difficult to work sometimes, we cannot be firm or take decisions regarding our work. If something goes wrong in the work, then those colleague friends may become enemies also.

    For example: At my previous work place, one of my colleague became a friend to me. So I trusted her so much and shared one of my personal info with her thinking that she is my friend and she will keep it confidential. But the very next day she spread the info with all our other colleagues. So I felt so bad, that my personal info was spread at my work place.


    Don't think much about your colleagues, just finish your work, be polite and professional with colleagues. When you are out of office, anyways you have lot of friends out there.

    It takes little bit time to digest these kind of cultures and set ups. After few months you will be okay.
     
  10. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    969
    Likes Received:
    1,429
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Great info here, for everyone trying to understand US workplace socializing!

    Few other points I have noted:
    People of different ethnicity continue their practices in US, and most countries are not as secular as India. We are comfortable with many religion, regions, cuisines etc. But most part of the world are not secular like us, so even though they are in US, they might not immediately warm to a different looking person.
    Polynesian countries, Malaysia are secular mingling kinds, but not eastern European.

    People of all kinds do talk about 'school homework', education etc, so anything 'child' related is a common thing. Once you have children, it is easier to mingle and at the same time differences in culture become super evident.

    If are seeing two people being friendly, most probably they are friends outside work and have known each other for very long, before working together. You do not know the full story, so please do not try to jump to conclusions of being left out or kind.

    Sensitivegal, you are also feeling homesick, try to isolate that issue from work and take care of that. This also a good time to decide if you want to raise your children here. Do you workout? Try to workout, I feel in US, we all have to workout to think clearly.
    Can you listen to music on ipod? Have you seen anyone? If so you can do that too. Do not ask.
    It can be hard and demotivating to be not able talk to anyone at work. 'Small talk' is great for workplaces, and sometimes the best. Do not underestimate it, check daily weather on your iphone, and talk at water cooler- 'I am glad it is going up to be 65 today' , 'I hear it going to snow on Sunday...!'
    Always, say your 'good mornings' or hellos in morning loudly! Say hi to you next cubbie person, in few weeks start following the HI with "so how was your weekend?" on Mondays.
    On Fridays say, " I am all done for today, have a nice weekend"
    You have to use the phrases, that people use here. And also put a picture of you and your husband on your table. If you look young, people think you might be looking for BF. Keep your weeding ring on.
    Whatelse...keep religion, politics out of office, keep weather, small talks in...keep the topics you talk about very light and impersonal. Make this office your gurukul, per se, learn here so that all this Americanization is done here....but loose focus on job.
     

Share This Page