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Feeling Tired And Stressed

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Jun 13, 2017.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....most people here including me do not live with in laws in India .
    Most don't have to live a life where you have no control over your life and the life around you in day to day life.

    It is easy to give advice for us but it is a sad reality thar the dil in a joint family often is at the bottom of the pyramid and does not have much say in her own married life. She has no control over her relationship with her own husband .

    She often does not have the decision making right to keep a maid or even afford a maid.

    Her health is often the last priority in the house. The elderly,the young,the earning male get preference and then probably her because she is the work horse.

    Hugs to you dear and grow a thicker skin. Ignore what your husband says and tell him you are doing your best.
    If you are not well....let people know loudly that you are not keeping well and can't manage the work load. Remember....the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

    Go to the doctor as a priority and get help. Leave your child with in laws and go if your husband does not have the time .

    Eat well and sleep well.....make it a priority.

    Go home to your mom when in laws come back. Let husband manage the drama.
     
  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, I am really sorry for the issues you are facing. It seems really tough. The only solution I can suggest is to have two maids in two shifts - one in the morning and one in the afternoon. This is so that if one is absconding, the other covers. So you are never left to your own devices to handle all the work. Get a cook, or make things easier for yourself by buying ready made chappatis or ready to cook chappatis, chopped veggies etc. I like the option of paper plates and paper for days when the maid is not there.

    I agree, it might not be the grandparents' responsibility to look after the grandkids. However, when Indian grandparents demand to be looked after without taking any responsibility for their own health or concern for the dil's problems, there has to be a quid pro quo. Let us not forget that these very grandparents probably lived in joint families or at the very least got help from their own parents and ILs to look after their own kids. They also looked after their older generation, but it was both ways.

    Besides how is it fair if they want to come and live for months, not let the dil have sufficient help at home (I won't/can't help and I won't let anyone else help), not to mention diverting their son from his duties as a husband and father? If Indian grandparents go and take care of their grandkids in the US, then there are enough of them who also demand that their children should relocate to India for their own convenience. No relationship can be one way. Let us also not compare with the western family set up where grandparents are not summoned to help with grandkids (though I do know of many who love to help look after them). No one expects the children to look after ageing parents there. Here we do. So no point comparing apples with oranges.

    You just have to be very firm OP. It is not easy and you can't expect to put your foot down and also get the best dil/wife/mother crown. Damn that crown. Just make sure that you are comfortable and all the jobs get done without any hassles for anyone.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2017
  3. stayblessed

    stayblessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Beautiful reply @satchitananda. So true if Dil needs to take care of the in laws what's wrong in getting the little help they can do. Not helping is one thing but burdening more the already stressed Dil is very bad. Sadly love and taking care is always one sided and always is expected from the Dil. Mute and totally not understanding husband's are the real problem in our society. They can take their wives for ride but won't tell the parents when they are on the wrong. Stay strong op. Many are sailing in the same boat if it in anyway would console you. Hugs, love and prayers to you.
     
  4. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, the first few years of a baby's life are very important for the family, as a rhythm is set. It is also important that the father is fully involved in childcare starting from this point, so the dad and kid bond and he also assumes his share of the child's upbringing (at least in the Indian setup). Personally I feel that this is when both parents have to be as hands-on as possible, with grandparents coming in only for play, for their own time with the grandkid.

    In your case, since your PILs are going to be moving in with you soon, you need to mentally prepare yourself and set some ground rules. Your first priority should be your baby, and your baby alone. All the rest has to be next. Be very firm about this. For example, if your baby is crying/hungry and your PILs want tea to be served to the guests, just run to the hall and announce "Oh I think my baby wants to be fed, please excuse me," and run off. Most guests will absolutely understand. Make sure to receive and send them off with a smiling face, so they/your PILs cannot blame you for being a bad host later on. Repeat this each time guests come.

    Likewise for chores. Do all this without showing your anger or irritation. After some time, your PILs and DH will get used to this. If the chores fall on your head, insist that your DH helps out or loudly announce that it looks like we have to use disposable items next time and just go ahead to take care of your baby. Also try to buy outside food/snacks for guests instead of preparing everything at home.
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.
  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Some in-laws want to visit their son and USA and invite themselves over.
    And then torture of DIL starts.
    Follow my rules.
    Don't use dishwasher, wash manually.
    Of course in-laws will not help.
    These kind also happen.
     

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