Feeling Tired And Stressed

Hey dear
I have read couple of your threads and understand the challenges.that you are facing. Do not get discouraged from posting here. People will have different perspectives for your problem. Take whatever you feel is useful and ignore the rest. You need to sit down with hubby, with a lost of the issues that you have and discuss them patiently without being emotional. These concerns need to be put across as soon as you can. And ask him to handle them. Also assure him that you are not going to be disrespectful in any way and will be supportive of his decisions too.

 

You can ask the admins to close this thread if you are feeling victimised or harassed.

 

Absolutely, we all feel the same way sometimes and it is a pity you have not got the support you needed. People are normally supportive but on occasion, they find an easy prey and turn on them. Just be careful. Not everybody is your friend.

 

@Needtobestrong,

I really understand the situation that you are in. You needed positivity even more than solution which brought you here but sorry that some perspectives had hurt you. Please take ideas that works for u and leave the rest behind. That includes mine too.

As you and many others said, family is close knit where we try to coexist by loving and helping each other. I know you are trying to coexist with ur in laws but it is not working as expected. I am sure it is parent's responsibility to take care of their baby but it is totally not wrong to expect help from in-laws or parents. I am telling this because I have heard stories from my own mother and mil saying that it would have been very hard for them to raise their kids if not for the help they received from their own parents or in laws.

Of course my mom/mil took care of all necessities of their kids. They dint push their kids to their parents/in laws to just sit back and enjoy life. They were dependent on them only when they really needed. I remember my grandmother(mom's Mil) took care of me whenever my mother was not in good health. We also took good care of her when she needed our help.

You are in such a situation now. You really needed their part of help to take care of ur baby/house. You dint expect them to do all the chores so that u can have gala time. I feel personally that there is nothing wrong in it. A little bit of help will not suffer them. After all it's their grandchild and dil who are in distress of health. They could adjust things like restricting guest invites, taking care of their guests or making simple dishes. I am damn sure ur in-laws would have received such kind of help from their own family in their time.

First thing to do is to take care of ur health and ur baby. Talk to ur husband that u are trying to coexist - give and take support from ur in-laws until u get back in shape. You tell him that u need it so that you guys can also join them in their outdoor trips one day. Try to connect with your husband emotionally to make him understand ur thoughts and make him request help from ur in laws. Once everything gets settled, you can appreciate their help and return the favour.

Idea of restricted schedule for them might backfire you as it is your in laws we are talking about. Even if it is for their own good, u will be misunderstood. Scheduling might not work for u as well.

Let's say u cannot seek any assistance from them ever. In that case, check if any possibility of bringing in ur parents for help. If so, talk to ur husband on this. Take their help till u get fine. Let ur husband continue his favours to his parents but in their own house till u r back in charge. Till then, they can do their retirement trips in their place. I am sure they will have relax time with their guests in their own house/trips around their own locality. U let them join you guys later once everything settles. This will not spoil their retirement time as they don't need to spend time for u or ur child. If not, let them handle their invites or trips or whatever if they are staying in ur house as it is husband's duty too to take care of his kid and wife. He has to prioritise his people's needs. Take possible help from maids as other posters say.

Please do whatever it takes to make u healthy and happy. U need to be good to take care of ur baby and ur husband. U r one good DIL as atleast u try all ur best to do good for all. Please don't give up now.
Sorry my intention is not to hurt anyone or any relationship but just expressing my opinion hoping it could help OP anyway.

 

i think most of us understand that the OP has health issues and it's ok to take help from parents or in laws when that happens . That's why they are our " family ". So let's spare the already stressed OP by not being too judgmental . OP, Take care and please don't read too much into the comments here. We don't walk in your shoes , so you should do what suits you best. Wishing you the very best! Hope you resolve your health and other issues.

 

Women all over the world are now raising kids , managing careers , managing chores all single handedly or with some help with spouse . If grandparents volunteer to help, that's great but if not, why expect and invite them over . Women in olden days used to get married and have kids early and their MIls or mom were in early 50's or mid and physically it was ok for them to manage a grandchild . Also ,it used to be a huge ,joint family system ( in most cases ) where there were many aunts and uncles living in the same house so it was not just the Mil's responsiblity to look after the kid . Everyone chipped in . My gripe is with people calling their in laws to US and having them do the free service . Our age most of the women are having kids in our 30's so naturally our in laws or Moms are way in their 60's or early 70's. How on Earth does someone expect them to run after a toddler ? Its not just watching a kid play and ensuring their safety. There is so MUCH work and I as a mom get frustrated and so exhausted so I can only imagine how a grandparent would feel. I don't deny that the kid does benefit from being raised with grandparents , but the conscience in me doesn't agree with old people being trapped in a house to do free babysitting!! And then comes the usual bickering about how my MIl didn't sterilise bottles, my toddler fell while she was home and the rants go on

While we expect them to leave their life behind to come over and look after our kids so we could earn more $$, tell me how many of us would leave everything behind even for 3 months when their time is up ?

 

I am all for raising one's own child , without burdening the aging grandparents. This is assuming the parents are healthy. Being tired/stressed and having a chronic health condition are two different issues altogether. If the mother is physically unwell and the father has to focus on his job to keep the house running, the nearest family members that can help are the grandparents . Also with medical expenses etc not everyone can afford to hire a nanny. So yes the OP is justified in getting upset that the inlaws are adding to the stress. It also doesn't help when the spouse is not supportive.

 

I never said what OP is doing is right or wrong . To each it's own and one should do what's best for them. I know how hormones can wreak havoc on us post delivery and how stressful it is the first few months ( been there ,done that ). I am am just talking about the Indian mindset in general about expecting grandparents or moms to look after our kids. It's just my personal opinion.