Feeling Tired And Stressed

Next time when a horde of guests come home, let the dirty dishes in the sink remain. Say you are tired and go to sleep. Your utterly insensitive husband can rant all he wants, pretend to be deaf. You have to stand up for yourself, no one else can do it for you.. insist on a full time maid. Deal firmly with ur husband. If you are not going tp make some drastic changes in this set up now another few years later you will have major health issues because of exhaustion and your kid will be deprived of a productive mom.

 

You need to explain how you feel and the physical and mental stress you are going through to your husband and in laws too if they are understanding.

The only practical solution I see is getting a full time maid to save you from this situation. Assuming that it's not gona be possible to change your dh or ils mentality any time soon. And if they move in permanently, there are gona be more guests and more running around for your dh. So make yourself comfortable first.

Till then, ask them to use disposables to serve guests and that you aren't gona clean sink full of dishes.

If they can pay for their trips and shopping, your dh can pay for a full time maid. Say you just can't do it anymore. If he complains about you not doing work, let him. Say you are not a maid and your primary concern is yours and your baby's health.

You can't please everyone, and plus it's always health first. Without it, we will suffer so bad.

When guests come, if you are up for it, go talk. If you are not, sleep in. Say you slept. And tell them not to disturb you while sleeping, doctors orders or it will screw your health more. Anyway they are gona keep coming since yours ils are super social beings. So missing a few times is not a big deal.

Regarding your dh doing picking dropping or running around, either your dh has to prioritise or your ils should understand. If nothing happens even after you try talking to both of them, tell all of them clearly "yes, it's a son's duty to take care of the parents. But it is also a husband's duty to take care of the wife and child. So just like you run around for them, you have to do the same for us too. You can't be more of a son and less of a hubby or dad. Do it equally." If you can't stop them, join them. So add your schedules in this too.

 

Dear Op,

I agree with what Shreema86 have mentioned, you can do this.

• Health Part:

1. First of all go for a proper medical check up of yourself along with your DH. Health is wealth and if mother is happy and healthy kid will also be fine.
2. Take rest as per your kid's timings, sleep is important for your health.
3. Go for a walk let your DH & in laws & even your guests take care of your kid while you are doing kitchen work.
4. Spend some alone time for yourself.

• Guests handling:

1. Opt for disposable paper and thermocol plates and glasses, spoons & cups order food from hotel as per your budget.
2. Just prepare tea & keep in stock ready made snacks for the guests .
3. Let your kid be the center of attraction for the guests and not your in laws.
4. Go for buffet system for snacks, lunch or dinner - some hotels also provide serving utensils.

• Maid problem:

1. Shell out some additional money for extra work and house cleaning.
2. Leaves of maid either fire your maid or pay cut for leaves taken without informing or ask her to give a stand by maid during leaves.
3. Give her only 2 days monthly paid leaves.

• Dealing with DH and In-laws:

1. Involve your DH & In-laws for your kid care.
2. Speak with them about your concerns about the food habits for your in laws.
3. You can also go along with your in-laws during their health check ups & also consult the same doctor or hospital for your health issues, so your DH time and exertion will be saved and everyone will be aware about your health problems.
4. Prepare a strict time table for everyone in the family and if questioned then tell it is only for in-laws & your kid's health concern you are introducing these new set, i feel no one will have any objection.
5. For pickup - drop and drop go for Ola or Uber or Other cab services / share cabs or prepaid cabs even you can keep a track of their movement through the GPS system its safe and economical even your DH time and energy will be saved.

Best wishes...

 

Take care of your health first ! Nothing matters more than that, the sink full of dishes can wait . Since you are tired and unwell, everything will overwhelm you. If there are guests , you don't have to make tea / snacks every time. Let the inlaws handle it . It's your house and you set the rules as to what is acceptable and what is not . Take rest and focus on the child, once you stop doing everything around the house they will be forced to get a full time maid.
What about your parents ? Can they help out while you figure out your health issues? Take care !

 

Op,if your in laws are only causing problems and not solutions ,then it is a big problem.

Put your foot down and get a good maid.
When your husband accuses you ..just tell him this is the best you can do and you are trying your best.

Next time guests come...just tell them politely you are not well so can they manage with some khichdi and pickle ?

That will make your mil understand that of they call guests,they have to entertain and serve them.

Make husband and inlaws take care of kid while you are doing other work.

I like Disha's idea of going for health check up with inlaws when husband takes them . Hand over child to husband and go see your doctor .Tell him to take your child to the paediatrician .

Simplify your life and ask husband to help out.

 

Op....can you go to your parents place for a month to get some rest. Do it when in laws are at your place. Let your husband know they can manage on their own or if they can't then let him help them.

 

Wrong thread

 

Dear OP,

I get you POV. Even though your post seems as if it is something against the in laws's visit or their way of life, what you have written in detail explains a lot of other info - which seem to be the key issue here.

Your in laws are the parents of your husband. This way, they have all the right to visit you or stay with you provided your H is also on the same page as them.
However, just because they are staying or visiting, doesn't mean they should take care of your kid or live as per your choice/wish.
They are elders, and they can't change their life style just like that.

However, it doesn't mean they can walk all over your life, that too at this most vulnerable stage of your life like this.
Probably they have no idea about your pain.

What is your H's take here?
He is right that it is his duty to run errands of his parents, and take care of their needs. Good.
But looks like he has forgotten his duty for his wife and kid.
He can't expect his wife to serve a bunch of guests all the time. He can't expect his wife to act as a maid at her own home.
He can't expect his wife to bear almost no sex life, and no emotional support from him forever.
He miserably failed as a husband here.

This is your main problem....

Your in laws diet, their traveling, their sickness and your H's duty towards them is none of your problem.
You wouldn't even feel bad about them if your relationship with your H is better.

So, do not digress the main issue like this. Focus on the main issue...

1) Your in laws can come and stay with you, and it is their right... OK
But you can't service too many people (in laws and guests) on a long run. So, it is important to hire a maid/cook regardless of the pay rate. Your H should find a way to hire a reasonable domestic help, to release his wife (you) from the overloaded work, specially when she is mentally and physically unwell (due to postpartum)

2) In laws can invite guests, but they also should respect your opinion since they live at your place.
You can't go on to give your opinion to someone who do not care about it. But your H should care for your opinions. He must regulate the guests by negotiating with his folks.
He must find a middle ground somewhere. So that, both his wife and parents are happy.

3) In laws can eat anything, and it is not your problem.
Should they catch any health issues, your H should take care of them. If not he should find some nurse or support system for his parents. Their health issue can not be your burden.
If it becomes your H's burden, he will definitely regulate their life style.

4) Look out for day care. But I am also not a fan of day cares for young kids.
If you can wait, stay for another few years at home with the kid till he goes to pre-school.
If not, then opt for a nanny. Ask your in laws to supervise the nanny.
This way, they are not directly forced to look after the toddler, at the same time the nanny can't misconduct with the kid while someone is supervising.
Further, go for nanny cam... and other security measures.
If you start working, you should be able to pay for these additional expenses from your pocket.

5) Sit down with hubby. Stop complaining about in laws and their matters all the time. Even if you are right, it doesn't help.
But start speaking something positive. Stop interfering your H's relationship with his folks. But concentrate on how best you can make him prioritize you and kiddo.
This will improve your relationship.. Also pay attention to the physical relationship.

6) Take initiatives for vacation and fun plans. Use your in laws travel times for family bonding...
Instead of blaming the travel, you can make use of it positively...

 

Op. Please go and check your health first. Just take a cab, book the appointment before hand . u can even take the baby with u. Health is wealth. Hope u healthy soon. Try to consider any trustworthy babysitter maid from ur native when u join office. Day cares are good , maybe since its a small child special care from trustworthy people is better.

 

I just don't get it why we indians expect our parents or in laws to look after our kids ? It's like the minute a baby is born , there is some unwritten or unsaid rule that grandparents should leave their life behind and come running to look after our kids .I do understand the need for some care for both the mom and the baby for a few weeks post delivery but after that the parents should be responsible for their kids . Our parents or in laws have sacrificed a lot in their lives to raise us . They didn't have the same resources financially or otherwise and lived under much tougher conditions so when they are free of their duties in their old age /post retirement, they have every right to do what they want . I find it totally unethical when I see these old indian grandparents coming to US and running after a toddler or being stuck in a phoren land with no freedom of their own . Also , they come from a different generation so naturally their views on child care will rarely match with ours and this discord will definitely lead to friction and long term resentment .

I see some grand parents giving up their comfortable life in India , coming to the US to look after the kids at the behest of the DILs or sons and when something doesn't happen as per the DILs wish , the same DIL will start ranting about it in social circles or this forum . Heck, who and why did you invite them in the first place ??

It's your house so you should set your rules . While you don't have any right to dictate them how much travelling they should do, what they should eat etc ( imagine your Mil dictating the same to you ) , you have every right to tell them how often would you want guest over in your house . Let them know it disturbs the baby schedule and it's hard for you and the baby to rest.

Ultimately, I feel its your kid. Get a nanny, get a maid , involve your hubby, do whatever you want to make your life easy. I find it morally wrong at all levels to involve any of the grandparents unless they volunteer to help.