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Feeling Tired And Stressed

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Jun 13, 2017.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    It's been 9+ months since delivery, managing baby and household on my own..my inlaws spend some time here, some time in their hometown and travel quite a bit..I'm feeling stressed due to many reasons..
    1. Baby health..there are health complaints now and then..sleepless nights, doctors visits , medications etc making me tensed..
    2. I'm having health issues but unable to consult good specialists and take treatment with my hectic schedule..
    3. Whenever I call my inlaws to come and help, I m not getting the kind of help I need..becos they first of all have out dated views on childcare and they also are having many distractions, for example as soon as they arrive they invite guests home and keep entertaining them..if guests some it's so much extra work and no privacy..also they keep travelling and visiting different places..either temple visits or relatives houses or functions in remote places or going to native place for some function
    They also don't maintain good health..if they follow proper diet restrictions and stay in one place it's ok, but roaming in many places and not caring about health guidelines makes them down with some, health prob or other ..they ll travel to some place, then come tired and say that they are not well..they prepare and eat variety of food items, many of which are not suitable for their age and health..and apart from looking after kid I have extra work as they will go for frequent doctor visit and my husband has to take them..there are many other people of their age who are so fit because they follow strict diet and do walking everyday and practice yoga, why can't they follow their example...if I say anything it's taken in wrong way..
    When they know they are weak then why not take care of health and avoid excessive travelling..
    My husband doesn't have much free time, what time he has also is spent on them..taking them to different places or doctor checkups or running errands for them or relatives..he says it's his duty to look after them..but isn't it their duty to not over burden us..
    4. I have employed maid but in my area maids are overpaid and highly arrogant..they apply leaves indiscriminately..even cooks are overpaid..the day the maid doesn't turn up its a mess..especially if guests have come..
    5. Expenses are more but if I apply for job they're not capable of looking after neither they have any commitment of staying and looking after kid..and I'm very very scared and paranoid of hiring any nannies or day cares as I heard many accounts of how infants and toddlers are ill treated by the caretakers..
    6. These days my relationship with my DH is strained..many occasions when we have fought terribly..mostly it's due to misunderstanding created by someone else..
    We hardly go out anywhere , intimacy almost nil.
    I feel tensed lot of times..I don't want my kid to get the negativity from me..what to do..
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2017
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  2. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I am going to post my honest opinion here, please ignore if you find it offensive.

    Your child should be your responsibility, and yours alone. Here, by you I mean you and your husband. You cannot expect your parents or your inlaws to take care of your kid. They have raised you and your husband respectively, given you good education and worked hard to bring you to this level.

    Its a different thing if they offer to take care of your kid, but you cannot expect them to do it forever. Unless they are living off of your money. Employ a maid or nanny. Yes, it can be expensive, but its your kid.
     
    Sunshine04, sindmani, SGBV and 3 others like this.
  3. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    not sure where you stay, but these days good day cares are available even in smaller towns . I think you should definitely try this option.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,do you still live in a joint family?
    Don't expect inlaws to take care of child . Let them travel and consider it your free time.They have done their bit and they deserve their free time. Think of it as your time away from taking care of them and their guests.

    But first go to a doctor and get yourself checked. If you are not well,you will not get better without the help of treatment. Make that your priority .

    Simplify your life. Make simple meals. Get paper plates and cups for the days maid does not come.
    When in laws are not around,lock up the unused part of the house so that there is less cleaning up to do.

    Talk to your husband and plan to go out for a movie or dinner once in 15 days.
    Start going for walks with your baby. Put the baby in a stroller and go out. You will feel better and get exercise too.

    Best wishes. Hope you feel healthier and better soon.
     
  5. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    If your in laws don't help and are more work why do you keep call ing them back to your house, that's beating a dead horse. You should be getting your husband to help you it is his responsibility too. As for cooks, maids you hire them and deal with them and if you don't like them then do the work yourself. Sorry to sound harsh but you are pushing your problems on to others.
     
    sindmani and Needtobestrong like this.
  6. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    Your problems are temporary. Although you must be feeling overwhelmed with work and responsibilities now it will change with time. Babies grow fast and your work will be less. Spend money on maid now instead of expecting help from in laws. Take care of you health first. Take good sleep and know this shall pass.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    It is not easy to take care a baby full day. With proper planning and sticking to schedule you can manage it better. Seek your dh's help without hesitation

    Don't expect any help from anyone other than dh. If you think in laws brings additional work, don't seek their help and invite them your place for the time being..

    If there is any health issue consult doctor and follow their instructions.

    If you still need help, hire someone or look for good day care
     
  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Since you wrote about it in great detail, the main problem for you looks like your in laws aren't just staying at home and taking care of the kid and house like you want, so you can have some free time. N even when they come, they take more work than help you.

    Well, in reality, it's your house n your kid. So it's your responsibility, not theirs. They have done their share of doing everything and they are free now, it's your turn this time. Stop any expectations from them and it will in turn stop your fights with dh due to them.

    In terms of additional work when they come, keep them away for a while till you get a hold of your n your baby's health. Focus on that first, its very very important.

    Regarding the maid, check if you can get someone from your in laws or parents native. Or speak to a reputable maid agency and get one to live with you till you need. You can go to work this way too. Your in laws can also supervise whenever they are around. Also Set up a few nanny camera n live stream from home since you are scared, so you can watch all the time. Or find a day care that gives this service.

    I can understand that you are feeling overwhelmed as it feels like you are doing everything. Trust me, many of us have sailed that boat so can understand exactly. Just calm down and prioritise. Don't do everything. If something is messy, let it be. Make simple food or order in. Use disposables. Ask your dh to help around, he has the duty to. During the times when it's too much to take, just stop what you are doing and go for a walk or watch a movie (laptop) / listen to music or anything that can calm you and re-energise. This phase will pass too, don't worry.
     
  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for replies...
    I request people not to be judgemental...
    I know very well that bringing up child is parents responsibility..
    I know that I shouldn't expect anything from them..
    These days I don't call in laws for help...but they anyways come to stay..and they are going to shift with us shortly as they find difficult to cope up in this age alone..I don't have objection to that..
    I'm not saying no to joint family..but the thing is I m feeling tired and stressed out..
    There is no way I can keep them away for a while, my husband won't allow it..even I don't have right to tell them not to stay with their son...
    But what I find difficult is that when they come to spend time with us, they keep inviting guest left and right...so additional work, and with all the noise I can't sleep also..
    They're only keeping part time maid and are not ready to spend money on additional helps for other cleaning work..Maid is also irregular..
    If they want to travel and roam they can very well do so, that is if they are in good health..they can team up with their friends or relatives, hire vehicle or taxi and go where they like...
    But problem is they expect my husband to babysit them every time, even if going outstation they want him to accompany them and if they go out with relatives for shopping they want him to pick and drop everyone..
    Even if they have small personal work they can very well look after it on their own but they send him for each and everything..he just keeps running errands for everyone..
    He never says no..
    What free time he may have on weekend or holidays is gone and I'm left to manage alone..
    When there are emergencies it becomes difficult ..
    Recently they seem to have many health problems and it's difficult for me to manage everything on my own...if they are doing well they can do as they like and I can manage my work, but if they keep on travelling and not following healthy lifestyle and falling sick it's additional work and responsibility for us..
    For example, last month in laws went outstation then after returning here they said they are feeling tired, not well etc..same day guests also came..it was such a mess..imagine sink full of vessels , 7-8 cups of tea, big vessels, plates with snacks etc ..
    I only had to clean and clear up everything ..
    If they are not well they can relax what's the need to socialise so much.
    I'm not physically and mentally prepared to entertain guests but they anyways keep inviting people..
    I feel tired and overwhelmed sometimes..and if I'm unwell and want to take rest my husband gets angry with me and accuses me of not doing any work..so many fights we have had..

    That's why I feel tensed..
     
  10. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Op
    Relax.
    When your in laws are not around ,then its only,.your husband and the baby right?
    Forget about your in laws for a while. First and foremost goand get checked up. Take proper treatment for whatever health condition you are facing.once your health is on the track , trust me all your depression will go away. Trust me on this.
    This can happen within a week. So first go get the doctor's appointment. Go with your hubby and take baby along with you.
    Is your baby still not letting you sleep in night?
    if yes, then sleep when your baby sleep, even if it is just for 10 mins. Once you hubby is back from the office, go for a walk alone. Ask him to take care of the baby for half an hour. You will feel better about yourself. Make it a habit.
    And take things easy. Cook little. Let the house be massy for a while. Give priority to your baby and your health. Do not think about help for a while. Manage things wisely and always think positive. It is natural for the kids to get sick. Try not to worry too much about your baby's health.
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.

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