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Feeling Lost In Life..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweety2019, Jan 21, 2020.

  1. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    No I didn't grow up with a lot of females around. Only extended families. Where the females I know we're no nonsense kinda people.
     
  2. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    I am really happy for you. Touchwood hope it will be like that forever.
    I am open to a any suggestions thank you so much.


    I used to appreciate her qualities. I thought she spoke well about people, she was kind. But I realised that was only to their face or when she needs to get sympathy. The quality that I used to appreciate was all a facade. Even now she talks in such a way everyone else feels bad for her.

    I always thought let me support her as she was a homemaker. Let her have her way in what she was comfortable doing. Always gave space for heher for her and my H, and tried to help in whatever she wanted. In the end it felt everything was useless and never appreciated for.
    What is her biggest complaint? Everything!!
    and biggest complaint about me?? Everything!! I do anything or do nothing I still get blamed for.

    well yes I agree we don't take it to heart when parents scold complaint. Why? because there is no office politics played behind your back by our parents!

    And any relationship even with parents where they always only find faults, talk ill about you will go sour.

    Sorry if I sound defensive is this not counter to your previous statement ? DIL have to treat them like parents when they tell anything. But DIL is always an outsider?
    Yes I realised I'm a outsider the hard way even after treating them like they were family/ parents..

    Why is it treated like I'm talking only against his mother? He is my husband and i thought I should be able to be vulnerable with him with my emotions. on how something is bothering me and be my rock.. Is that wrong? Is that too much of an expectation. When the wife is going through something which might lead her to depression is that not something he should know? Is the same thing not expected when it's the other way around?

    He is a son for my parents and they do treat him the same way. Or at least with the respect and love. And if there are instances of uncomfortability then I balance it out for both sides. And there are times where I have chosen H's side and not told adjust and go..
     
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  3. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Pick your battles. You are NEVER going to win one against his mother. They are coaxed that way.

    He has become defensive and waiting for the instances when you to talk against his mother and he defends her. He is happy to go round and round forever, but you can break that cycle; stop the whines on her to him.

    It hurts when you realise that you have put someone on your priority list and they didn't. You cant force anyone.
    For your own sanity, accept and keep expectations realistic, take the mil out of your equation and find a happy train and ride it. Spend your energy and life on something that will change your life towards good. All this mil centric emotions and fighting for his priority is not wise.

    Get a set of good friends.

    Sorry, it might sound as a average marriage but its better than bad marriage... at least it gives you a bit of sanity and smiles on your face and that glow in your eyes .. Good luck :)
     
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  4. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    If you have tried a direct relationship with MIL and it did not work, it won't work on second trial.
    She is not the river stone and you are not river rapids.
    She will not come to your side.

    People, somehow, decide whether they want to work with you or work against you. It is not something that you can change much. Accept that MIL will not work on your side. If you feel like an outsider, just accept the feeling. And accept the feeling as the normal- your baseline feeling, instead of trying desperately to feel 'at home'.
    E.G. Many of us stayed at hostels/ dorms, we were not at home and sometimes had to sleep in big rooms, to keep fighting to make the big room or to feel at 'at home'- will only cause our energy to deplete. That energy was better used to study, while accepting the bad food, other drama of hostel living.

    You accept your situation, as the new normal and stop fighting with your own feelings. Tell yourself that it is the way many women live, and I will make the most of it.
    Carve out some alone time- in your room, or your terrace, or your walk. Do your duty towards your children, and minimal towards duty MIL and husband. Do pray and keep your faith/ spirituality as the center of your universe. Spend your energy towards something to study or to work.
     
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  5. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    IMHO
    Do not waste your precious energy in making any part of husband's life easier or rosier, including his laundry, including his interactions with your FOO.
    Let him figure out his interactions with your FOO, if they insult him, let it be. If they adore him, let it be. You stop trying to control the outcomes of situations. Atleast, for few years now, stop controlling the outcomes.
    If he is about to fall in the open hole in middle of road, let him take the fall. After that do the minimal duty of calling aid (only after some time)- this is an example for you to visualize your reaction/ action.
    Safe your energy to only takecare of yourself and children. Rest all is formality.
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Sorry for the long post.

    I dont know how long you have been married. I think you are relatively new to this married life (a few years.. correct me if I an wrong), that's why you are wasting your precious time thinking about MIL. The best solution is living away from your PILs in your own house. If that's not an option, think about how you can make your life pleasant and better.

    There are so many positives in your life, good married life. You have full freedom and dont have other typical issues (see relationship forum , then you will realize how blessed you are ). Use it that your advantage. I guess that there is no verbal abuse or other serious issues from MIL side. If so, start recording.

    First of all think like a neutral person. What will be the advice you give it to another person who are in the same situation.

    You husband ->like any other typical Indian husband, his parents will be his first priority (my case too). Accept it. It take time to accept that wife should be their priority (not all men, most of them). It many take a decade or more.

    He don't want to support you in those conflicts because blood is thicker than water. Or you failed to convince him. He loves both of you. Also he don't want to talk against his mother as he know well that her next complaint will be like this..> He stopped loving and respecting his mother when he got a new wife..he forgot her sacrifices for the last 20-30 years for his wife who he just met. So all her enmity will be against you. He don't want to do that. So he is playing safe. That's what you need to accept. He don't like your complaints against his mom ,consider that as nagging and became defensive (He already conveyed it, then why are you doing it again).

    So think in smart way. Use your brain. Not emotions. What is your objective ? A good life with you dh and your own family. MIL is not your family, but extended family.

    As a first step, completely stop talking against your MIL to dh. It didnt help you so far. Second, start talking (occasionally, not every day) good about her to dh when you notice something, it can be about her cooking, her kindness, her personality, her dressing style. (you already mentioned a few here). But make efforts to convey him what you did for MIL, I helped her with that, she was very happy. You should spend some more time with her.. etc . Ask him to spend time every day with her. You should convince him by these very informal talks that you really care about her and want her to be happy. Take your own time. As you talk always positive about her, he will slowly stop taking MIL's complaint serious and may wonder why she complains about you when you treat her so well.

    So far your dh didnt support you. You should stop expecting any support from in this matter. Solve your issues by yourself.

    Try to be positive, No one like a nagging and complaining person. If you cannot say anything positive, no need to talk on that topic. Also stop competing with your MIL for your dh's attention (I read your old post, its very silly). Its not needed. Let her do whatever she wants for him. Give him space. Let him do whatever he wants to do with his parents. He should be happy to come to you and spend time with you. Enjoy intimacy and build bonding between you two.

    Also stop fighting or arguing with dh in front of PILS ( I did once I still remember the expression in my PILs face). Your bed room is your palace. Calm down and wait for the right time and talk your issues with him. Only you too. Even after this if they interfere, ignore or you can say very politely, mom let us solve this issues.

    You relationship with MIL -I didn't get much idea from your post. But I think there are so many complaints. So much negativity there. Do you know why she think you don't treat her well? When you live with ILs its not easy to ignore them completely. Treat them like the way you want to be treated even when they don't treat you well. First step is reinforce positive behavior. Treat her like your mom but remember well that she is your dh's mother.

    If she talk well, talk in a very nice way to her. Ask everyday, if you get an opportunity like, How was her day, did you eat. Do you need anything.. If go anywhere, inform her, and ask whether she wants to join.. like you really care. Never ask for any permission. Just do what you want. When you get a chance to talk to her alone, be straight. First talk about here positives , like, mom I really like these qualitative (mention what you want), but I appreciate you to talk to me directly if you have any problem with me. I feel very sad when you talk this way (its always I feel, I think..'I' not 'you' ).. you have lot of experience, I am still learning help me to learn. ....., I want you to be really happy... etc.. You can say what you like or not. Say NO whenever needed. But remember to talk only when you can do that in calm and loving way. If you cannot, then maintain silence.

    If you disagree with her on anything reply there itself, dont postpone. It should be done in a tactful , respectful way. Always watch what you say, never give them an opportunity to use it against you. Never allow her to insult you, your parents, or control you in your personal matter or interfere in your married life. You should learn how to build a boundary in a healthy way (if she cannot talk positive, keep her negativity herself). Lower down all your expectations on her. Her kid (your dh ) is important than you. Accept it.

    Do your duties, help her if needed. Dont expect any wonders. Also observe her and learn her weakness. Think well before you talk. Also observe your body language. Is it positive or negative. Be a positive person. If nothing works, just imagine how do you treat a room mate ? Maintain a cordial relationship. Silent mode wont work. Always try to talk (even if its minimum) and communicate well.

    As a first step, why dont you observe yourself for a week or two, then slowly increase interaction with them. Take your own time to heal and approach the situation in a better way. Also start smiling and nodding your head, just listen, dont react. but respond if needed.

    [ I have observed my PILs, parents and others well. As they are old, they want to value them, their experience , their presence, they want care and respect.. If we can give them that half of the complaints can be reduced]

    No one is perfect. Try to see her positive qualities. Do this as your duty , always maintain your level and cultural standard and values. We cannot control others. We can control only our response. Detach from her and dont take her actions to your heart. Consider her as old person who needs help. Don't allow your mind to be affected by MIL or her actions. Select your own battles. I feel that you are very sensitive. Need to reduce that sensitivity towards her. I believe virtue always wins if not now, in the long run. After a few years you will realize how much time you spend on MIL and you should have used that for other purposes .

    Create your own world, focus on your job, friends, activities, hobbies.. Build a positive attitude. Focus on you and your married life. You wrote 'Feeling Lost In Life.." Its not correct. You have a good life with some problems that can be resolved. We build our own life. If there is a will there is way.

    [ My case- I have better relationship with FIL. He is very positive. reads a lot so I can discuss anything with him. My PILs have better relationship with me than my co-sister. I always talk only positives of PILs, appreciate their helps, concerned about their health ( there are many things I dont like,but I dont talk about that to dh ). So my dh dont have anything to complain. I dont interfere in their relationship with my dh. I dont babysit my husband .He has to do his duties and take care of himself. It is his duty to take care of his parents , my job is to support. I also changed my priority. Its is me, my kids followed by others.

    I treat PILS like the way I want to be treated. It there is an issue, if its silly I ignore and mind my business. If I feel that I should disagree, I reply there itself in a positive way. My MIL is a good cook. So if I like anything, I will tell her. That make her happy. I also spend time to learn her cooking. But I should be ready to listen to her stories on how others like her cooking :). Also I dont interfere in what she is doing in kitchen, only assist. I ask her if she wants me to do anything. If I want anything I will cook once she is done with her cooking. She dress really well. So always mention what I like. I know very well that I am her DIL not daughter. Also think well before I talk. Make sure I talk in a nice way ( I am an outsider, she knows me only after my marriage. That's not the case with my parents. So I can talk in whatever way to my parents). So far they treated me well. Whenever they were in USA, I made extra efforts to make them happy and comfortable. Most important, I am not living with them)
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020
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  7. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Silver IL'ite

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    @Sweety2019, I used to feel the same amount of stress that you are feeling now in the beginning. It was really stressful because they were only adding fuel into an already stressful setup. That said, now I feel that in-laws are not really that big a problem - the real problem is the relationship between the couple. Nagging, conspiring in-laws is nothing new, it's more a norm I have begun to feel. Don't try to convince husband, don't waste your energy trying to make him see your point of view, he won't do it, period. In my case, I was always accused by my husband of not talking to my MIL. Problem was that MIL would be ready with a set of complaints - it was always about what was wrong with me, what was wrong with my parents, my siblings. She would put me in a tough spot, I wouldn't know how to answer her. Although now I feel that I should have tackled it better. Just telling you that you should not let them affect you. Leave it. Don't try to think about it. Try being nice with them, if they respond nicely it's fine, otherwise just let it go. Don't magnify it yourself.
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    That makes a world of difference .
    Different lives , different battles.
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Exactly :). That's why I suggested that as the first option. I have lived with PILs in India too to have problems if any. Also they stayed with us here multiple times(`6 month each) in US too. They are basically good people. But it took time for me also to adjust with them. They too. Also I dont involve dh in between me and them. There are positive and negatives. No one is perfect.

    Op, my suggestion is based my experience from my marriage over a decade and my observations on other PIL-DILs , friends, cousins etc..There are cases where their bad relationship later became good ones & vice versa.

    If someone complaints about me, I will evaluate it-check if there is any truth in it. Check from their angle too. If I find it genuine, then try to correct it. If its baseless, ignore & move on. I am least worried about what others think about of me as long as I do the right things & duties in my view. It really helped me.

    Dont expect anyone to solve your problems and face it head on. Also never expect anyone to appreciate what we do. These expectations are natural but it kills our happiness. What work for one dont work for others. So try different approaches and find what works for you.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020
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