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Feeling Helpless

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ishaan10, Aug 19, 2018.

  1. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    I'm a single daughter to my parents...now I'm married n living with my husband n mil in chennai...I want my parents to settle down in Chennai..but after retirement they went to their native place...my parents n mil are not in good terms...even my husband are not in good relationship with them , for face value they were k that's it...now I'm pregnant with my second kid n they want to spend time with me...m working too so leave issue n travel reason I'm not going to my parents place..so they are coming to see me once in a month...i will become very anxious if any mishappen occur between mother n mil. so I ll start shout at my parents for silly reasons...n I know I was wrong...iindirectly I will ask them when u r leaving....I cannot go to my parents home frequently n I know two elder people living separately, they need someone to take care of , that's why I wanted them to settle in Chennai , but they r not willing for that ...any ideas what I can do...
     
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  2. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    @Ishaan10,

    I can understand how difficult it must be for you. But under no circumstance, it justifies your shouting and insulting them. Due to extreme stress and anxiety, you must be doing it but YOU MUST LEARN TO CONTROL IT. Please speak to your husband about your dilemma and how it is affecting you mentally and physically, more so since you are pregnant. Any normal person should be able to make peace with the situation and allow at least minimum decent and stress-free contact between your parents and you. Remember, it is your right.

    You must be aware of the reason behind this uneasy relationship; try to solve it amicably and if needed, take the help of trusted relatives. With a little effort, there should be some progress. All the best.
     
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Check if you can hire a vacation home next to where you live. It can be a small house, furnished with necessary things or there are many companies that rents out things these days from stove to fridge to bed n stuff.

    Set up a home for them n let them try it out till you deliver. Maybe they will like it after that or will get used to spending time with you n the kids or atleast you gave it a full try. Or they like this setup n choose to visit often even if they don’t want to move permanently. And this way you avoid all of them being in the same house n avoid all the dramas.
     
    sindmani and NeetaR like this.
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't you think it's unfair on your parents. How hurt they will be everytime
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If you don't respect your own parents,how can you expect your mil and husband to respect them.

    They are not your punching bags.
    Why should they want to come stay in your city ?
    After marriage,your parents have become the weaker party in front of your mil.
    Instead of standing up against your mother inlaw ,you are choosing to hurt your parents.
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
  6. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    I said I'm shouting at the
    I said I'm shouting at them for silly reasons not disrespect them infront of mil...I can easily scold my mother n easily convince her...but not in case of mil, n I have to live with her ...I have made a huge fight with mil for not giving proper respect for my parents...so that issue was solved...but misunderstanding occur easily between them , so I was tensed for whole period during my parents stay..
    I had a high opinion on you yellow mango but ur jumping to conclusions easily...I said I'm feeling bad shouting at them...I'm not here to ask whether Im right or wrong...I know I was doing wrong I asked for any solution not accusing finger pointing at me...
    U asked me why my parents have to come in ur city?? U don't want ur parents live nearing u??? But I want them living near me, living with me is not a practically possible option so atleast I want them to be here..
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2018
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Shouting at your parents for little things because you are worried is wrong.

    If they know you are going to shout at them for things not under their control,then they will prefer staying away...specially if it s something because of inlaws.
    Very few parents of girls want to be the reason for tension in her marital home.

    Again....shouting at parents for something that s not their fault is absolutely wrong. That could be one of the reasons they want to stay away because they realise their daughter is worried about things going wrong ....and shouting at them because she cannot control the anxiety .

    As for staying at their native....it is their choice.
    They have done their bit ,now they deserve to stay where ever they are happy and comfortable .
    If they are healthy and happy...let them choose what they want.

    As for my parents.....I want them to live wherever they want to live comfortably and happily.
     
  8. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear yellow mango...I think you want someone to have a tug of war with you..im not into it....n I think you have some understanding issues...did I asked you I was right or wrong...I asked for any solution if u don't have one mean please go on ur way...
     
  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    You are only child and your parents have educated u well that's why u are a financially independent/working woman today. Do u think u are in any way less than a son?Why u indirectly ask your parents when they r leaving? Does your DH behave like that with his mom?????? She is staying with her son permanently right? The why your parents don't have right to visit u every month?

    Why u feel like a guest in your own home? After-all u are earning also, then why u feel your parents don't have right to visit your house and stay.The female foeticide /infanticide will reduce when girls like us start to stand up for our parents and make sure they get the same respect and care that boys' parents get. If both husband and wife are equally earning, both have right to take care of their parents, just like your DH got your MIL to live with u .

    If u were not financially independent. I might sympathize with your dilemna, but that's not the case. So please don't have wrong notions in mind that your parents are not supposed to visit u for long just because MIL may not like. Please don't feel intimidated, have faith in yourself and your value as a woman.
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2018
  10. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes..these are questions I'm getting repeately in my mind...I was brought up in similar way like my husband, but I can't have my parents stay in my home for long period...I m feeling low to be like this...if I asked my husband why my parents can't live with me he says simply that I wore mangalsutra n u came to live with me , this is our tradition u can't simply change it..
    Yes I'm financially independent , even our house hold expenses was done by me only..but that doesn't mean I should disobey husband or mil, I want peace at my home...n one more thing if my father alone comes n stay mean there won't be any issue at all with husband n mil...my mother was little talkative n it's creating issues...
    Last time when my mother came she told about my close relative story that Dil wants to go separately... ofcourse she told it as just a story but my mil thought she is giving me ideas...then that's the start of next issue...
    That's why I start shout at my mother don't talk too much...but seeing at her face after I start scolding I feel guilty, that's why I started this thread..
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2018

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