Feeling Helpless..please Help!

Zxcv · Apr 2, 2018

LONG POST ALERT

Hello All,

I have been married for 3 years and all along my life I have never been close to my family or my sibling (I am the younger one). I always had friends around and never felt the need or loneliness. I have been a kind of rebel in my family (love marriage – but with their blessings, chose to move out of the house for college because I wanted to experience that life..I lived in a small town, made clear to my people that I definitely want to be financially independent, NO KIDS yet purely out of choice – just a few to say) Whereas my sibling is exactly the opposite and I personally felt that my parents got the best of both the worlds from each one.

All my life I was constantly compared with my sister made to feel that my sister was better than me. But when I got married things changed, somehow my parents became closer to me (even now my sister is given the priority) but still things are far better. I don’t share a good relationship with my in-laws (extremely money minded and chauvinistic) but it is a cordial one. I treat them with respect and maintain the formal expected relationship. Me and my sister live very close to each other but couldn’t be more strangers. I have tried more than I can mention and not to mention my husband to maintain a close relationship but they have always given a vibe that we are not their types and that’s it. Something as a phone call asking how I am doing is missing. None of her major life events were informed to me or I was the last one to know. My BIL is even worse and makes sure to let us know that he clearly dislikes us and even doesn’t like his kids spending time with us. After all the insults I have finally given up that I ever will have what all my friends say (about being super close to their siblings) I even feel so embarrassed that I lie to my friends and colleagues (like weekends me and sisters family went to picnic, my sister got me this earring and so on)

My husband in general is a loner and is content with me alone. Whereas I am more social but after my marriage I left all my friends and moved to foreign location with no indian community and after facing many many major health issues where I had absolutely no support from my sibling. So I am at a place in my life where expect my husband I don’t have anyone to share or care. And I am haunted by all the insults and the absolute indifference by her and co. I feel very worthless and unloved and get very bad thoughts. I end up crying for hours together and suddenly my job, money or achievements seems worthless to me when I HAVE NO FRIENDS OR ANYONE IN MY LIFE. And I realized that my personality has completely changed over the years (for the worse) I am extremely awkward around strangers and always get nervous that they think I am ugly or just plain unlikable. Whereas when I talk to my old friends I am able to switch over just like that. I have deleted ally my fb/insta accounts because it upsets me that everyone around me seems so happy with friends and family

This space is my last resort. Please help me to get over this phase and any suggestions to have a more positive outlook will help me.

Sandycandy · Apr 2, 2018

There is no rule that siblings have to be the best of friends and get along. Ideally yes but not always. They are put together by chance not choice. Your sister and you are two different individuals , she for some reason has chosen not to be close to you and you need to accept that and move on.
It’s good to be social, it really is. But not at the cost where one derives all their happiness from interactions with others. This is a good time for you to look for strength, happiness within yourself and be self reliant in general.
Pardon my assumptions , are you in the US and not able to work because of visa restrictions ? If yes , there are plenty of opportunities here to utilize your time effectively. Volunteer, pursue hobbies , study. Also don’t restrict your friendships to Indians only, you will be surprised you might connect with people of other nationalities. There is also so much to learn about other cultures, food etc and it can be a very enriching experience.
As much as the western way of life has its flaws I really think that their focus on making individual happiness a priority really helps . You also have a supportive husband, a unhappy spouse does affect the marriage. Be fair to him and yourself and live life with gratitude and just be happy.

Take care !!!!

Zxcv · Apr 2, 2018

Sandycandy said: ↑

There is no rule that siblings have to be the best of friends and get along. Ideally yes but not always. They are put together by chance not choice. Your sister and you are two different individuals , she for some reason has chosen not to be close to you and you need to accept that and move on.
It’s good to be social, it really is. But not at the cost where one derives all their happiness from interactions with others. This is a good time for you to look for strength, happiness within yourself and be self reliant in general.
Pardon my assumptions , are you in the US and not able to work because of visa restrictions ? If yes , there are plenty of opportunities here to utilize your time effectively. Volunteer, pursue hobbies , study. Also don’t restrict your friendships to Indians only, you will be surprised you might connect with people of other nationalities. There is also so much to learn about other cultures, food etc and it can be a very enriching experience.
As much as the western way of life has its flaws I really think that their focus on making individual happiness a priority really helps . You also have a supportive husband, a unhappy spouse does affect the marriage. Be fair to him and yourself and live life with gratitude and just be happy.

Take care !!!!
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yes, I am in US and the first year was hell because I fell very sick and she or her family never bothered to even visit me in the hospital. Thankfully I found a job (I really love my job) and that has kept me quite busy.
I also understand that we need not be close but its almost that i dont exist to her. I have tried to reason out to my myself but I have tried to do everything to be a part of her life and her kids. They (she and my BIL) dont want the kids also to be with their aunt is wat is the saddest part and I absolutely love my nephews. In the past we have has our differences like any other siblings but nothing major to sever the relationship.
My parents are also aware of her and my BILs treatment towards us but they keep making excuses that because she is the elder one why dont u adjust or may she is stressed about something else. All along my husband was ok with it but he is tired of it now too.
Though i go to work i still feel very lonely..I am just unable to make friends ..i get so awkward and dont know how to cope. I have tried to calm myself with music and books but for a few hours i do ok but then its back to the sinking feeling.

Deborah · Apr 2, 2018

Dear OP - @Sandycandy has said everything that came to my mind after reading your post but in a much better way.
All I can say in respect to siblings is you have tried and now you need to let go.Stop being Haunted by their insults. Count your other blessings.Many of us don't have an understanding and loving spouse.I ,for eg ,don't have a husband who is emotionally connected to me or shares his thoughts with me or even shows any interest in mine.You have one,appreciate him.Your relationship with your parents is much better now as you said.Put more attention on that.Try visiting them or having them visit you in US.Send them useful gifts.
Focus on the things you like doing rather than people you like.You are so lucky that you are in a country where unlimited options are present for us to grow as a person.People in general are warm and welcoming. You can make yourself worth and useful to someone. You can volunteer in an old age home or a hospital with terminally ill kids.You will soon realize how important you would be to them.
Please don't feel dejected because of blood relations.You as a human have unlimited power to change your life in any way you like.

Deborah · Apr 2, 2018

Just read your reply. I have a question .Do you think her treating you better would make you less lonely or make you feel better? If the answer is yes,then you are putting too much energy in this relationship.
Let go with no malice,no ill feeling.Just wish her entire family well and let go.
Its so nice to know that you are really enjoying your job.Take baby steps when it comes to interacting with others or making friends. Small talk during lunch ,cordial Hi-Hello. Soon you will find like minded people who share similar interest like you.You can also join Book reading clubs on Meet Up or Music lover clubs .Do try this.
We all get that Sinking feeling sometime or the other in our lives.At least I do and know its natural.And then something or the other always pulls us out of that. Trust yourself.You will come out of this feeling of despair .

GeetaKashyap · Apr 2, 2018

That's life! We have siblings by chance and the sibling rivalry is an accepted truth! Parents invariably encourage or prioritize one kid over the other, thereby sowing the seeds of sibling rivalry. I too go through your emotions often.

In most relationships, jealousy and constant comparisons affect us very badly. We can ignore when outsiders do it and it is very painful when one's own siblings do it or when parents fan such feelings. We have to accept at the earliest that after marriage, our circle of influence changes and we have to focus first on our innermost circle which includes the spouse and kids. Parents and siblings come only after this innermost circle. So stop looking for your sibling's approval, focus more on enriching your family bond and develop more fruitful relationships outside, if possible.

Social media seems to trigger these comparison trips so often. We forget that much of what is flaunted in the media is choreographed, feigned and what not. Instead of asking 'why me', start asking 'why not me?', it will help you to realise your tougher inner self; you are much stronger than you realise. Focus on realising your potential and maximising what life has offered you. Finally, everything happens according to one's Karma; you would be more at peace if you accept Karma and go with the flow.

Zxcv · Apr 2, 2018

Deborah said: ↑

Just read your reply. I have a question .Do you think her treating you better would make you less lonely or make you feel better? If the answer is yes,then you are putting too much energy in this relationship.
Let go with no malice,no ill feeling.Just wish her entire family well and let go.
Its so nice to know that you are really enjoying your job.Take baby steps when it comes to interacting with others or making friends. Small talk during lunch ,cordial Hi-Hello. Soon you will find like minded people who share similar interest like you.You can also join Book reading clubs on Meet Up or Music lover clubs .Do try this.
We all get that Sinking feeling sometime or the other in our lives.At least I do and know its natural.And then something or the other always pulls us out of that. Trust yourself.You will come out of this feeling of despair .
Click to expand...

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. You are right..this rejection occupies my thoughts almost the entire day. Its just that my family also is close to her (plus the grandkids also - more to talk and more to look forward to where with me its the general routine..how are you types). They never call me and sometimes even when I call and my sister calls on the other line they just cut me off. They can go days without talking to me.
But I get your point and couldnt agree more. I have to accept the fact this is the hand I am dealt with and make peace with it. Also my husband is my biggest blessing and he understands what im going through and has been supportive so far.
I am going to start lookkng for book clubs in my are right away! Thanks a ton

Zxcv · Apr 2, 2018

GeetaKashyap said: ↑

That's life! We have siblings by chance and the sibling rivalry is an accepted truth! Parents invariably encourage or prioritize one kid over the other, thereby sowing the seeds of sibling rivalry. I too go through your emotions often.

In most relationships, jealousy and constant comparisons affect us very badly. We can ignore when outsiders do it and it is very painful when one's own siblings do it or when parents fan such feelings. We have to accept at the earliest that after marriage, our circle of influence changes and we have to focus first on our innermost circle which includes the spouse and kids. Parents and siblings come only after this innermost circle. So stop looking for your sibling's approval, focus more on enriching your family bond and develop more fruitful relationships outside, if possible.

Social media seems to trigger these comparison trips so often. We forget that much of what is flaunted in the media is choreographed, feigned and what not. Instead of asking 'why me', start asking 'why not me?', it will help you to realise your tougher inner self; you are much stronger than you realise. Focus on realising your potential and maximising what life has offered you. Finally, everything happens according to one's Karma; you would be more at peace if you accept Karma and go with the flow.
Click to expand...

You reply is so powerful and deep!! All along I have been yearning for approval from my family and the lonliness and sickness after my marriage made it worse I guess. I have a lot to introspect 'WITHIN"
Inititally it was my job (that i was sitting at home doing nothing and then its I am too selfish and only care about money that I put career before family) I can nver win!
Your are right - social media is so toxic in some ways and that I had to come out of it just to maintain my sanity..
I will def take your advice to heart and try to channelise my thoughts to accept the reality and apply it to the best of my situtaion.

GeetaKashyap · Apr 2, 2018

Zxcv said: ↑

saddest part and I absolutely love my nephews.
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This is one of the biggest mistakes we make. I too loved my nephew so much and I even felt that he was my firstborn. Only later the hard reality dawned on me that they did not share the same intense feelings and they simply had a great time with all my love, attention, pampering and the gifts. He simply grew out of that phase while I am still stuck there and agonize!

Get over these feelings for your own well being. If your heart is full of love, give it to people unconnected with you, so that you won't be hurt by their indifference.

Shreema86 · Apr 2, 2018

Unfortunately we can't change who our family is. Currently as things stand Your sister is indifferent to you. You did your best, now let it go. Accept that the tight bond that usually remains between sisters is not in your destiny. I don't have a sister but I have friends who I am very close to , and they are dearer to me as if they are my own sisters . I have never missed having a sister that way. So my wish for you is to develop close friendships . When I am moved abroad I dint have any close friends nearby for the first few years , but through work,through friends of friends, other activities I made very good friends. Recently a close friend moved to town ,so friends keep adding up.. the tide can change anytime, keep faith and look at the glass half full!