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Feeling Depressed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Lostsmile, Feb 28, 2017.

  1. Lostsmile

    Lostsmile New IL'ite

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    Dear Il,
    Iam a very silent reader of this website... but now I want an apinion.... Iam confused... lost...when I see myself in mirror Iam unable to recognize myself. Iam totally completely lost. My mistake is having a good and soft heart, which was crushed ruthlessly by my Mil.. but yet I don't know why... Iam unable to raise a voice... I feel bad to hurt my husband so I was silent.. but this man never stood up for me in front of his mom.. instead he would say it's his moms opinion but not his, he never said anything.. so I shouldn't feel about what she says. But he simply listens all the ******** she talks about me.

    Yesterday we had a big fight... my mil called my husband and was asking about some chit my husband was paying with the help of my mother. She told that my should be very careful as my mom can cheat him for money... for that I got angry and fought with him... I felt bad and also told this to my mom... for which she felt bad and called my hus and explained him all the details are been noted and she would even think about cheating her son in law.. she told it in even tone.. she didn't say that even angry lo.. but to this he got very very angry... he fought with me again saying it's my fault that I have told this to my mother as the topic should be between me and him.
    He is not eating from yesterday and giving me silent treatments.. but what is my fault.. I just asked him to take a stand atleast. That's it...what is my fault..
     
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  2. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    If this issue is between you and him, why his mother is coming in between? if his mother is coming, why not your mother talk? anyway, leave it aside. Be quiet for some days and observe what he is doing. be pleasant, and see for any changes in him. if u start asking, it wont happen. only few husbands will understand.. not all. I wonder why you are involving ur mother in chit with ur husband. because ur inlaws may see for some loophole to make a problem with this. it is better to end ur chit and not to encourage or engage ur mother in things like these, so that ur inlaws will not have any opportunity to create problems,.
     
    Lostsmile likes this.
  3. Lostsmile

    Lostsmile New IL'ite

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    Thank you Sweety82
    That is exactly Iam asking him.. if his mother is talking nonsense then the matter is just not confined between me and my husband anymore... his mother can say what ever she want.. but I can't tell those things to my mother. The chit will be over in June.. when we are in us.. we asked my mom to pay installments that we send to her account.. she said yes.. but my mil is jealous..every time it happened I was silent... but this time, Iam fed up.. I want my answers.. why it's always me who has to keep my mouth shut.. he is saying that I can choose to ignore it.. but I have chosen to make this issue big...how many times should I ignore... every time she says something in the phone... which will have some kind of influence on my husband.. and he quotes it our fight.. but he won't accept that it's her influence in which he is fighting with me.. he just don't accept his mothers mustake at all..
     
  4. boldnbutiful

    boldnbutiful Silver IL'ite

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    Husbands are greatly influenced by their parents be it mom and dad but they wont accept it bcz fr them its nthg wrong especially if son is staying abroad..they use emotional blackmail and get things done...

    As far as involving ur mom in finance is generally not recommended but it all depends on they dynamics btw u ,u r mom and u r husband...

    Are you working? If nit then strictly d nt involve parents side in financias..as that will trigger lot of issues even at later point in ur life...the scene is entirely different if it was ur hard earned money....

    As far as MIL influencing its very very common bcz only till marriage ILs treat girls parents wd respect after that all the hell breaks loosee...

    So dun b depressed ...
     
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  5. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    You should not have involved your mother in financial matters in the first place. And secondly you should not tell her anything about your conversations with your husband. Men are different, they will always appraise their side with all details. I am not saying this to put you down. But that's the reality. Arguing against your husband will only make you lose your mental peace. From now on don't get into any financial schemes with your side of the family. As far as MIL is concerned, they are usually like that and it is not surprising at all. Do anything but lose your peace of mind.
     
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  6. Lostsmile

    Lostsmile New IL'ite

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    Thank you boldnbutiful yes you are correct... I should not have involved my mother. It's completely my mistake. But this is going to be first and last time Iam involving her... I learnt my lesson..my husband is like a saint.. he doesn't like fighting and loves peace.. he doesn't have any problem with my mother.. but my mil never let him to bond with my mother.. even if she learns that my husband called my mom without calling her, from any body from the extended family.. she burns with jealous and taunts the poor guy to the core.. that is the first reason I don't fight
    Back or say a word back to Mil..
    But atleast he has to give me respect. If he can't accept the fault of his mother... atleast he can ask her not to talk like that or interfere.. he does neither.. and it question my place in his life and heart.. just loving is not enough... what is the use of love when u don't have respect... can't give some respect to me..

    Iam starting to work from this June... second innings after kids... then only I will get some mental peace.
     
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  7. Lostsmile

    Lostsmile New IL'ite

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    Thanks bruised234... I never share anything like that.. we are married for 10 years but never did this once... but when his mom is talking bad... does it still between both of us??? I mean when it's your turn to stand up simply say you violated the basic rule and how convenient is that.. but if your mom does that, from 10 years.. it's not violating???... who is there for me... I can't even share it with my mom.... because this time she is talking about my mom...
     
  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    You have a problem with your MIL. She is a vile creature; I get that. Your husband, while he doesn't stand up for you, is trying to do the right things by you.

    So, you really need to become wise and make sure you don't pick and fight with your husband because of something utterly idiotic his mum says. That only makes your husband resent you.

    Next in this case you seem to have caused "loss of face" as they say for your husband in front of your folks - as he seems to be acting normally and fairly towards them. If he isn't nomal or fair with them, there is absolutely no need for you to cover for him. But when he is being fair, you must be more diplomatic.

    Now, apologise to him - tell him what his mum said wasn't his fault. You understand he trusts your mum and should have let it go. If you share anything with your mum, make sure it doesn't get back to your husband.

    As far as mil is concerned, you need to be smart and learn to deal with her instead of letting her waltz over your feelings
     
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  9. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    I disagree with you.. why shouldnt she have any financial tie ups with her mom??? Esp when it is financially beneficial.. when living away from India, we try to save money or invest through our dear ones in India. Be it girls parents or guys.. without any profit/gain, i am sure her H wouldnt have taken this step...then y cant he defend his own decision?
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If I were in your place I would calmly call up mil in front of husband and ask her what she meant by her statement that your mother could cheat.I would try to do it with utmost respect and control over my tone.

    I wouldn't be able to do it early on in marriage....But 10 years into marriage with two kids....I would do it without any fear.
    This would teach her to mind her business and not take me for granted.

    If husband intervened ,I would ask him to stay out of it as he usually does between Dil and mil.

    Do call up mom and tell her that it had nothing to do with your husband and he greatly respects her.Do it in front of your husband .
     

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