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Feeling Depressed about Jealous relatives, please post your views and comments

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Mylifeatusa, Nov 11, 2013.

  1. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    Lengthy thread please read and reply.

    I Just created a new userID as my old is with my real name and I don't want to create unnecessary issues by posting here.

    Just to tell my back ground, we are a middle class family from India but I and my brother studied very well and settled in good paying jobs.Where as my other cousins(elders from mom and dad side) are studied well and they are living in village and doing some other jobs.

    My younger cousins(My dads youngster brother children) studied well as we did.

    I got an alliance from US settled boy as he is well educated and well behaved even though they don't have much properties and all I decided marry him as he is very hard working professional and Its 5 years we married, we have worked hard here to settle in USA in good jobs, we are well settled now with a Green card and good paying jobs.

    My own brother got a good paying job in India, Me and my brother helped my parent s to construct a good house and bought some jwlry to mom.

    On the other hand my dads younger brother daughter( my cousin sister) got married to Well off family but the guy is did studied well, even though they are rich they don't behave well with anybody, No one heard when I was saying this is not good match for her and blamed us as we are jealous of her match so our family kept quite and marriage happened, soon after 2 weeks they had issues and unfortunately after 6 months my sis committed suicide very unfortunate and I'm still feeling bad about as I love her so much as we raised together.



    Now compared any family in our relatives(Mom side and Dad side) ours is well settled and happy family, even though we are not rich we have good jobs and every one in our family is hard working.

    As I come from a middle class background and I know the probs of not having money for needs some times, I have helped many of relatives when they requested money for their children studies and all,Now my husband went to India before going he called everybody and asked the money as we are planning to buy some property.

    Now he is there from 3 days no one even called him inquire about his journey or some of them living beside my home are not even bothered to wish him it seems.

    After hearing all these I was feeling so bad deep in my heart, as all of them are used to be very close to me over the phone and asking about when are visiting etc.but when he is already there no one even making phone call.

    His own brothers not even come receive him, my brother is the only one went Air port to pick him and my mom n dad are the only ones who is looking after him except few of my moms sisters called him.

    How to behave with these relatives/cousins friends ????? I'm very close to my cousin brother and treat them like my own brothers and helped when they are in need in return they are behaving like this, My DH is not feeling anything as he is very piratical, but I'm feeling so bad. I don't know if they are feeling bad to show their face to him as they have give money or I'm not sure what is the reason for their behavior.


    Please pour your ideas friends.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2013
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  2. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    This is perfect in a way, right?
    Your husband is behaving very sensibly, he is neither miffed at you nor worried about your relatives' neglect, your parents & siblings have been considerate, but the relatives who owe money are staying away.
    Let your husband know that you feel bad for the way your relatives are behaving, fuss over him a bit more than usual if you want, do what little you can to help him get his/your money back and then let it go! Now you know who your dependable relatives are.
    No more irresponsible lending!
    :cheers
     
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  3. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Sanah,

    Thanks for your response, Yes I have to let it go but as I'm very attached to them it is making feel very bad about their behavior.

    My DH generally don't care all these things, he will concentrate only on his stuff which is good.

    Ye decided long back about no more lending:)
     
  4. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    some more suggestions friends???
     
  5. pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

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    You are a kind-hearted person and did your part of being good to others. Now you know the truth. People do not look at you still as a middle-class (but you must be having your basic standards intact). They have 'cashed' on your weakness. Accept this fact. I know it is very damaging to accept this but you are the best person to pacify yourself as you know the people's real faces now.

    Take time to feel the change. Do not rush into conclusions about your own personality like how fool I was, I did not know people's real nature etc. Such situations have to be handled with utmost care. You are not at fault here so do not punish yourself. Let this incident be an eye-opener to you.

    Now that you have decided not to lend anymore, be prepared at the same time to hear (this is just a possibility) that you no longer care for your folks and have forgotten values of relationships OR money has made you change. Infact people have changed and not you.

    In weak moments, we tend to believe what people say and damage our own self-esteem. This has happened to me so Im cautioning you from my own experience.

    Also when your hubby returns do not post-mortem about this issue anymore or try to get his sympathy. He seems to be a nice person. Do not let this incident disturb your smooth relationship.

    Deal with this single handedly which Im sure you are capable of and come back with more self-confidence than before.

    Take care of yourself.
     
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  6. TheAlchemist

    TheAlchemist Silver IL'ite

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    My :my2cents, maybe I am wrong here but you seem to be the same one who posted few days ago about a chit that you lifted and your cousin not picking up the phone after taking the money. You don't need to confirm here if you are the same or not ;-)However, just saying that if you are the same then what jumped to me from both the posts was that, more than the loss of money and what's happening to DH, your challenge is believing the fact that a cousin bro who you thought was so close to you and whom you believed turned out otherwise. All of us have our own blind spots. Looks like this one is yours. Once you accept the fact that "all that shines isn't gold" OR "all that is white is not milk" the rest will fall in place automatically. This is normal, its part of growing-up and you had this first experience now. Perhaps, if this came much latter, the numbers would be much higher. Time to Let go !!! and Move on !!! Otherwise, you will try to maintain the status-quo and next time it will be worse. Sorry for sounding critical but going by the facts presented this is what I believe.
     
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  7. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Pman and Chemist, Thank you both for your suggestions.

    What you guys said is right, I have never had any of these kind of experiences people used to be so so close with me share everything etc, all of a sudden everything turned around and no one cares about anything and don't talk properly when I call them etc.

    As Chemist said, I'm not feeling bad about money they owe me but because of their nature I'm feeling very depressed, As I already lost my dear sister(cousin same age) last year with whom I was very close, we stayed in the same hostel for years, with whom I shared my cloths, that too after spending 1 month with her in my home in my last India trip, we celebrated Dasara, diwali together, she committed suicide 15 days after I'm back to USA at the same time last year because of the silly reason that her DH i snot picking phone. I'm trying to come out of it slowly.

    I'm seeing such a weird behavior from people, they owe money they will tell all lies and they will cut the relation just like that too much.

    And this year these guys are doing like this with out any reason, I have not celebrated diwali this year as I'm over whelmed with my sister memories.

    I'm feeling slowly I will have only my family to share anything.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2013
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  8. TheAlchemist

    TheAlchemist Silver IL'ite

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    Sharing this real life incident, just in case it helps, there was a time when I was in the exact similar position but with a friend. After several follow-ups over phone and their (2 brothers, younger brother owed money that elder brother promised to repay) promising to pay but not paying I just landed at their house with the intention to leave only after I collected my amount come what may. However, when I reached and saw the situation in which they were living I myself felt if it was fair for me to expect them to repay when God has given me so much. I didn't want to embarrass them further so I told them they can repay when they were back in good times (thinking in my mind that I will not get the amount). Now they are thriving and I talk to them once in a while but neither do they mention about the dues nor do I ask. May not be so in your case but in my case, at that moment, in their living room, it hit me hard that I was so wrong when I believed that they had the money but just didn't want to repay me. They had so many problems already which I was not just aware of. Even now when I see them thriving I am happy to see they somehow came back.

    and IL ;-). On a more serious note, you never know, they might be fighting their own battles. Once they get past their issues, they might come back and if they do your relationship will be in a totally different level than it was earlier. Let's hope :thumbsup
     
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  9. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Alchemist,

    I'm OK people are not repaying because they can't pay, but my relatives are leading considerably good life except one who are poor and I'm not asking money back from them, they are just holding our money as we are abroad and its interest free loan.

    On top of it their weird behavior irritates me and they are bad mouthing about my parents that they got lucky and got USA Son -In-Law so leading happy life with free money etc, In reality me and my brother working very hard and helping our parents.Even my dad works hard every day and don't even take rest one day.

    Of course IL become is my second family with whom I can share everything happily, that's why created new ID:) .
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2013
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  10. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    Usually, cousins grow apart due to the same reasons you mentioned. Some become financially successful and some don't. That's why people form new social circle with friends that are in the same financial league.

    There is nothing you can do to change their attitude towards you. When people themselves are struggling with their day to day problems, it takes a large heart to be cordial with close relatives that don't have similar problems. It is the way nature intends it to be.

    Relax. You seem to quite successful in life too. Enjoy.
     
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