Feel Like Dh Is Being Used

Have you spoken to your husband about this? I think you need to share your concerns with him and make him understand that both you and him are being used. According to your account, both his parents and his brother and sister-in-law are uninterested in your life. It is you (i.e. you as a couple) who is unnecessarily going after them. Of course, they shall have no problems taking your free seva. I too would take free seva if somebody was ready to give it to me.

So, start by talking to him. See what he says. Then gradually, stop providing free seva at least from your side. Don't speak to your co-sister. Don't speak to your husband's parents. If they visit, don't cook. If you visit, don't cook. Start taking small steps and gradually wean yourself away from them. But, talking to your husband is the start of breaking free from the toxic situation that you find yourself in.

 

I am sorry to hear that because he seems like a decent chap otherwise. It is nice to hear that you actually like your in-laws and want to continue to have a relationship with them despite their treatment of you. I am not sure you can get through to him if he starts shouting at the very mention of the problem. I suppose the modern solution would be couples counselling where both of you can air your grievances openly in front of a psychologist or counsellor. Being a traditional fellow, he may not agree to that. Is there somebody in your family who could speak to him on your behalf?

Try to bring up the matter gently and softly. If that doesn't work; speak through your action and stop doing free seva. Apart from that, I don't think I have any suggestions.

 

Just start treating them the same way as they are treating you.....Begin with talking it out with your DH...tell him you feel insulted....be polite and yet firm that enough is enough..they are taking you for granted....its not a good behaviour he is putting out for your toddler....we will get importance and respect up until the point we are not allowing ourselves being used....your DH attitude to them has made them think he will always be there and that we dont need to return the basic courtesies...it is basic human nature....
for eg..in our family, we had cousin bhabhi who used to go extra mile doing household, kitchen work whenever she used to go to other family members home, everyone would be happy she is here (to work)..she was v nice..but she was taken for granted....finally my cousing bro (her DH) realized it and started changing this...it was only after this, that people realized her importance.....

just dont do things that you dont get in return....dont keep a hard check on it but gradually start not-doing stuff....hope things are not bad in terms of finances.....the scariest part for a wife is when her DH allows one-way cash flows without thinking about kids.....

 

People who are weak, scream and get angry...maybe your DH is weak internally, or not having the confidence to say NO to his family..sorry to hear this...my DH is like that sometimes and it leads to a lot of arguments to finally get my point conveyed to him....he needs to bolden himself up.....you need to talk to him, there will be lots of arguments but you need to have these for your future....sort this thing right now and nip it in the bud.....

 

Op,you can't do anything if your husband does not mind being used.
You can only stop yourself from being used. That will help you have peace of mind and not become bitter.

1) when you go to India...don't rush into the kitchen .Let them do whatever they want to do. If they want to eat from outside,bear with it. How long will they do it ?If they expect you to cook...just go to your room and rest or go shopping.

If husband asks you to go to the kitchen and cook...tell him it is your holiday and break too.
If someone is cooking...you can help a bit on the side.

2) When people come to your place...after the first few days ,do what you normally do fir your family.
At the most,add a desert.

3)Your husband can keep checking on them and informing them about his life,may be that gives him happiness and peace.If you don't want to...that should be your choice.

4) Invest well for your self and your family . Buy things that you want to buy for yourself and family .Don,'t deny yourself a good life at the expense of giving extended family a good life.

 

It'll be hard for you to step back unless your husband is willing too.
I can kind of see his point, he obviously loves his family and tries very hard to connect with them. It's sad that they do not reciprocate with the same care. From your post, it sounds like your husband is lonely. Does he have friends or other interests?
You are correct in the way you behave when they come to your house, guests should be treated with respect and ideally, they should respect your home by helping out. However, if this is consistently not happening, then perhaps it's time to step back. Stop going the extra mile, stop cooking elaborate meals and waiting on them hand and foot.
Your husband may notice and call you out on this but that is the time when you stand up for yourself and say you are not comfortable with the way things are going. If he starts shouting, walk away. You can't change his mind but you can certainly control your own interactions with the rest of the family in a way that does not stress you out.

 

OP, Your husband is a nice and generous person, doing things without expectation. I don't think you should discourage him from this, as its his parents. Since your relationship is good, overlook these issues, and maintain peace. Be polite and maintain your distance from things that seem unfair.