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Family Friends Terminated Relationship And I Am Confused How To Deal

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 7, 2019.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    this might be a long post so i apologize in advance.
    We have young couple here in US that lives next city and back in india their parents are my parents neighbours and also knew from long back. After they(family in india) found out ( from my parents) we live in same state, couple was quick to make friends with us. There are not many people from my place in this city and that too so close neighbors in town was coincidence.
    They would invite us a lot and cook/feed us a lot and attend most of events we do and help out in cooking/ cleaning everything and wife and i liked each other a lot. Boy used to treat me as a sister ( from same town) and literally do things as a brother. His wife really cared for my older one.
    Now my H seriously has personality issues and get hyper a lot and that too under high pressure, parties where people come. When you calling people to come and help out, they going to come and help out and some things they do their own way.
    Actually my H also liked his wife a lot, actually she us very good. Boy is really oversmart (but thats okay as long as they are good to you , not harming you).
    So we visit India a lot and every time we port lot of expensive + precious metals stuff from both sides for them, inspite of pointing out in the beginning to not to give jewellary (diamonds/gold).

    So one bday party, my H really shouted at them. I asked them to arrange tables etc and I asked to do in certain way my H did not want. My H started shouting why did that, i have been to 100 parties, i know how to arrange stuff, then guy had thrown some unnecessary bags to trash, my H was looking for them after party to put in stuff and again was not happy. 99% my H fault, i know my H. He will not shout at his older brother or some other friends because he knows they will shout back. He did at them, because he treated them as kids and relatives. I anyways bear the brunt of my H, thats another story.
    Also, My mother was here because we had 2nd baby. They had invited us 1-2 times but it was getting cancelling and one time i did not remember at all that we had vacation booked. Come on, i just had baby and had gone back to work.. life was still not stable,,...then me and H was already having issues.

    Suddenly after 1 month, i tried to contact them, and mother was going back, so asking if want to send stuff, etc, they did not response for even 100 calls. I tried whtspp/internet/ facebook everything and we were thinking to go and visit them if everything is okay, suddenly realized they have blocked us. My mother was here . We retrospected and realized why. We could not sleep for week and literally wanted to go and clear. My H does not care. After that, things got harder for me, mother left, kids were sick all the time... and i was struggling in my own life.

    Now, again my wounds are raw. His mother is coming to US. My mother in india went to meet them since she was keeping sick. So found out she is coming to US and told i won't be able to go and meet your daughter because of short term visit ( blah blah ..). I know the boy and he must have told everything to his mom. I was in talking with his mom also. I used to visit them, anyways exchanging stuff.
    Now I feel bad why this guy blocked us, he could have stopped taking calls, cut down, told us we are busy blah blah, instead of block which means terminating the relations. It clear insult probably in response to my H's way thay thought of insult.

    My H actually used to like them and this last party.i did not want to invite them for a bday party (because its kids party, it was in meseum, they are young couple, it feel inappropriate/ boring for them), my H said, we can not have party without them, as they come in all.

    Last year was very busy for me ( before this incident happended ) and relationship had slowed down. I had trouble with H and i had my parents here then new job struggle and then pregnant so i was not able to keep upto it. Inspite of them calling once twice. They felt we have some grievance but it was that i was already in stress. I told them many times, its nothing, just that i was busy.
    Please hear me out and what are your thoughts. Should i go and try to sort out? My H will not go. it will be just me. Then his mom will be here soon. ITs awkward situation i am in. Not visiting her is also an insult and going to their home when she is there and then dealing with this.
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes. Go and sort.
    Then report back on what happened.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    This was really bad. Your husband really insulted them. You too just kept quiet.
    They only tried to help you.
    How would you feel if it had happened to your family by a friend??
    You can go to their house and try to patch up.
    Will your H change his attitude first??
    What if it happens again.??
    You have lost a good family friends
     
  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmm..Your dh should not have yelled at them.They would have felt insulted.you probably kept quiet coz you might have been in shock or embarrassed or scared of your dh I assume.

    Well..two things..

    1) your dh should reach out to that guy somehow and sort it out if you guys really need that relationship.

    2) You can talk to your parents and ask them to talk to that boy’s mother.Then you can go or invite the mother home and make amends..They might not get too close but of course situation will be more Amicable.

    Also..slowly let your dh know his anger is not correct and definitely showing it in other people like that.It affects you too.He needs to know this.

    I know you feel affected here but everything will get sorted out..Just try to reach out to that boy’s mother through your parents.
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    It is obvious the problem here. if you want to get with them again, you will have to do it together with your H. There is no other way acceptable to me if I was the one who got the yelling. Personally, I have problems with the people who yells. I will need a lot of time to get back with them if I want to. Did your husband apologize for yelling?

    Also, yelling might not be the only reason. They were cancelled by you couple times and were not communicated clearly about cancellation (I think). Yes, you have your reasons, but again, any relationship communication is the key, whether you do things together or separate. I tell no for a few events/get togethers in a row, I try to invite the friends asap and make sure it is a time they can make it to the event so that I can make up for the missed events. If your H doesn't want to reconcile with them won't it be awkward for you to go to them? I don't know, I could be reading between lines.
     
    Twinkel and yellowmango like this.
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Let it go.
    Let them make other friends where they will not be taken for granted.
    They are young, no kids,it is their time to make similar friends and enjoy .

    If your husband neither repents nor wants to go and try and make up, why do you want them to be friends and put them in the line of fire again.

    They are neither kids nor your husband's relatives. If he won't treat his seniors or elders like this for fear of getting it back from them...then he is just a bully.

    Leave it op....let them go .
    Prevent future problems by letting this go.

    If the lady is fine with being friends with you,you could go for a ladies day out or for shopping with her but if your husband is not interested in making an effort to get back....then you should forget about family get togethers.
     
  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband is the over smart one. He is a bully. Only paid helpers will do work as you want.
    In USA, even paid ones can't be yelled at.
     
  8. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    You should have apologized then and there at the party , after party hours
    After one month, it's kinda long and anyone with self confidence will cut ties. They have every right.
    They came to help and got yelled? Common. If
    it's my brother I would not talk until he apologizes and not repeat the same.
    Better ask apologize and have a formal relationship, where your husband isn't involved.
    Make sure they don't get hurt another time.
    Tell your husband he can't shout at your side of people be it friends or family.

    Many men do that, excercise all leverage with wife's side. Take them for granted.
     
    sindmani, Topaz49, sbonigala and 3 others like this.
  9. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Stopped reading after this point. If someone calls me home and yells at me when I am helping them, thats it for me. I would not bother to maintain any ties with them. I think you should maintain friendships individually , forget couple friends.
     
  10. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    I hear everyone and i accept my H is 99.9 % wrong. I am not giving 0.1% because as good friends or as brother he could have ignored taking that he is yelling out of host stress + stress of being new dad and trying to take care of many things.

    Btw, I was quiet bcos my H was yelling at me along with them. Probably he was yelling because i was there getting tables arranged this way that way and H did not want that way. Me and those friends thought the other way. I did not feel that his yelling is going to create this issue. He did that many times to me. When we started contacting back, we did not realize it is because of that. Now I feel and my H too, that he was too loud. My H has his ego stopping to apologize. Because they are from my side, i think he took liberty to yell. He won'nt do it at his people or friends.

    My H has anger issues. I almost booked marriage counsellor for him. He had me put on depression pills. I was almost suicidal with this guy..we fought badly in hospital we gave birth, then next day we came home . He had me look for hotel for week or so he had that much of anger.. it could be because my mother was here and he felt pressure. Once she left and also my daughter started showing same signs, he realized and started cooling off. Whole pregnancy he made me cry and every simple discussion will be shouting with him.
    Now I do not talk with him much.
    He knows he has issues.

    No, after 1 month... no. We did not even realize thet are mad or so. After 1 month, I tried to reach them, then again later it was his bday so i was calling to wish,...then tried different times....then slowly we realized they are mad, still i could not believe until we all at home at together and H agreed he feels he shouting could be reason.

     

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