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Extremely worried about my younger brother...

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by smartgirl, May 6, 2013.

  1. smartgirl

    smartgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello dear ILites,

    Yet again, I am knocking the IL door to help me pick myself up and help my younger brother.
    My brother is around 4.5 yrs younger to me. He has not completed his 2nd puc.
    He is working in a retail chain as Sales executive.
    As growing kids we were always taught about dignity of labour at home. No job is small or big are one of lessons, Appaji always taught us.
    I have no problem of my bro working as a sales executive, however, I want him to make a good life for him self and be independant. What he earns today is hardly enoght for him to sustain. HE needs my constant support financially. Ofcourse, I have no probs in a helping the only brother I have and the only one left in my family (after mom n dad, they are no more physically since 5years (dad) and 13 years(mom) ).
    I empathise with him, for I am in a same pool of losing parents however he lost them at 4.5 years younger to me. Ofcourse, things would have affected him differently. But is is no excuse to not complete his education. I am married since 2.11 months and things are even complicated at mind now. I am not comfortable sharing every minute details about bro with DH. Yes, my DH is a gentleman, but no gentleman can replace parents. I don't expect anyone to forgive us selflesly, hence I am afraid of the perceptions created in their minds and the treament we receive because of their perceptions. Hence I am afraid to discuss, becoz sometimes I don't agree with the suggestions suggested by DH and that would lead misunderstandings among us.
    Bt everybody knows my bro has not completed his eduction and has been trying to complete it, however, they don't leave a chance to ask him in the gatherings about what happened to results.some of them may be concerned and some of them want to make fun.Well, thats hard to gauge and its better off not to gague their thoughts.
    Today, Inspite on n number of attempts (4-5 years and supplementary), he has failed to clear his 2nd PUC. I am so upset, deppressed. He always says, I did my best. But I fail to understand, how can he get single digits if all subjects? and my bro is not dumb, he is quiet smart. I don't understand what the problem.
    I ahve talked with him, n number of times. Explained to him, shared with him the consequences of not completing the education, offered him help to study. But nothing has helped so far. He always wants to do it by himself and he always promises me to clear it this time.He says he will never let my aprents down and me down,he understand the avlue of eduction, he is capable of doing it, he will do his best, after exams he is very very confident he will clear, bt when results are out he gets single digit and he jus says..Sorry-I did my best like always.
    How do I take this? Not able to understand whats happening? How can someone not clear with so many attempts. I know he is not dumb, My dad had taken him for counselling and the doc said, he is smart but lazy thats the only prob.He can pick up things quickly. According to doc, there is no problem for him to study unless if he wants to.
    When asked him about studies, he always says..yeah, i want to complete and get a degree. How with 2dn puc FAIl , who will give him degree? I don't know what to do..how to treat this situation.
    AM so worried about his future. We may have examples to uneducated people making it big, but assuming that we cant ignore the opportunities. He says he will contibue working in the same field, and he knows without a degree, he can maximum be a Senior sales executive. Its not designation but, from here future is so dark.and in a country like India, ppl don't treat you well if you do odd jobs. and I feel bad, I can't explain it to my heart that I can't buy him respect. Its my love for him and love is blind. I want him to earn a descent repectable life for him and make a bright and happy future.
    I have offered him all the possible help I can think of.He wants to study himself and pass, but like this??am so upset and worried..
    Worried
    Smartgirl
     
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  2. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    'He is smart but lazy' is another way of saying 'I don't know how to identify the problem. Let me pass the buck and blame it on this individual's laziness.'
    There may be several reasons for your brother's inability to pass the exams...perhaps there is an element of laziness in how he prepares for the exams, but that alone doesn't explain his poor marks.

    If he has appeared for his exams multiple times, can he take a break for a year or so? Is there something else he would really like to do...besides the sales rep job? Can he dabble in his interests and find out what appeals to him? Perhaps identifying his passion will help with motivation to learn more. That can help him prepare for his exams.

    May I give you another perspective? If he doesn't clear his exams,it is ok! He is your younger brother, right? Let him explore and find other means of work. Just because he is a sales rep now doesn't mean he has to follow only that path in his career. As long as he doesn't have any other responsibilities he has the freedom to try new things. People will talk...do you think they will stop talking after he clears the exams? No! In all probability it will turn into, 'do you know how many times he failed? But my child did...' Or 'I did such a good job with my child but his parents did...'

    Getting a degree is very good indeed but it doesn't have to be the only measure of his intellectual ability. Continue to support him and encourage him to learn new skills. You never know-he might turn out to outshine everyone else in your circle.
     
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  3. Sweetgirl123

    Sweetgirl123 Silver IL'ite

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    It seems the problem is he is not making enough money in his job right now to support himself. Will that change with a degree? Actually working full time and studying is quite frusterating for some people. Never have enough time for anything. Does your brother want a degree? In what area does he want it? Where does he sees himself in 5 years? Does he have a long term goal in life and does he have a short term goal? About the exams, just saying sorry i did my best isnt going to work. He needs to look at the mistakes he did and most important why he did them and instead of asking why did u fail, ask how can you improve? What can u do differenlty; anyway sounds like you are doing most of talking (lecturing) and he is just telling you what you want to hear. Maybe you should change that approach.
     
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  4. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    You mentioned that he got single digit marks. But was very confident that he would clear the subject. That shows that he has some trouble evaluating his own performance. He needs help here.

    If getting a degree is a must, then he can opt for tuitions where there will be some form of structure and periodic evaluation of his performance.

    Btw, how is he as a sales executive?

    Don't reject your husband's points blindly. May be he is seeing things more clearly than you.

    You are a good sister.
     
  5. DoesntMatter

    DoesntMatter Silver IL'ite

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    Hello SmartGirl,

    I think you are an amazing sister and it is natural to split your hair over this. But if he does his best and still fails, i think he is probably genuinely helpless. I understand his plight because I have gone through some serious troubles with my education, and it totally humiliates you when people keep nagging you especially in public gatherings. The Indian society is so messed up, some people want to get kicks out of putting you down for your misfortunes and apparent 'status'. So the best you can do is to continue doing what you are doing and NOT expect anything but RESPONSIBILITY in return. He should know that he has a caring and kind sister, but he should also know that he cannot take advantage of it and be a lazy bum. As far as he is doing his best, there is no reason to worry. He might not succeed at his 10th shot, but he will at his 20th or 50th. You can never tell how ones life turns around- you definitely dont need a degree to succcees in life personally or financially. Keep telling him this and make him more confident about himself; feed him with hopes and positivity.

    Now as far as you are concerned, you should not take up on his problems as your own. It will harm your happiness and wellbeing. Like you already said, you cannot buy or create his success, only he can. Ultimately, he is responsible for his own life, and some day you have to let him go. So relax, and dont let your thoughts go out of control. I am glad your DH does not give you additional troubles and is understanding about your and your brothers feelings. So dont overthink and make this issue the centre of your life. Your first priority should not be your brother or parents or even your Husband- it should be you yourself. Best of luck!
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2013
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Your brother needs counselling to get over the fear of failing at 2nd PU.
    I had a room mate who failed in 12th for 3 consecutive years... and somehow managed to pass later... and then joined us for her graduation .. when girls of her age have completed theirs. She did well in graduation which was not CORE science and maths.

    He probably goes blank after getting into the exam center... he needs a good counselling and psychiatric help to get over with his hidden fears, impact of loss of parents and esp mother and failures in exams. It shall assist him in clearing current and future hurdles in life.
     
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  7. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Smartgirl
    just a few suggestions.. if you think he has an aptitude in a certain area then why not try polytechinics you need to be only 10th grade pass .. he can pick up a skill and get a diploma for it?.. there is a polytechnic course for almost all fields now available..with the diploma he can then be a technician or assistant in any sphere and then apply for degree after 5 years of expierence or do a bridge course or he can try apprenticeship with some skill like sculpture/ artist etc and take up the field.
    K
     
  8. smartgirl

    smartgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Ilites,

    Thank you so much for pouring in those words of hope and support. Though things can't be changed, bt it does make a difference to me.
    May be I need to elaborate more, after my mom in 2000, appaji got married with hope of support to us in 2001. After appaji (2008), alsmost a year later after my wedding in 2010, aunty (2nd wife of dad) and my bro got seperated. They did not want to stay together, at any cost. and yes the jouney after mom has been terrible for all of us for various reasons.Yes , my bro and me have been thru a shattering experience.Speaically after appaji.Emotionally, I was numb as a newly wed. confused, if I was to enjoy the new life when there was a fight in the family and to know my bro was to be left alone.However, at this point I am not worried abt what I went thru.
    I understand that this may have hurt my bro harder, for he has lost things much earlier than me. I was wise enough to stand strong and not fall, well he was a puppet in aunty's hands until he realised it in 2010.
    Since then, he has always been on a strong side of my mind. Becoa , now I knew, its only me who is worried abt him. I cannot be his parents, bt of course I can care for him a lil more than I would have cared if my parents were in physical form.
    The way he was then (discontinued diploma,confused, take things lightly, no seriousness,playful), the best way to teach him the harder side of life was to ask him to earn his own money. It was becoz, inspite of the fall he had, he was not ready to adjust in PG(he was not worried abt budget), he wanted to live comfortably, independently,he wanted to stay alone.nHe assured us he would make it from here and he needed our support. I could insist him to stay with me, as we were newly wed then and we stayed in a small house. Its not only abt privacy I was worried, my bro was still struggling to study, adamant, and in this condition if he stayed with us , I was scared my DH will develop a wrong impression and things would become more tuff. Also this was all so unexpected.
    He wanted to stay alone, and we supported hi decision (he was 21 then). May be all guys are the same at that age, bt he had to grow up becoz his life was not like all boys. He had to understand his responsibities.
    Even now, am happy that he is not dependant on anyone (of course he need a lil support financially from me, which am more tha happy to do. I am not worried abt spending for him, all am worried is to make his future bright. I have suggested him to take up CCNA course, and he says he is not interested. Actually, most of the things I suggest he is not interested. When asked him what plans he has, he says, I will grow up in the same field in my way. When asked for explanation , he says sachin tendulkar, ambani, etc, are all not completely educated, so don't compare me with others. may be he is true, bt as a sister I am worried abt his future. I can scold him today, bt at the end of the day, I still care for him and cant't get him out of mind.
    Guys..am honest, when I go to a expensive hotel and buy some dish, buy some nice clothes for myself, the first thing that comes on mind is , My bro will not be able to afford this comfort. Yeah, life is not abt expensive things, bt we all want to live quality life. So does he, I know him, he wants big things. bt with this pace of growth and effort when will he make it?
    Do you feel I am pressurizing him? I know and believe in dignity of labor, bt am worried that he will be the scapegoat among ppl today. Tommorow, I can't see from today, and I am worried abt his today :(
    Yesterday , I was rude (becoz my soft words have not tocuhed him, have been telling him since 4 yrs) and strictly told him u have to take crash tutions and attempt supplimentary. He was adamant, and says he does not like to attend tutions, and he will clear it. When asked how? he says ..leave it to me,thats all I can say.He is doing well in his current job, bt you know the society in India, hard work takes u no where most of the times.its smart work that counts. Even labor class works hard to build house, bt what is their future? Yes he is good in his job, bt to climb the ladder, no doubt education is required. If I have 2 ppl to be promoted, I wo
    I have explained him every possible way I can think of like..With a low profile personality and job he may not be able to impress a girl , you have so many aspirations (buying a bike, good clothes) you will not be able to achieve them wwith out effort in right direction. Yes , you are working and earning your food, bt look at the future from here, does it look bright? If you are interested in same domain, I have no probs, bt with a degree , you will reach heights faster in the same line.otherwise it MAY take ages and not guaranteed. World is very competitive, when we are young , with friends life seems to be smooth n easy, bt as n when your friends(who are working in a good firm and are educated) have more responsibilities, they will leave u behind and u will then repent for it.
    But nothing has changed him so far...he says he wants to grow in the same field and he will do it. I am worried if he can really. Even his friend suggest him to work hard and complete it , things would be smoother for him.
    Today, I spoke to a relative of mine, and she enquired me abt my bro's results. When I told her he did not make it..she was like oh..really? Don't know when that fellow will understanhd, my son was calling him so many times to explain him and convince him to clear his papers and he did not pick the phone, I have asked him to come over to my place so that I can advice him he always has reasons, anyways leave him..etc..:( it hurts to listen what the so called relatives have to think of my bro.and am tongue tied and am bound to listen to them.I dont like to hear anything bad abt my bro, yeah he might not be the best, bt to me he is my only younger bro and I love him.
    its like hot ghee, cant give up on him, cant back him up :( not for others, bt for his own bright future he should work hard(which he is currently), but in the right direction
    Confused,worried
    Smartgirl
     
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  9. smartgirl

    smartgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Also, he himself wanted to work and continue studying. I have suugested him that if he wants to quit job and work I will support him, bt he wants to work and continue studies.May be its hard,bt It was not forced on him.his choice.
    He says he understand that he needs a degree to step up, bt his efforts are no leading towards fetching it. what do I do??

    Prayers
    Smartgirl
     
  10. smartgirl

    smartgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    and dear ILites..
    one more thing is worrying me..My bro sometimes asks me to buy things for him as he is not sound financially. I have no probs with it bt at times I feel, am I doing right by helping him this way? or it should be okay as he needs my support. I am very confused sometimes, and and I have no one to suggest me guide me :( If I discuss with others, they all have their opinions and judge my bro according to their perception and this is very disturbing to me.
    Recently, he wanted to buy a phone as his phone was totally worn out. I asked him his choice and he had a phone with a range of 15k. I suggested him to buy it with in 10k as that was my budget. He said he has saved 5k and it is for this phone that he has saved, and he needs my help to buy. I told him you can save the 5k for ur future use and buy a phone for 10k(Which I would sponsor), he was not okay with it,and insisted that he is keen to buy that 15k phone.He said its okay if its exceeding my budget or am not willing to spend so much, he will save more and buy it sometime later. When he says something like this..I feel bad, I am the only one left for him to buy things.Usually kids demand for things from parents and he has lost that chance, no one in this world is worried if he wants a new phone.and even if I reject his wish, he would feel dejected. and I end up buying. He never demanded,bt even if i reject buying for him(which is not daily), I woulod be rude to him and he would feel lonely. Bt at times I feel, when I help him buy things out of his budget, I am indirectly conveying him that I am there to help him when he cant afford, bt thats dont good in a long run. I dont want him to make this as a habbit. Ofcourse i am there to help him all my life, bt not spoil him or misguide him.
    How do I deal this?
     
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