emotional torture by husband

sadmom · Sep 30, 2010

I feel a bit embarassed to post , but after reading some of the threads, I'm thinking I may actually feel a little better sharing my issues...

Married for last 8 years now and I have two little boys.
I dont know if we were ever a very happily married couple, always seemed to have issues that got resolved just because used the forgive and forget approach. But as days are passing, it is getting difficult for me to either forgive or forget....

Both of us work but husband is lazy, does absolutely nothing for me, kids or the house. He wakes up, takes bath and leaves for work. I end up getting the kids ready, making sure they ate breakfast, drop them to school, day care etc. I come back from work, cook dinner, play with the kids, do laundry clean the house etc etc. I complain every now and then but hes the same old lazy person.

In-laws keep coming to visit now and then and while they keep asking me to do hundreds of things , they never ever ask him to do even one single thing at home, instead MIL is ironing his clothes, cleaning his cupboard and complaining that I dont iron his clothes.

DH uses very abusive language and inspite of everything still blames me for everything. If I forget to pay the bill he critizes me , where as he never pays any bills himself.

Kids are definitely taking a hit by this, its almost as if this is a single mom thing, everything I have to do. My older one doesnt even talk properly to his dad, i think hes scared of him.

Anyways, this has been going on for a while and now its just getting worse. DH is in a friend circle where they drink everyweek and enjoy. hes wasting all the money on friends, booze, etc. he comes home late during weekends , sometimes all night hes gone.

in couple of fights he has hit me also. I have threatened that once again if he abuses me i will call the police.
We are not really in talking terms but simply talk to each other only if hes regarding the children or so...

I feel there is no use for this type of marriage...but I dont know where to go from here. If we separate it will simply make my kids unhappy as they will have to grow up in school knowing parents have divorced. Also my mother and father will perpectually be depressed so I'm hiding all this from them...

I dont know what to do...I sometimes cannot bear the thought of even sharing the same bed with him....Whenever I think of him I remember his abuses and not any nice things...

rose8282 · Sep 30, 2010

Dear sadmom,
How is your equation with your husband otherwise.is he just lazy or refuses to take care of home expenses too?how much of input is there from his side monetarily,emotionally ?did you both plan for kids?some of these questions can help us understand your hubby better.

Mothers/old generation people are usually of the thought that men should not do any household work...so it is a sheer waste of time to think why she does not ask your hubby to help with household chores. men are brought up in this way...so it is actually a blessing if men help us in day to day work.so don't expect much from your mil.

If your equation with husband is good normally,try to talk to him..give him minor jobs to do in the beginning.I think it solely depends on husbands attitude to help you.unless he gets the drive to do so...it's really difficult.anyways,just start off by not ironing his clothes,or asking him to put clothes in the bin,watch over the child for an hour etc.

Try to talk to your dh's friends wives...how they manage to stay without their husbands...since all of them must be together for the whole weekend.

If the conditions persist,it would affect your children anyways even though you both are not separated.children need a good home environment...they know when things are not right.maybe you both could go for counseling.I haven't offered any solution... Other IL'ites can perhaps give you better advice.

aparnaram · Sep 30, 2010

im really feeling bad for ur sitation.. sorry dear... i think u guyz need some mental relaxation vch may give u some mind glow... so during this upcoming seasons u plan for some trip n u go alone with ur DH (or with ur kids).. n speak out things personally.. i think u'll feel bit better by this trip after long time...

its in r hand 2 change r DH.. u true love n affection will definitely change his character.. its easy 2 advice but hard 2 follow... else as rose said ur kids will b spoiled in future.. so plz plan 4 a peaceful trip n enjoy..

will pray 2 GOD 4 ur happiness...

sadwife · Sep 30, 2010

hi sadmom,

have you had heart to heart talk with your husband?
tell him how you have been feeling all these while and what you actually expect from him. but do not accuse him for anything. stay calm and explain to him in a loving manner.

don't expect him to change over night.
take one thing at a time.
ask for his help, "darling, can you please iron your shirt today?"
"honey, can you please drop the kids at the day care centre?"
eventually he'll learn to help you.

you can't stop him from spending time with his friends but try to put a limit for it.
tell him you wish to spend more time with him on weekends since you both work on weekdays.
tell him your kids need his time and attention too.
plan exciting activities on weekends so that he'll have less time or no time at all for his friends.

make him understand that your kids need happy and loving parents.
they need a healthy environment to grow up to be a happy and successful individuals.

don't stop showing your care and love.
all the best.
patience will finally pay off. :thumbsup

reverie · Sep 30, 2010

Whatever you do, don't use the D word.You are in better shape than most women.Whatever you do, don't use the D word

Was he like this before marriage?Was he like this before you had kids...Has he ever been nice? What is his parents' opinion of him...Is your MIL friendly with you?

sadmom · Oct 1, 2010

He was much better than this, he would help me in a lot of ways, but now hes full time in front of tv and laptop. prior to this I didnt feel the pressure because I didnt have kids and I didnt have this much work either. Now with two kids I have so much things to do and hes not contributing.
I'm sad not because hes not helping, but because he doesnt even appreciate what I do for him or the kids.
he still complains that this is not ok and that is not ok.
I have tried so many times to tell him in a very nice and loving manner but he will do it that one time, but not again. if i'm ill he doesnt even think about feeding the children something ...he will tell them go ask your mom.
Once I was ill and I told him there is no way I can cook or even get up from bed and he took my temperature, it was 101, he said 101 is not even fever. you are ok , you dont have to rest.
I'm frustrated because he spends time on his laptop playing video games ...
Sometimes when I compell him to help the kids with homework or something, he removes his anger on them and in 10 minutes I have the kids crying and they dont want to go to him for anything.
When I tell him how tired I'm of his behaviour he says take your kids and go back to india.
I have a high paying job and I'm well respected at my work place, well loved and respected in community, and so far I have never let even a friend of mine know how frustrated I'm wiht my own life.
Everyone thinks I'm one of those lucky women who have a perfect life.
Sometimes I think I shouldnt hide these things from others...

I think my in-laws know the situation but they dont want to tell him anything. My MIL was a stay at home mom and she has no idea how hard it is to work 8 hours in office and then 10 hours at home. She keeps saying you just sit and type on computer at your office, how can that be so tiring??

I do know, I'm waiting for some miracle to happen and change my life...

Priya16 · Oct 1, 2010

He was much better than this, he would help me in a lot of ways
Click to expand...

Do you know why he has changed or when did he changed?

priyaluvsbaby · Oct 1, 2010

aaww..<hugs>...
As others said you are not in a very bad situation here...Looks like he is kind of lazy and take you for granted...which is not uncommon after many years of marriage..

I suggest plan for a vacation and rejuvenate yourself as a family...I am not sure how much is your energy level at the end of the day assuming that you do all the chores which is really great from your side...But still I think it will be ok with you to do some extra pampering for yourself and keep urself in a good mood and fresh looks...You know what I mean :cheers ....
Finally don't worry and stay possitive...I understand that in most of the families arguments do happen...But it would be better if at one point when u feel that it is provoking him too much that he is physically abusing you..then you might want to just back off and talk about this when he is in a better mood..Most of the guys have bad temper (exceptions are there)and we cant do much about it other than not provoking it..

End of the day you are doing all these efforts to save the marriage for giving you kids a healthy family life ....just have that in mind dear

Kimaya · Oct 1, 2010

Sadmom, First things first. Do you love your DH and want to live with him for the rest of your life. Don't sacrifice for kids/parents. At the end of the day what you want is a happy family environment. What's the point of keeping your son with a dad whom he doesn't even talk to. Happy Family time is more important even if with a single parent than bad family environment with fights and stress.

Does you DH love his kids? eg if you don't give dinner/lunch to the kids will DH feel bad. Will he try and make something for them or will he ignore? If he does care for kids, then ask him to make dinner thrice a week. If not, then it will be sad to see the kids starve. Be strong though, they are his kids too he has to feel the same way you do. Or else there's something majorly wrong with him. Sometimes my kid would be hungry and come to our room in the night and my DH would make them a peanut butter sandwich 2am at night. Fathers also feel for kids IMO. You have to let go and let kids have some daddy time. I try and do once a month daddy's day. No mommy. I go out to a parlour or even for a girls evening out.

What are your DH's trigger points? What affects him? If you don't make dinner one day? If you go out with your kids for a dinner out without informing him? Do things which will impact him and will make him think so he can change. Men are usually thick skinned and they get used to words and start ignoring them quickly. eg my DH had this habit of coming late when we meet at a central point, once twice thrice I used to get irritated with 2 kids. Once I did the same with him and he had to pick the kids too, he was crazy and I was just 30 min late. He looked at me and was mad and I said you always do it. How does it feel now? I told you 100 times but you never realised how bad it is to wait with 2 hungry kids in the car outside a restaurant for 40 min. He did not repeat it after that or always informed me.

Sit with your DH and clearly tell him that you cannot do everything. he has to help too and assign some of his own tasks and other tasks to him. eg packing his own lunch/ironing his clothes/doing his own laundry. That way even if doesn't do them he will be the one who suffers. Paying bills can go to him. Even if the cable gets cut or Internet goes he will suffer most.

Also, start letting go of things which don't matter eg order out once a week and make very simple dinners - only dal rice or even simpler. Maybe your DH will ask eventually why and you can tell him, I told you I can't do everything. Best is to assign him dinner thrice a week.

Men have to be conditioned and coached. Be clear, be concise and they will follow. And yes, be strong. You work, you have given birth to two kids, you are a mom, you are the pivot point of that house. He has to give value to your opinion. RESPECTING each other, each other's work, each other's contribution/input/opinion is the most important thing in a relationship. And seems like your DH will not respect you on his own, you have to teach him how to respect you. By being a goody goody wife and doing all the tasks he will not respect you, he will respect and remember you when you don't do them. (some DH do respect their wife on their own too though)

Physical Violence, unacceptable. Good you told him you will call the cops. Call them if he repeats.

Good Luck! Best Wishes.

sadwife · Oct 1, 2010

by priyaluvsbaby:

Finally don't worry and stay possitive...I understand that in most of the families arguments do happen...But it would be better if at one point when u feel that it is provoking him too much that he is physically abusing you..then you might want to just back off and talk about this when he is in a better mood..Most of the guys have bad temper (exceptions are there)and we cant do much about it other than not provoking it..

sadwife@happywife is wondering:

Why is that the guys don't lay their hands on their parents, siblings, friends or anyone in that case no matter how angry they are at them, but only abuse their wife? :rant