Emotional Rollercoaster- Please Help

Suparni · Mar 2, 2017

toffbird said: ↑

Hi Everyone,

I have been a member of IL for the past 2 years but this is my first ever post. I have been battling with my emotions for ever so many years and its so hard for me to put it in writing.
So to give a background , I am in my early 30s , married. My childhood was a very traumatic one . My mother died when I was quite young and my dad married another woman of his choice a few years later. This lady although with good intensions never worked hard enough to form a bond with me and then once she gave birth to a child of her own the effort to form a bond with me reduced further . For me from the beginning she was someone outside of our family but i was trying hard to get her approval . I have even taken her side and gone out of my way (as a child) to please her just to get her to like me like how she likes her own child. She has constantly used my emotions as a child to manipulate me and turn against some of my own relatives but till date she has never done anything for me or supported me emotionally. She has blamed me for no happiness in her life, even cursed me on the day i got my first period and even told me that I would give birth to a mentally retarded child among many other things when I was a tennager. I always lived a two faced life one where I would be all happiness and pretend my life is perfect in from of my friends and relatives and then there was the other side at home . She never starved me or harmed me but she always made me feel that her life would be happier without me. So basically a relationship never existed . Fast forward to my college days I lived in another city and continued to be out of my home city for my masters, job etc until I got married. Now we share a very official relationship - we wish each other for our birthdays , occasionally call each other but she tries to initiate more these days just to get approval from others like my PILS etc but my PILs can definitely see through this facade. But the thing is that even after so many years , even if I meet her or talk to her I get highly stressed , all the bad memories coming gushing in and I feel terrible. I am trying hard to forget all this and move on . For my dad and sister I still have to interact with her. The worse bit in all this is that she doesnt even realise how she has ruined my life. She doesnt understand the damage she has done to my mental health and sanity. My father is the best thing that has happened in my life, but the one thing that keeps coming back to me is why didnt he take my side when I was a child and protect me from her toxic behavior? I have never complained about her to him and she has never ill treated me in front of him but he definitely knew things were not happy - then why didnt he tell her off or kick her out? I found a wonderful man and married him and my MIL makes up for every bit of childhood I lost - I am very blessed indeed. However it is an emotional rollercoaster when it comes to my stepmom - I dont want to cut contacts with her but at the same time even if we are just having a civil conversation i am reminded of all the horrific things shes said to me as a child. How do I deal with this ? Cutting ties with her is not an option and she no longer bad mouths me . I want to be at emotional peace and move on. Does this feeling ever go away? Will she ever realize what she has done?
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you have crossed the toughest part of your life..........whenever you mind thinks of the past.........count your blessings in current life.......that is..........your happy married life instead...........this is the only way to stay cheerful...........

all of us have some phase in life which was dark......for some people it is more challenging.............the fact that people convert challenges into opportunities for success is an achievement..........celebrate the present!!

jennycee · Mar 8, 2017

Hi dear, your childhood was pretty unhappy with a step-mother, painful memories will always be there, but you should move on. Only interact with your stepmother when you need to. I am glad you have a loving husband and mother-in-law, so count your blessings.

Emarald · Mar 8, 2017

OP

You need closure for this emotional roller coaster. I can understand this little because I was always craving for my mother's love whole life. My mother was always biased towards my sister. Anyway please seek counselling and learn how not to get stressed.

happygolucky22 · Mar 16, 2017

Its sad how in our patriarchal society and mindset how all the bad things are blamed on the step mom and the real biological dad is given a free pass. I have no suggestions as I do not know both sides of the story but it does appear that you have a very high set of standards for any mom to achieve and in the case here the stepmom clearly failed to reach those.
My apologies if I sound harsh.

Ragavisang · Mar 16, 2017

Does this mean anything to you? She is not hurting you now...but you are the one hurting yourself...So problem is with in you and the solution is also with in you. If you can try breathing exercise.. your will understand your emotions in due course and you will live with it peacefully. For that , you should give power to you to change instead of blaming her. it 's water under the bridge. Move on with your precious life gal.

Shreema86 · Mar 16, 2017

The longing to be unconditionally loved is a fundamental part of every human being . For most people in their early life, their parents and grandparents provide this , and they grow up with a sense of security . If the mother/stepmother or father show restricted love to the child , it shatters their sense of security and stability . It's like a plant which is watered only occasionally , the flowers don't bloom .

What you have written about feeling like you were all alone in your childhood resonates with me so much. My own mother was emotionally manipulative and distant , my father turned a blind eye to what she did . For long periods of time I had this actual deep hatredness towards her that consumed my life . I wanted to make her suffer and feel regret at her insensitivity towards me . But if she suffered because of some reason , that dint make me happy either . I remember once she broke down for some reason and I was disturbed . I am reluctant to say that blood is thicker than water , I don't agree with that , but for what ever reason I couldn't really cut her off completely .

A part of me always mourned not having a loving mother. It's hard for me to even explain this dark cloud that hanged over me for much of my life . I think the shift started for me when I became more spiritual . Much of what dint make sense otherwise started becoming clear . One of the first books that I happened to read by accident was " find your inner peace " by Diane cooper . Whom we are born to is no accident , we choose who our parents will be in this lifetime and we choose them to have the experiences we end up having . Deep down we are all loved unconditionally and we are never ever really alone , but some of us are born or ended up to toxic parents because our soul needs to go through this journey to understand the true essence of love and that forgiveness is a big part of it.

It's been a long rocky road towards forgiveness and peace , but now I can speak to my mother ocassionally and spend sometime in a year with her , without this fierce anger and hate inside . I have accepted that our relationship will never be smooth , and she is not going to change . She was a flawed human being who dint know how to nurture a child , but I am an adult now and I take responsibility for my life . Each life is extremely precious and there is a purpose for which we are born . Resentment and bitterness towards anyone is a waste of this gift . repeat again and again , my life is too precious and valuable for me to lose sleep over some one else's bad behaviour . Wish you all the best.