Emotional Rollercoaster- Please Help

No matter what happens to you, you might try another tack instead of looping back to the past.
Imagine how things might have been a lot worse than they had turned out. Step children are biological children of one parent, while they are adopted children of the other. The "other" parent did not voluntarily adopt this child; it was merely foisted on her, because of her own weak bargaining position in the marriage market. We must strive to be compassionate to those who are more unfortunate.

Here is a scene from "Mommie Dearest" watch this, instead of wondering about your own past:

 

Most of the kids choose to forget and love her for all that she did for them.
That is the bond of blood.
She probably couldn't love you like her own because you were not hr daughter.
You cannot forget the bad and love her for the good because she is not your own mother.
You both can blame nature for that.

She did her basic duty.Fed you,took care of things and kept you safe.

 

I had tears while reading your post.
I remembered my best friend in School, and how she would narrate her childhood horrible days with her step-mom.
Her case was very similar to yours. The father was a nice fellow, but he chose to stay out of the drama. The step mom was not ready to accept my friend as her own. She did not have any sympathy on this motherless little girl. She would be extremely affectionate with her own kids, and often treats this step daughter differently. On top of it, there were so many verbal abuses.
What a bad fate to lose your own mom at that tender age, specially when you get your first period, the time you develop physical changes in your body, when you were confused about the hormonal and bodily changes, Oh God.
It is hard. On top of it, when the replacement of a mother figure hurts you, it would be so hard. In your case, you were living with your sister, who was lucky to have her own mom loving and caring while you were neglected.
All these harsh days must have seriously affected your sanity.
Better you see a counselor and vent everything to come clean.
It is very important to let go of the bitter past, and start your life afresh.

You know... Everyone's life has its own dark times. Someone like you and my friend had to face that darkness when you were very young. But thankfully you and my friend were blessed with loving spouses and extended family.
In fact, my friend is the most blessed girl in our set.. She is living so happily with her H and her loving/caring MIL, who does try to be another mom to her.

But many others, who lived a happy childhood, pampered by their parents when in young are suffering loveless marriages. Some go through health issues, financial issues, and even childlessness.
Life is fair to everyone on its own way.

Count your blessings, and let go of the past - if needed, with the help of a counselor.

 

There are 2 types of people who help us grow in life. 1st type is the people who genuinely love us and care for us. They will always stand by us at any given point in time. They correct our mistakes and cheer for us to achieve things in life. Our success is something they cherish. Then, there is this 2nd category of people. They might look down upon us, neglect us and they are often our biggest critics.. we get to learn a lot from these people. This wouldn't be a pleasant experience though. But we tend grow stronger as a person and become self-sufficient. We are prepared to handle any situation in life and thereby achieve success. We should thank such people for making us what we are. It is easier to say than do it.. but Nevertheless whatever is bound to happen will happen. We have to take a stand, be strong and have a positive outlook to the circumstances that you have faced. Past is past, don't let your present go by without living it fully. Enjoy your present and let these pleasant experience overwrite the not so pleasant ones.

 

That is what mothers do op. Cook for the whole family .Three meals ,365 days for years. And children love their mothers all their lives for those meals .They love mothers's food...even the burnt rotis , the rice stuck to the bottom of the pan....

Op....a lot of motherhood comes from carrying the child in the womb ,having the hormonal changes in the body ,giving birth. It is nature's way of making sure the mother loves the child enough to make it survive. Only a few are blessed with big hearts to feel all that without actually going through it all. She had you without nature helping her out.She was probably not equipped with the emotions that are required.
She had nature's help with your step sister.

It is not easy being a second wife. The second wife has to live with the ghost of the first wife all life.
It is not easy being a step mom.It is not easy being a step child .
You can chose to give her the benefit of the doubt .You can choose to look at the good like most children do ....or you can continue feeling the same way.

May be she is trying to keep touch with you because she realizes she was not as fair .
If you try to get closer to your sister...you may feel she may also have some resentments.
Maybe her mom gave her a few slaps that she was hesitant to give her stepdaughter.
Maybe her mom took liberties with her that she could not take with her step daughter .
May be she felt you got extra attention from dad .
May be her mom could be more normal with her because of no fear of judgment from others or even her husband .

Anyways....best wishes to you. Hope you find your peace with her or without her.

 

Indeed. Having to fake it, is not a good position to be in.