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Ego

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by MonikaSG, Dec 17, 2017.

  1. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Everyone.. I am here again with more queries in my mind. Found very good replies in the last thread so just thinking of discussing more that in real life is not possible.

    I may sound stupid but please try to understand my words in a positive way.

    As I said earlier making good relationship with ILS are not easy. And I feel ego plays a very big part in it.

    My question is From where that ego come and how can we be low on ego and more on making relation?

    I don't know much about mils ego but would like to say about mine.

    As I did lots of suffering in my initial years of marriage that put a bitterness in my mind for many persons specially for mil. She might be correct on her place but I found her difficult. Now so many things are changed. My life is going smooth no one doing any harm to it.

    But I feel myself very egoistic sometimes. I many times make up my mind to be positive about my mil. She has the habit of knowing everything and always puts her suggestion almost in all the things even if not required. When I start becoming positive I try to understand each of her comments and try to accept those genuinely. But after many comments I start the feeling internally that please keep quiet and let me do wrong. My ego burst up my anger. Initially I used to get very much angry but now I control much of my anger internally if not all.

    Why I get so egoistic? I should accept all of her suggestions and if not acceptable I should tell her respectfully that this is not the way I want. Why there exists ego anger etc and if exists then why I feel that she should love me like my mother. I never get the same feeling about my mother.

    If someone able to understand this please tell me how should I come out of ego and anger to live a peaceful life.
     
  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ego is a natural human psychology.But we should not hurt anyone/ be rude behaviour due to our ego. As you told already, you are doing the best to be positive and not react. So, don't feel guilty about your emotions,but be proud of your reactions(how controlled and polite you are).

    Always keep in mind to separate outer reaction from inward emotion. Then your life will be peaceful.Don't try to be perfect inside also, you will just grow frustrated and mad.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2017
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  3. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmmmm right...
     
  4. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    A couple of years ago, I went to a wedding in the old country. And being long-forin-gone person, and as cosmo' as the young ones, I was asked to give some advice to the young bride before she was sent off with her hubby & family.
    I told her about anger management, and showed her Obama's Luther skit. The trick about dealing with a MIL could be to imagine a cartoon caricature of the person, and think about what/how the cartoon character would do what the live-MIL is doing. One can go into this reverie while MIL is on-live. This kind of spacing out in front of her could confuse and disarm the MIL. And when the dreamer snaps out of it, she can easily say something totally irrelevant as the answer.
    Here is the way Obama outsourced his anger to Luther.
     
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  5. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    :grinning: nice one....thanx for understanding and to put a solution. I always discuss it with my H but he always suggest just respect my mom and ignore everything else. But never able to give a solution. But here I can get various suggestions that can help me and solve the issue. She don't sit more with me in the same room but I really like to talk to her and share things. But my behaviour don't show this as I get irritated easily by her repetitive interference and comments. I too read some holy books aloud for her and went to park or market did yoga with her but everything falls not so useful when I don't react nicely. Have to learn that. I am not working and the major reason behind that is I can't act. I always show what's in my mind. And left so many jobs end up showing them their face made my wrong image and same thing happen to me all the time. I think grown ups can survive only with fake responses that can make other happy. Her other two dils don't do much for her but she is happy with them as they always talk nicely. They don't have to adjust that's why they can do this. I don't want to be like them. I just want to live a more strong relationship with my mil. Thanx everyone in this thread and other too for your kind suggestions. I don't know anyone of you personally may be that is the reason of saying anything I like to. If you don't like you can ignore if like then can comment. No expectations and no fancy thing required. Glad to join this community.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2017
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  6. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    @MonikaSG If I may ask, what types of disagreements do you have with your mil? You don't have to be too specific if you don't want to but is it, like, over household things and things of that nature, or are we talking about disagreements about major life decisions?

    I think the types of things you guys disagree about is an important factor in trying to solve this issue
     
  7. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Not knowing, and especially NOT having to know anyone here is the advantage of these internet forums. People may post their peace/piece and get the opinions of others. And you'd always get a diverse variety of opinions.
    Come and play as much as your time away from MIL would permit. Cheerio...
     
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  8. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Major issues are work related. Let me point out some of the issues

    Started working too much from the third day
    She was happy with me at that time

    Then she shifted to my floor after 5 months of my marriage as before that we used to had a common kitchen and other two families not yet shifted to their floors. She used to sleep in their room.

    Only the time I stay in my bedroom was mine. I don't used to sit there idle. Just go there to sleep. Rest of the day she just giving me advices.

    She used to make everyones food at our floor daily. Never care about what we want to eat. Give first to others and left one for us which most of the time fall short. Give everything to them from fruits to eggs or whatever we bring home. But those people did not had the need to ask us daily. Still I never complained.

    Then when I gave birth to my first baby we did a function at home as our home is too big. One of the guest commented about the cleanliness of the bathroom. I had the c section was on bed rest. Many people were there at home even my mom lived here to take care but still she never did or said anyone to clean it at first and put all the blame on me. That was the first time I had a fight. How can anyone do this when I am on bed rest.

    Then with little baby always crying it become difficult for me to make everyones food daily without them asking me even if I need. I showed up my disagreement at that time but she got so much angry and reacted like who the hell is me to say so. No one else will say in above floors if I do same there. But she never did the same to them anytime.

    All guests neighbours I used to attend always. For that too there was a fight that others should also take responsibility sometimes. They took that but my mil reacted very bad on me and appreciating them. Now it happened that very few people come to our house.

    I was in so much depression during both my pregnancy and told everyone please take her to your floor at least for weekend so that I too can get some peace. But she very rarely go there.

    Anytime I tell her something she start becoming so much angry and convert discussion into fight.

    My husband also sometimes take my side but most of the time he is on her side. We had so much fights because of her and even wanted to get separate. Somehow our love for kids stopped us.

    She also did helped me in lots of ways and many times. But she feels her ways are always right and I am saying in front of her is always wrong.

    After so many fights and explanations she stopped serving others daily. I do serve them when required and also call my middle sil for tea daily. I now do as per my willingness and ability. Still no one can question me as I do so much. Still don't expect anything from anyone.
     
  9. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    In regards to the daily advice, maybe your mil thinks she's helping by advising you? Many older ladies have that view and don't understand that the constant "advice" can get irritating after a while.

    In my opinion, I think that you should not stress over the small things and should refrain from openly arguing with her about those. You won't change her mind, so trying to convince her and arguing is a waste of time. Older people are very set in their ways and it's difficult, if not impossible, to convince them to see things differently or even view things from a different perspective. If she continues to give you constant unsolicited "advice," simply thank her and go about your business (in one ear and out the other). Don't let her attitude that "her way" is right upset you. She is just a regular person like the rest of us and her opinion is not the end of the world.
     
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  10. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    After your initial struggles seems like you had to stand up for yourself and things are going smoothly now. Why do you want to disturb the peace now ?

    This is not your ego, it’s your guilt from having to stand up for yourself against the MIL. A submissive DIL is not always a good DIL, even though traditional Indians think so. What’s the point of saying yes to everything and being bitter about it?

    You don’t have to love your MIL like your mother. You cannot expect her to love you like her daughter . You don’t have to have heartfelt conversations with her either. Talk about things you love in common , only her son and grandkids. Since you live in the same house try not to be rude but stand your ground politely when you see that you are being taken for granted ( seems like you have done that with food situation). Familiarity breeds contempt , so spend time doing other things.

    Don’t try to dissect and analyze your relationship with MIL. Focus on your kids and husband first.

    If you want others including MIL to respect you, you must respect and value yourself first. Take care of yourself, your overall well being and don’t go above and beyond to please anyone.
     

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