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DV and in-laws

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mnoo, May 26, 2014.

  1. mnoo

    mnoo New IL'ite

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    After my husband slapped me and I returned home to my parents, I revealed to my husband's parents all that their son had done and they did admit and that their son was at fault. Their son had been talking to them and explaining his point of view which basically sums up to couple of facts :-

    - He made mistakes but so did I. It is quite natural that I might have made mistakes too.
    - This is an arranged marriage so I should be more adjusting.
    - He comes home from work and I am not sweet and caring and he misses that.
    - I am ok and a nice person, it is my mother who is making do all this.

    My in-laws are saying the same : because I am a woman, I should 'make' him change and make him see the error of his ways. I should be more 'understanding'. They say that they will tell their son that his behavior is wrong and not to repeat it. But I should give in somethings too. I should forget everything, the insults he came up with, the wild accusations he made and be happy again.

    This is not the first time he has slapped me or betrayed my trust and I have been understanding and forgiving.

    What about my mental mindset, nobody is talking about that. For 2 months, I experienced fear living with him when he merely walked by. I entertained thoughts of suicide when he accused me of certain things. All that is brushed aside.

    Even now I am not ready to live life with him ( to be frank I am not sure if that is the right path to take)

    Do I really believe he will change out of fear or because of someone's say so? - NO, I dont believe that. Not when I have yet to receive a sincere apology from him.


    My husband's parents are forceful people who are very wearing. Even when I explain reasons for my actions, they agree on the spot but go back and ask again, over and over again until we give in. My husband, too is very much the same in this aspect.

    I feel very frustrated and am afraid they will extract some kind of promise I really dont want to make.
     
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  2. HeartHealer

    HeartHealer Guest

    Hi mnoo,

    Thanks for writing to us.

    Manoo, your husband is bad and not worthy of you. It's really wrong on his part to have slapped you. That's no where needed.

    I would like to know a little more about the situation, as it's not very much clear.


    Why ? What went wrong? What made him slap you ?

    What mistakes are you actually hinting at? What mistakes did you do ? And, hows your mother involved in this ?


    Please give a brief account of the previous incident you're hinting at.

    Please tell us, what are those "certain things".



    Also, you didn't write much about what your parents think of the situation and how are they reacting to it?
    What is the present situation ?


    Kindly clear the clouds. It will help us sort out the issue in a much better way.
     
  3. sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs to you OP. Domestic violence has no justification and your in-laws have no right to force you to live with their abusive son. And your husband's 'justifications' hardly justifications. You cannot and need not be sweet and caring all the while. You will have your good and bad days. More adjustment is sometimes an euphemism for expecting you to be a doormat. I feel that he probably has no real serious reason to blame you so he's dragging your mother into the picture.
    In any case, he cannot beat you up.

    You have to be strong and not give in to being pressurized by your in-laws. Remind them that domestic violence is a crime and nothing can compel you to be battered while you try to reform their abusive son. They have raised an abuser and now they have no right to demand that you put up with it.

    Make no promises of any kind, make yourself secure professionally and do not get swayed by apologies either. Apologetic behaviour is often a part of the cycle of abuse.

    I would advise you to stay with your parents till you are assured of safety.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2014
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  4. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    NO Justification for DV -- first time you are abused-- TAKE ACTION.
     
  5. mnoo

    mnoo New IL'ite

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    These are my previous post and re:post in this same forum


    Hello all. I am new here. This is my first post and I want advice from you.


    My husband and I were married 2 years ago (arranged marriage). We are both doctors and we married after my husband got residency (PG) in US. I have been on a H4 dependent visa since then and these 2 years I completed the exams that would allow me to practice in the US and have been building up my CV.

    We dont have any monetary difficulties or problems with in-laws.

    I am by nature shy and calm person.

    Six months ago my husband slapped me for the first time. I no longer remember the argument we had however I do remember that I called him foolish which is what he has been calling me too during the argument.

    The next time slap was when he felt that I hadnt been practicing for interviews like he had been harassing me to do. I threatened to call the cops if he repeats it again in an email. He came home from work that day and told me that my behavior was destructive and started yelling and asking over and over again why I hadnt been practicing. Why was I so reluctant to talk to others Is it because something happened before marriage? I took all his abuse because I felt I deserved it for neglecting my studies for so long. This lasted a week and the tirades were never ending.

    The next time was when he came home and asked about a weird smell. I replied to his question but he didnt hear it due to the heater. He slapped me hard because ' weren't you supposed to know that I cant hear and came after me to answer that question'.( I was reading something important at that time). I refused to talk after this and later I explained how this was ruining our marriage and he promised not to repeat it again.

    The next time was when I screwed up and revealed something I shouldn't have to a friend of his when I went to stay at their house. It was genuine mistake not pre-mediated. I explained this to him and he became more paranoid that he was going to lose his job over it which seemed too far-fetched to me but then he wasnt listening at that point. He accused me that maybe I had 'liked' his friend.
    He berated me for a missing luggage in that trip which was the airlines fault not mine(the luggage was later recovered and they even gave compensation for their mistake). Until then he kept telling me that I had made a mistake and forgotten my luggage. He asked me to leave his home and go back to India. This lasted for three days.

    Finally on Feb 14, he slapped me again because I wasnt agreeing to his plan for pregnancy. I had been diagnosed with PCOS which causes weight gain, pre-diabetes and infertility. We took a bigger insurance last year as fertility services are not covered. He planned for me to take the fertility drug. I was initially ok with it but later had some reservation about the combined effect of my condition and the drugs (plus the stress of starting a new job). I was not prepared to take the risk of putting my future child at harm.I talked to several doctors who advised me to lose weight first. I explained this to my husband but he is adamant that some risks in life ought to be taken and couples who come to US like us plan for parenthood at this stage. I didnt agree and he slapped me again.
    He didnt talk to me for 2 weeks and the first thing he asked after that was what had I planned reg pregnancy. I was so mad. I had asked him not to touch me but he didnt respect that.

    I am now back in India now but I will start residency in the same hospital as he is in July. Since the last incident I haven't talked to him properly. He overall behavior is like this' I know I made a mistake, but so did you. However because I am a mature person I apologize so stop your sulking and get back to normal.'

    He also accused me in the past that I deliberately kept my PCOS secret before marriage which is so unture. He threatened me with divorce during arguments.

    I dont know if this is relevant, but he is also a webcam dirty chat addict that he promised to stop but has been doing it on the sly gradually. He said he would no longer keep in touch with the girl he once loved but I know he said hi to her in an email after our last argument. He called me by her name on our first night and despite my repeated questions he was adamant that it wasn't a big love affair or anything.

    Sorry for the long post but can you give me any advice. All I can think at this point is I cant live like this. I dont/ cant think from his side anymore.


    Dear all,


    I appreciate the advice and support, but I would like to clear a few things.

    - My husband is a very caring person. Thats why it comes as something as a shock, the first time slap. He knows he is caring too and he has used that as a bargaining chip to get me to stop my 'sulk'. However the last time, I wasnt prepared to hand over my self-respect just because he was super-caring. We had a few words and I told him that all his care counts for nothing. He, as predicted got pretty upset about that and now plays the role of a martyr.

    He is a hardworking and his colleagues do know him as generous person. Personally I used to think he had control issues and wrong set of priorities in life.

    - He never forced me for sex. He just ignored my request not to hug/touch me and I couldn't tolerate his touch after the last time he slapped me.

    - Please dont think that I am sympathizing with him. I know what he has done is inexcusable. When I think that maybe I should be forgiving, I remember the fear and anguish each of those incidents caused me. The slap is a sign of disrespect, no doubt, but the feeling of helplessness and fear are a 100 times worse. He is a good person but he hasnt been a good husband to me.

    -Here is a link to the website which describes if abuser shows signs that he will change. I think it will be helpful for a lot of others who have suffered abuse as well.

    The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Is Change Possible In An Abuser?

    It is a long process and change is extremely difficult. I have given this to my husband as well but I think he is still in denial that anything is wrong with him.

    I tell them over and over again that change should come from within. But it falls on deaf ears and they are adamant that he will change because now they have come to know the problem and they can supervise him. What they are saying is really no different from what he is saying.
    Our last argument happened in Feb and I left to India in Apr. During that time he used to apologize continuously. I asked him not to, asked him to show in deed rather than in word. But he didn't listen and every 15 days he used to get angry and throw stuff and speak insultingly or ask me to leave the house, that I am making a big mistake and my behavior/character is faulty.

    Ought I take a chance on such an important thing?

    He says I have faults and made mistakes too. When I ask him to be more specific he keeps mum or misdirects the conversation or implies everyone knows.
     
  6. HeartHealer

    HeartHealer Guest

    Hi mnoo,




    5 slaps down the line and you still want to be with him. How many more will it take for you to realize that this marriage is nothing more than a social obligation and that your husband is inhuman.

    Your husband is doing something which is equivalent to a person who murders someone and then asks for apology, promising that he would change.

    The biggest mistake that you and ladies like you do is, that you allow yourself to be beaten up by your husbands. This false hope that someday things will change, someday he will realize his mistakes and surrender to you, someday the lost love will come back is the biggest reason why you ladies are not able to cope up with domestic violence.

    On a very honest note ma'am, I am strictly against this inhuman behavior and if something similar to this happens with any lady in my family, be assured I will stand against this very hard.

    The day when you will be able to face this fear of being alone or the fear of helplessness, you will be able to make your own identity and stand with yourself.

    You're a doctor, well educated and settled. Why on earth do you need a person as inhuman as your husband to be with? You can find many who are, if not best, will still be way better than your husband.

    He might be very good, generous and genuine to his patients or other people. But what's the point in being Gandhi to the outside while being Bin Laden to your own family?

    Word of Advice : Identify yourself, realize your worth and live for yourself. Stop fearing for something that can be molded by your own self.

    I am really sorry if I hurt your emotions. But, I'm really surprised why are you staying in this marriage, when you don't have any respect here.
     
    7 people like this.
  7. han412

    han412 Gold IL'ite

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    The only time physical abuse can be stopped is the first time. Very rarely will a man stop physical abuse. Slapping a person is not the answer to "mistakes".
    You are a doctor doesn't this "weird smell" ring alarm bells?
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2014
  8. soulhappy

    soulhappy Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    Hugs to you , OP. I can see myself in you except you have completed ur exams. Like how your husband accused you of airline baggage loss my husband accused me of powercut at 2 am because when I turned on the light evrything became dark. I got rude words at 2 am in the morning and when he called the electricity provider customer care centre they said that a truck passed in a wrong road and the power went off and they will restore it in 15 min. This was within 1 year of my marriage.

    I can see lot of RED FLAGS in ur relationship
    Potential Redflags- risk ofbecoming very abusive in future
    Pressurising you to become pregnant.
    Accusing you of not disclosing nonexistent PCOS before marriage
    Accusing you of lost airline baggage
    Touching you without your consent. Even in a marriage a spouse does not have any right to touch his/her partner without consent.
    Slapping you 3 to 4 times.

    He has zero respect for you
    I can see potential jealousy in him and I would suggest you to try counselling or end this marriage before it becomes too late. Its not ur duty to correct him. Your inlaws should have broughthim up well. Its their duty. Its so sad that thesepeople though they are grownups mask their son's shortcomings and ruin a girl's peace of mind. Dont even consider them.

    Send an ultimatum- if he comes for counselling and try to change himself, you will stay in this marriage or else endthis marraige.
    All the best.

    My hormones were baalanced till 2011. I feveloped pcos 5 years after marriage. My hormones became imbalanced becoz of chronic stress. Think twice before making a decision. All the best.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2014
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  9. soulhappy

    soulhappy Silver IL'ite

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    Plz read TOXIC MEN BY LILLIAN GLASS. Gives you a perspective abt the potential redflags you find in an abuser. The redflags I listed are characteristics of an abusive person.
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Please walk. It does not look like your husband will change. You are not the one who started the abuse. You are not responsible for adjusting, changing or any of the silly terms used to guilt women.
    Instead of taking full responsibility your husband is coming up with excuses. This does not sound like someone who is serious about reforming.
    You have one life to live, it's up to you how you want it to be.
     
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