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Drama In My Sister's Match Looking.

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by sanjuruby3, Mar 19, 2017.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    This is about the boy for my sis that we were looking. There was so much drama and tension I felt need to come here and support us.

    My parents had got this match and have been in communication for about 2 yrs. It was always boy X's mom Y calling. My dad was never sure so never pursued himself.
    Reasons dad did not pursue until now were
    1. my sis had BF so she was not responding to any of the proposals coming
    2. dad also thought she should get into job first (she was preparing for job/exams at that point) and probablly should wait for working boy as this was business family.
    3. no one to support dad and advise him. He always talking to me on what to be done.

    In the course, boy's family seeked consultation from my dad (because of his profession before retirement ) once and my dad helped them a lot for which communication increased and Y started talking friendly. They had seen sis's photo long back. So X and Y both interested in pursuing but dad was not sure.
    Also, Y many times did not forget to mention, how many girls, how much worth/value they have been seeing but not liking for looks/height etc. Both X and Y interested in us.

    So Now I went to India, saw the boy and convinced sis too. So now we decided to pursue and sis had broken off at that time.
    First time, they met the girl. They were probably shocked with girl in glasses. We ( me and sis) decided to keep simple and natural, no contacts. Pic sent long back (about 2 yrs before was w/o glasses, and sent by some relative from his phone of some function). Meeting went okay and they asking Y or N.
    After long battle with thoughts, We decided to pursue and called them to meet ( we had decided initial ceremony from girl side if they agree). but meeting cancelled by Y on phone But she mentioned glasses thing. Prev pic sent did not have glasses etc and interested in known eye sight information etc. After then there were numerous calls on eyesight, number, kind of glasses. She asking to get laser etc. Dad was annoyed but said okay they will get checked and laser before any ceremony. She apologized for cancelling first meeting, and wanted to come and see our house now and so came with H (no boy).

    Checking out my sis carefully, enquiring about complexion etc..cooking etc. Spoke like its done thing and my sis is her going to be DIL. Her H is a great person btw. WE thought she speaks too much.

    Then again phone calls on glasses, and hell bent on surgery done, its Y if surgery done kinds. Dad, actually annoyed at this time, said we will get surgery but it will take time and may or may not happen till we see her eyes checked. She spoke to my sis and said similar things, boy X does not like glasses too, boy X says its permanent glasses.
    I did not approve of surgery or surgery for marriage but everyone has own opinion. She said, there should be surgery before any ceremony and also they can not do any ceremony this month etc.

    Now after that there is silence for couple weeks, dad irritated but also afraid of rejection, there is call. They and there extended family wants to see the girl and house ( 3rd time) because they are passing by our house and I am here.
    Now this time, dad, because not able to speak himself, also included a elder relative of us ( like neutral front runner person) in meeting to speak for us.

    Now, third time they came with boy, and extended family. Our relative asked bluntly about y/n and that its not nice to see girl so many times. Hearing that, they just started speaking about glasses. My sis was sitting among us.
    We like everything about girl. She has everything that we wanted. We saw xxxx girls. We do not want money. Here but we glasses is the only concern otherwise its Yes. Also she mentioned that she had backed out only for glasses but they like us and comfortable with us, they did not want hanky panky too modern girl.

    We had guessed in her silence time she had checked out other matches ( as she mentioned in her each discussion that they got match from x town, y town but not yet seen girl).

    Now every member of family ( except boy X and one teenager girl that had come) screaming that we are a "perfect" family, everyone is "perfect" in all of us. MIL 'Y', Boy X are perfect. House is perfect. Not of us have glasses. Boy does not have glasses. Our kids have minor weak num glasses but X is perfect.
    Enquiring about eye sight number many times. Please check if surgery can be done, give us eyesight # after checkingch once etc. We have gathered this much gold money, sis would never have to buy etc. We are perfect was spoken 20 times atleast. They were all ugly and talking like my sis had some infectious disease and get it cured. It was loud drama. Apparently boys mom has 1 eye perm damaged so she is scared of glasses and surgery......Hunh.

    During all this drama, I was thinking what is going on my sisters mind and heart. What If I been there at her place? Dad got up and went away for break. We fed them and sent them away.
    Before leaving they apologized if my sis got hurt but did not mean. Next morning, Y called once to apologize. After that no one called for any y or n. We do not talk about it at home anymore but its kind of 'no'.

    I am guilt filled after that and somehow feel like it happende because of me.
    I influenced her in wearing glasses, no make up and then when they asked what is eye sight number( they asked 10 times and I hated that), I told they its high, and found out number and gave them. I convinced her about boy, and she broke up with her BF.
    She was seriously prepping for exams and her mindset changed completely after that. I felt so bad. She is such a b'ful girl but never had confidence. Now after this episode, she was broken, not for boy or marriage but why this happened to her.
    Above that our elder brother away not much concerned about all this.
     
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  2. sumalynux

    sumalynux Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi

    I understand how you feel..

    Regarding marriage proposal It's clear that it's a red signal and better to cancel it.

    Coming to your sister feelings Time will heal her, try taking a family trip outings and get-togethers shopping to help her get it out of mind.. Don't worry she will come out of it soon..


    Regarding you. Don't worry too much you were just a reason, this thing had to happen and it did. And good that you guys got to know true color before marriage, she will get better match..
     
  3. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @sanjuruby3
    Don't be upset- It's better to have broken in the initial stages rather than everyone agreeing, accepting, holding hands, making plans for future only to be crashed and burned. They would have reacted the same way even much later.

    In arrange marriages- we have to expect these kind of drama. This is weeding out process in finding the right guy, a family that fits your family's mentality.

    I am sorry that your sister broke up with her bf and trust me these kind of things happen to everyone in the arrange marriage setting. If your sister bf has a decent career-- let him convince your parents to get married to your sister. There is no point trying to find perfect guy or the perfect family. We all have to accept our imperfection and be happy with the person who finds our imperfect side to be beautiful.

    Dont worry about your brother's reaction. He is a guy may not understand what his sister is going through.

    My cousin really liked a guy ( arrange marriage setting)- the boys family didn't even respond Yes or no. They kept saying they will tell within 2 weeks but they never even told yes or no, after 3 months they gave up contacting. For 3 months my cousin was expecting just basic yes or no. Everyone knew she was head over heels for this guy, every call that came on the landline- she would eagerly ask if the call was from that family. After 3 months or so-- it became clear that the family aren't responding, she was super upset.

    For a year and a half she searched for grooms--she got super upset coz of all the matches would emotionally drag her around, with all sort of drama.
    She finally gave up on arrange marriage and convinced her parents to let her marry her ex-bf and now they seem to be happy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2017
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Your sister should get Lasik if she wants to, not because XYZ demanded that she do. Wearing eyeglasses is not a contagious disease, though conditions like astigmatism can be hereditary. Sounds like she dodged a bullet here. The people sound shallow.
    If she is used to contact lenses and looks better in them there is no harm in wearing them as long as it is disclosed. And also light natural makeup is appropriate for a bride-viewing meeting. No need to look frumpy.
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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  6. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Exactly...

    Its not about glasses. We all wear glasses and DIL wear glasses. Everyone has glasses these days on and she wears contacts too. It was shocking for us that problem for them is glasses. Not anything else as they are calling themselves perfect because they have good money. I could have thought or spoken so many things but they were guests and we did not know for sure if its no from us yet.
    From first meeting on( formal meeting with all of us, after 2 yrs of knowing), they behaved like its done thing. They seemed polite.

    I felt bad that they spoke all this in front of my sister and they kid of theirs who is not model herself ( I know it should not speak like that but it burns)
    My sis wanted laser for convenience and asthetic reasons too but not that some guy's family asked. However I am scared of surgeries, and I tried to talk them out of it as glasses really look good on her but its their choice.
     
  7. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    I myself felt this BF was right match. He was not even employed, not planning or looking for work, not studying or prepping for anything. Sis told me this. She had warned him for about 2 yrs but he was doing nothing. When asked, what were you doing all these yrs, I was mentally supporting my sis.
    Me and my sis were both under my parents pressure so I convinced her to that boy and off from that BF. After all this happened, she cried so much, talking to me, that no one would have spoken to her like this, if it was her BF there and I felt bad too and felt so insecure about her ..may be she should go back to eX but same issues will arise. This was such an emotional blow on all of us. We never spoke about it after that. Now after couple months, I talk to my mom and she is worried that everyone saw them and knew about this match and now its broken... You know same thing, what will people say?

    For that match, both families spent 2 yrs of energy. Checking through numerous people, then visiting, again meeting and pronlem is not money or looks or dowry or status...what glasses.

    Anyways, I pray for her and find myself responsible in between.
     
  8. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Sanjuruby,

    Am glad you guys did not move forward with this alliance.. asking someone to do lasik prior to marriage seems unbelievable!! It is not such an easy procedure, some people do have some side effects ( although most have good results) and i know of some who had to go back to glasses as their correction was temporary.. unless your sister herself wants to do it, she shouldn't do it.. try to boost up your sister's confidence.. Am sure she will get a better life partner..
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  9. mohnisha

    mohnisha Senior IL'ite

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    This is absolutely ridiculous. What if the girl needs to wear glasses after marriage?
    For this petty issue they are creating this much drama surely they 'll do a lot more in coming times. Better to avoid these kind of people who gives importance only to external appearance.
     
  10. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah Finest Post Winner

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    I think you mean "... was NOT the right match ...".
    On the whole, two potential disasters seem to have been averted. Your sister should be glad this is happening to her. Act in haste and repent at leisure is not a good life plan.

    I would never advise anyone to undergo an elective surgical procedure. That decision has to be theirs and theirs alone, even if the possibility of a mishap is very low. The insistence of this family on Lasik seems to border on the obsessional. It's fine for a guy to feel that a woman with glasses is not for him. People are weird with their likes and dislikes, but surgery as a pre-condition for marriage is going a bit too far.

    As for your sister's feelings - maybe you can help her cultivate a little resilience. That may be a greater gain in the long run than marrying some doofus - ex-bf included. I hope her exam plans are merely postponed and not canceled.
     
    sindmani and blindpup10 like this.

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