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don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is faulty?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by janaka1, Jun 6, 2014.

  1. janaka1

    janaka1 Silver IL'ite

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    [FONT=&amp]Being a lil analytical. Heard one of my male colleague vehemently criticising his mother in law who comes to his place often and stays with him and his wife on the ‘pretext’ of helping in child rearing. Was so surprised to hear that his mil allegedly does all the things we complain our mils to be doing including trying to demean his family and parents. The incident pressed me to think the matter over. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]What is the source of problem actually? Honestly most of our mils are not so bad to outside world as we find them at home. I am sure if i had not been her dil she would have been much better with me as well (from what i have seen about her behaviour with others). Problem starts when we live together and when we are linked by some kind of ‘relationship’ in family. I think most of the dil/mil pair would have been better off as strangers than in a so called ‘family’. Don’t you think that all the problem starts with the man (woman in my colleague’s case) in the middle. And the right or lack of right over him as to who belongs more to him than the other. Isn’t it all because i am her son’s wife, her grand daughter’s mother and an 'intruder' in her home taking over her 'rights', which is only natural...she is getting older day by day and its the law of nature that gradually she is having to let go of things and be dependent on an ‘outsider’.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]

    I think most of our problem would have been solved if we wouldn’t have this trend of living like a family. What do you ladies think about the matter? I think family is based on two relations. Blood(parents-children) and love(husband-wife). An mil/dil pair does not share any of the two. So keeping them forcefully together is not right. Both of them are forced to acknowledge each other as a part of the family which is artificial in the first place.[/FONT]
    JMO
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2014
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  2. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    Re: don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is fau

    i think you are right..these things come to being when two strong lines of association i.e blood and conjugal/love come to clash with each other...
     
  3. nalinidiv

    nalinidiv Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is fau

    wow let men get hold of this truth u just uttered...u just hit the nail at the right place :bangcomp:
     
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is fau

    It requires maturity on the part of parents to realize that their children are now adults, married and about to embark on their own lives. Giving them the space to do so is often the best for everyone, rather than living together and building up resentments.
    My brother got married recently, and lives in India. My parents live in city A and have a duplex house, and he lives in city B, which is a 5-hour drive away. My SIL's parents also live in city B in a beautiful spacious house. SIL's brother is in the US, so she is the only child at home for her parents. My brother is also the only child in India, for my parents.
    Despite this, there was no question of their living with parents. They have rented a small apartment while they look for their own place to buy. Both sets of parents visit regularly, but everyone is happy to have their own space.
    A newly married woman often has to make most of the adjustments since she is coming into an established unit. Especially in the case of an arranged marriage, it is easier if she can establish her relationship with her husband, and they deal with the rest of the family as a united front. It takes time to create bonds and a loving relationship.
    Too often the new DIL is seen as a cook, maid and bears the brunt of bad behavior, despite working full time. I sincerely hope this changes in the near future.
     
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  5. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is fau

    All parents need to realize that once their kids are matured and have a family of their own, they need to be independent. I am strongly against bringing Moms (MIL or your own) and make them look after your kids (whether the kids mom is working or non-working). Day cares are plenty or else stay at home and look after your kids if you dont trust day cares. When you pull the elders in as full time babysitters, they will inevitably start interfering and the whole issue of control arises.
    Better stay separate and meet them once in a while.
     
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  6. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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    Re: don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is fau

    Yes, the structure itself is faulty, but not for the reasons you have elaborated.
    Imagine you were living with a roommate (say a female, to avoid complications) wherein both of you could decide the various logistics and economics of staying etc together.
    Now, consider a scenario where the rule was such that only your roommate was allowed to bring her mother in who could stay there and you were not, whereas everything else was equal. Would you be happy in such a case ? For me, the answer is a clear no. In this case, you neither have blood ties with anyone and the mother might be a very good lady as well. The real issue is of inequality.
    This is rather an exception than a rule. Most mothers of daughters are never so interfering with their daughters' lives an usually son-in-laws don't have complaints against their MILs.

    I do not think so. The deeds done by MILs as listed in this website are too bad and cannot be done by good people.

    This is true but even where MILs are willing to let go, the issue of faulty structure remains for the reasons listed below. Thus the issue of not letting go is a compounding factor making this faulty structure even more intolerable, however, despite that not being an issue, the structure is wrong.

    As far as I am concerned, I see the Son-DIL-MIL-FIL structure as faulty and for that matter, any similar structure, because there is an innate inequality. This whole discourse deserves another thread.
    1.) The son is a beneficiary of conjugal union as well as filial ties being available to him under one roof, hence he is not at par with the DIL. The DIL, while she gets conjugal union, she might even get love and respect from the PILs but she has to provide succour and care to parents who are not her own and there may or may not be anyone to take care of her own parents. This could cause a guilt feeling in her.

    2.) From Parents' perspective, sons' parents are also beneficiary under this structure but not the DILs'. Now if the PILs are not understanding, which is usually the case, they stop her from caring for her own parents whether directly or by instigating the son against the DIL causing immense guilt compared to scenario in point1.

    3.) In addition to above, demanding PILs take from their son an undue portion of the 'husband-time' the DIL should be getting from him. In this case, if even the husband loves the wife, he may feel equally at loss.

    4.) When children come in this set-up, sons' parents are again a beneficiary who get to see, love and stay with their grandchildren everyday while DILs' parents have to come stay as guests to be with their grandchildren who are equally theirs.

    5.) Restrictions are put always on the DIL never on the son. Restrictions may be pertaining to anything under the sun. That is the level of inequality practised in our country. A son can dress up in anyway, and even if the PILs don't put restrictions, can the DIL dress up anyway she likes ? Would she not feel uncomfortable due to a male member who is neither her blood relative nor her husband nor of her generation ?

    6.) Now, added to all of the above inequality, if finances are not distributed equally among the two sets of parents, and this is invariably the case, the balance is tilted too much against the DIL.

    Why would a DIL want her parents to be treated like a guest in her house when husband's parents can stay as family ?
    Why would anyone like such an unbalanced and biased structure and least of all a working DIL!
    To be fair to all, nuclear family is the best where all parents, sibling, grandparents have equal right of entry and exit depending solely on their behaviour/adjustment capability. Of course, special needs (widow parent) etc need to be taken care of. But otherwise, nuclear structure is the best.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2014
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  7. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    Re: don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is fau

    Agree with GauriDinesh. I have heard divorce cases where DILs mother are culprit to break marriages though they always blame ILs. I also feel, why to invite parents when we need (specially for taking care of kids). If they are in need , then definitely this is our responsibility irrespective of whether it's DHs parent or DWs parent
     
  8. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    Re: don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is fau


    Our Indian system of Joint family is sad, isnt it?
    For some reason, Sons' parents get to be part of the family, however DIl's parents aren't. Sons' parents have Return on their Investment and I truly believe most parents in India see their sons as Investments as opposed to parents who truly love their daughters. I am not saying this to hurt anybody's feelings but isn't this the sole reason for female infanticide ???
    I think we should all move towards nuclear family, even if one of them get's widowed they can live close by and be taken care of like most westerners do. Atleast, there will be more respect for elders who are independent and self-reliant as opposed to be being a mooch...

    At the same time, people in their child rearing ages shouldnt burden their parents with the chore. Children are parents' responsibility and not grandparents'.

    Being there emotionally and in need of urgency is totally different from living under the same roof.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2014
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is fau

    Nicely put.
     
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  10. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: don't think the structure of the family with son-dil and ILs 2ghtr itself is fau

    You know what you did!....hit the nail on the head!.....

    Men get irritated and furious by things by girls parents and doenst care to react when EXACT same things their mothers do to dils in mutli-fold...

    I really dont know how an apple can be rotten in their mils hand and same apple is good their mothers!!!!! HOW! Men, dont you incy wincy bit get a teeny tiny doubt if this was HORRIBLE double standard?....
     
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