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Dont Know To Handle Spouse Even After 15 Years

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BoysMom, Feb 23, 2020.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,

    You are tolerating too much for your kids. You have lot of patience. I cannot imagine living with an abuser. If my dh do the same next day I will file divorce. I cant take it. No to abuse. Anyway, everyone's choices are different. I am not able to understand the lack of empathy towards you in this condition (3rd trimester plus lot in your hands). Is he human? Unbelievable.

    In this situation buy more time to decide. Sorry to say its not possible to change him unless he decide to change, which I doubt. He is expecting that you will tolerate this nonsense for ever. Whenever you are yielding you are encouraging him to repeat the same. You need to change your response.

    All I want to say is you need to stand for yourself and kids. They are learning from him . These kind of traits can repeat. Also he is teaching them to not to respect you. In future if they disrespect you or treat their future spouses this way, it wont be a surprise as your dh learned these traits from his own narcisistic (Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia) family members. I feel he should think about kids than himself. They need both of your attention and care at this age.

    Sorry for your condition. Please don't take any more abuse from him. Living alone is better than being unhappy with an abuser. You need to set a boundary. More strength to you. Being alive is important than anything else.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2020
    AmulB and sindmani like this.
  2. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok, you seem to be confident ( although personally getting slapped while 3 rd trim is pretty concerning)

    Do you have any wholesome reliable friends?. Well something needs to be seriously done. Call you parents and then look for a job once the newborn is 3 months old and leave your husband soonest?.
    He aint going to change darling.. the change must come from YOU. Else the natural course is that you will just continue like this until the end. Are you willing to look for a change or asking us how to ignore all this and keep going?.
    Take care.
     
  3. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    True totally. I once saw my dad throwing a plate away with food out of anger. My dad was a wonderful parent but with anger issues that he was not corrected in his childhood.
    He understood it and he eventually got into spirituality and calmed himself and bettered himself for the sake of his family.

    I love my dad to bits and cherish him for all the good memories and the inspiration he became ( for me and for his students)over time. But I still have glimpses of that throwing plate. That one incident... It wont go away!!!...
    These bad memories are very very sticky!!.

    Do you think your H has got any hope that he would do go for anger management for his kids?.. else for the bad memories he is giving; no amount of good memories will be able to cover them up.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    They are his friends and socially your families are meeting, here nothing is yours.
    do they really stand up for you if you and kids go to their home for one night to get a shelter? do they help you to work with a women protection org / lawyer and keep it secret till all you prepare to send legal notice? even any body being kind and they want to help also they will not as your h is egoistic and nobody wants problems, everybody has their own..
    Parents want socially nobody question them on your marriage or divorce, it needs lot of inner strength to go against society norms. so they sent you back.
    Pls understand only you can help yourself here, you seem so naive, believing his words again and again like he support your pregnancy etc..

    you said 6 months once it happens, it reduced, if you disagree with him everyday it happens everyday. You learned how to not make him angry and that is why it is lessened. It is not his change. He knows you have no help from anybody.
    How you so naive after living and travelling this many countries and looking how educated western women are in offices etc being assertive.
    Pls think and do your research and take care of you and kid, I feel you still have 2 months in hand, once baby comes it is tougher and you will be tired all ways...and no time for yourself to even think this type of things.

    what are you looking for , how to handle him? you don't handle him, don't trigger his angry points , do your life planning calmly and live for yourself. As a grown up why you need parents approval to take decisions? are they come and stop when he hitting? your life is yours you didn't write it down to anybody.
     
    sindmani, MalStrom and BoysMom like this.
  5. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes I understand fully, I feel very insecure to come out and dread to think about th3 life ahead. For now, I am going to stand my ground to stay here with the kids for a year. Hoping he goes to India leaving us here. this one year will give me the needed time and experience to live alone with the kids and ll decide from there.
     
    Topaz49 and KashmirFlower like this.
  6. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    So sorry to read your story. Are you Canadian citizen or resident? Know your rights and options. Be strong. Make your kids talk to their dad. I will keep you in my prayers.
     
    BoysMom likes this.
  7. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    so sorry to hear about your situation.

    people never change, your H will never change.

    He will only change, if not changing is more dangerous to his life / career or finance.

    15 is a long time, you have tolerated a lot.

    you will get great inputs from here. after some years in married life and that too in your situation, never compromise on career. now you are pregnant , it is over to blame anything or say anything on that.
     
    BoysMom likes this.
  8. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Very sorry to hear ur situation. Physical abuse on preg woman — so pathetic. Are his parents alive, do they know this. What ever might be the situation, he cannot be physical on u.
    Why don’t u just relax and tell him u will obey to him when the time comes of moving. Even if he forces u to travel at this time, the flight attendants would not let u travel in ur 3rd trimester does he know he cannot take u forcibly. Contact ur on/gyn and get a some written note that u need complete bed rest and cannot travel and make him believe u cannot move out until the baby is born. Would he go w u on every visit to dr. I’m not sure how this will work out but, pls don’t step out of the country at any cost. U will loose the chance of kids citizenships and u can find work once baby is born... for sometime act as if u will do what he says then get a dr note and no travel certificate — I’m not sure if something like that is there, I could sound lame here but try every option to not leave. Take any Indian associations help if u can. In worst case u and kids can stay back.
     
    BoysMom likes this.
  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    If you call cops on him next time he slaps you, I am pretty sure even in Canada he will be charged for domestic abuse and will go on his record. this might even affect his chance of getting hired when he changes job. Can you use this to threaten him not to physically abuse you?
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  10. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    I won't tell like the others to call cops or leave him, because I know and understand what you are going through. I also know it's futile because calling cops will not do anything good and you won't leave him because of your current situation. But you shouldn't have had the 3rd one in this kind of a situation. You should not have done it. But since you did it already, there is no use regretting. Just carry on with your life. It is very clear he is taking you for granted and he is just hitting you because you mean nothing to him. Please wake up and do something, perhaps concentrate on yourself and a career, whatever it might be. Frankly, what can anyone advise you in this situation? One has to take care of themselves. I feel very bad for you and sympathize with you, but you have to make a resolve and get out of this. I don't feel good giving you this advice, but I understand exactly what's going on.
     
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