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Dont Know To Handle Spouse Even After 15 Years

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BoysMom, Feb 23, 2020.

  1. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Never argue or fight in front of the kids. This should be the ground rule for
    both.
    When he is in good mood you can discuss with him and tell him that since both of us love our boys, we don't want to impact them by fighting and arguing in front of them. Ask him directly "they learn what they see. Do you want them to argue and fight when they get married?"
    You have to communicate and discuss not fight and argue
     
  2. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    I dont think, he even cares to think this deep. He ll throw all these tantrums only when we dont agree to his way , never cares if his involvement is not there.
    He likes to be in the center of attention and his new job provides the perfect opportunity where he could be the head of a group. he cant live without family for following reasons

    1. He wants to showcase, he has a top notch family.
    2. He cant come to terms of spending here with India earnings even for time being.
    3. Ppl here and ppl back in India would look down on him if he leaves me behind withoit any job and a new born and 2 big kids and he wont like that at any cost.

    Hoping, he has to come to terms that kids future is more important than his jump at this point in time.

    He ll try to convince me stating he ll put the children in International schools and even push it further by making application and paying their fees even before we agree. I have to wait and thinks of ways to tackle it all
     
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  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Then you should be able to stay in Canada and not agree to go to India. At least this time you have to stand up for your kids sake.

    "He wants to showcase, he has a top notch family." This could be something that will tarnish his image and reputation if he resorts to hitting you. Because, you are not going to keep this a secret anymore.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2020
  4. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    I even reminded him to keep his voice low as they are sleeping. He replies, you did start all this and thats what you deserve. children seeing this through is my fault because I satrted all this by not agreeing . He cant think of anything when he is angry. When Italk to him when he is not angry, he would finish it like he is not Gandhi to keep calm as its all my fault.
    He apologised on the go in the morning for hitting. Trying to be nice and extra polite by doing house chores. Only god knows whats comming up.
     
  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you know very well that you are in an abusive marriage, and ideally should find a way to leave. But, your circumstances trap you, especially with the pregnancy and all. Since we can’t solve that issue, let’s think about the immediate problem- moving to India. Btw, I am not against moving to India- I’m just thinking out loud.

    You seem to have chosen to stay in the marriage for security your children (and peace for your parents). So let’s continue to think about them in this circumstance. Moving a teenager around 10th std is one of the worst times ever. My cousins had moved during this time period, and while they did find a way to settle into their new lives, there’s a lot of academic and social roadblocks. Neither of my cousins hated India or Indian way of life, but they found it easier to be themselves and pursue careers, in the western world. Regarding the new baby... you may actually have more support in India, as you might be able to hire help to postpartum and all. Your parents will also be able to give you more support and you needn’t be put in abusive situations because of the reputation your husband will have to maintain.
    Long term plan... you will have a better chance of being separated in Canada than in India, if that’s what you want eventually. Going back to India would limit your options, and once your children grow up (and pursue their lives) you will be stuck with this guy.

    Your sons are old enough. What are their thoughts regarding the matter? It’s their future that you are impacting. Do they want to move, are they reassured by their father’s promises? What are the feelings regarding their father? You say that they love him, but do they fear him or respect him? What do they say about his bad behavior? If they are defending you, you’re their mother, they would do this. But at the same time, they are picking up on your husbands habits and it may shape their own future relationships. You need to work on setting clear boundaries on what you will tolerate from your husband and what will cause him to lose you. Your sons need to see that you are strong in that way, because it’s not good for them to see their mom powerless. Whether consciously or unconsciously, they may respect you less (I’ve seen this happen so many times, which is awful, because mothers tend to have deep connections with their sons).
     
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  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow, that’s all the signs of a serial abuser. im assuming this has been brought to his family’s attention. Hitting is never acceptable, but is frankly even worse when your are pregnant. Do you feel like you are in danger?
     
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  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    No apology will suffice.
    "He wants to showcase, he has a top notch family." This could be something that will tarnish his image and reputation if he resorts to hitting you. Because, you are not going to keep this a secret anymore.
     
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  8. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    10th in India even if it's IB or IGCSE is quite stressful.Please make your H understand that your child's high school is important at this stage.He seems to be selfish and self centric with his decisions.Please keep you and your kids as first priority.May be he can join India company and see whether he is able to adjust with the work culture there.Later you can decide what you want.Buy some time now
     
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  9. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    Whole family is like this. He is only half of his mom.
    Nope, dont sense any danger.
     
  10. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    If I tell anyone here, he ll pack up overnight and move out or wont come to meet anyone and live secluded or cut off their relationship.
     

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