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Dont Know To Handle Spouse Even After 15 Years

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BoysMom, Feb 23, 2020.

  1. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    Glimpse of my life
    I am a married woman living with my family, husband and 2 big boys 14yrs and 11 yrs. I have lived in many countries(in Europe) and lastly relocated to Canada on my work to try out a english speaking country for the sake of children who were in 6th and 4th grade then(most of the european countries have school system in their language)
    This was mutually agreed decision with my spouse and he had a bit of a struggle in landing up a job initially but eventually landed in a very good and interesting one.
    This job switching and relocation was never a problem with us with young children. I have quit jobs and moved with him for his career all the time and always had issues in finding a new job with the european language barrier. But I didnt mind much as I prioritized his career over mine.
    We had one similar issue before while having my second child. We wanted to have the seconds baby's delivery abroad , I was over 7 months pregnant with the second one and a very active toddler to take care. We have planned for my mother to support us and booked the tickets. My husband got a new onsite opportunity for 4 months (in another country which is 4 hrs away) around this time. First , when he told about this over pbone I was exicited and happy for him, as this would give a break in his career. Within an hour, I started realising I cant handle the delivery alone with the toddler and a typical Indian mother in a non english speaking country. I was way past my travel dates to travel to India for delivery. Husband gave a very tough time and accused me saying I am a blocking obstacle in his career and I dont like him growing and all nonsense and he hit me as well when he cant get me to agree. Finally, I didnt have any choice, we preponed my moms ti ckets and used another family to take care of my son on the d day and he landed right before the delivery as I called him when labour started and stayed with us for week before leaving again. I very well remember all the hardships I have to go through on my own, even when he was around.
    He made me carry the washing machine along with him one flight of stairs during my second pregnancy. During my first pregnancy, his whole family didnt offer any help in carrying a full gas cylinder from another appt in1st floor to mine on ground floor. He couldnt help as he was at work and said do whatever. we ran out of gas in the middle of cooking, everyone (preg SIL, her first child, MIL and myself were home then) they were on a trip to bangalore and visiting us, I am new to blr too and all this happened in the middle of working day while i cane back from work for lunch.
    He behaves like one selfish monster who cant prioritize others situation over his. When everyone is around and he is not occupied with anything, he will behave very lovely and will be behind me all the time as though he is a loving husband.

    Enough of flashback, here is my present situation. I left my very good job an year ago due to late hours of work and cant spend time with my growing teen children. Even though it hurts a little when husband says , you are eating in my money, I am happy with the way the life is, I have enough time to cook for the family, look at the childrens education and spend time cleaning the house and go out during the daytime and keeps myself busy. Everyone is happy at home and no more rushing and yelling.

    Here is the new turn, I got pregnant again , unplanned. Had a tough time in taking the decision , I was not very sure to keep it as I know handling teens witj my pregnancy will be a roller coaster and I am old too, my eldest is 14 already. My husband kept insisting that we should keep saying our life would be even more happier with a new born etc and he ll support me through. I am became sentimental too thinking that we didnt plan and we dont have any right to stop a life etc. I am in my 3rd trimester now and we have got visas for my parents to help out during the delivery and they would also visit my maternal relations in US for a month after staying with me for 3 months and return back to India. They cant stay longer here as my fathers income is still depends on his presence there and my sibling also had a new born recently.

    Here is the problem,
    Now he has got a new job prospects in India for which he would like us to relocate after the baby is born in 3 months time. His arguments are, its good position for his career and eventually want to start a business in the same line and going back to India is always our wish after settling children here.

    Even though part of me want to say, lets not relocate now...., knowing his character , I am ok with his move as his parents are ageing, it would be nice if he is reachable in needed times and I have no other choice when its his career. But I would like to stay back for an year and relocate for the below reasons,

    1. My eldest is in 9th grade , I want my eldest to finish 10th grade and relocate for 11th, he has never been in Indian edu system before.
    2. I cant plan and relocate with a new born in 3 months, I need time for my health to recoup and take care of the baby first.
    3. We have spent quiet sometime here, would get citizenship in one year for the children.
    4. We need to sell our house, wrap up all the other investments in this country and get rid of things we have at home etc.

    We did even workout our finance to manage for 1year here when he is away, it seems manageable including 2 vacations to meet each other in a span of 5 months.

    But he is pushy, hitting and abusing started already as he didnt know to handle this situation, he dont want to leave us behind. When I state all the above points, he replies then leave now with children to India before delivery. I am in end of 7th month and what about my children and their education and to top it all, he didnt still get the offer yet.

    We knew this couple of weeks agoand I am not suppose to discuss the situation with anyone nor book any tickets for my paren. we agreed to book this week as they have us visa interview scheduled and the return tickets are their proof to show that they ll return back to India.
    Since I started booking the tickets, he started abusing and telling all nonsense and hitting without any reason and finally after a couple of hrs of drama , with my childrens support he was able to communicate that I have to wait for a week as he may get the offer. If he gets one , he has to join by august 1st.

    I tried booking the tickets thinking this one year setup he agreed too. I needed some info from him regarding the card to do the booking and i did ask from the living room. He was awake and watching something in thw bedroom 15 mins ago, he didnt answer me, I said ,dont pretend as though you didnt hear. He came like a threatening menace and grabbed the laptop, threw away and slapped me. Started shouting that I have to throw the money to my parents and i dont respect him, saying " dont pretend" is the disrespect i did now. I am always like this a psycho in his life not wanting him to grow and I should run away to India now.
    Both my children woke up from their sleep amd came to mu rescue and talked through and finally he said,
    wait for a week until he knows. And finally he said, he will see to it that I dont get any sleep here on for days as I wake him up from his sleep.

    I know he is much more capable of 100 times like this when he want his way. This is just a teaser, I am confused, tired, sleep deprived and cant discuss this with anyone, most of the time he is working from home, dont get any lone time, he cant stand me sleeping in the noon either, keeps on commenting about that too.

    What do you think, I should be doing to handle the present situation ?
    All ideas would be much appreciated, thanks for the patience to read the long post.
     
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  2. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    First of all let me say this, “hitting under no circumstance is acceptable”.

    After carefully reading your post, you should have been very careful, not getting pregnant again (for your sake) knowing your DH. This, in fact complicates things a whole lot and limits your options.

    Good thing is that you have worked and you can work again.

    It is very difficult for your children to adjust at this time. Their education is important and you should find a job and stay back until kids are out of high school.

    With the difficulty in getting a citizenship everywhere, it would be foolish to leave without getting citizenship. Besides, that would give your children an added opportunity.

    This may be one time, you should stick to your gun and put your foot down. Start planning to stay back and let him know this time he won’t be able to get his way for your children’s sake. He is the one who would have to make the choice of staying or leaving. You have seen the last 15 years, you may see this next ?? years. You may want to find a way to prove physical abuse. With modern technology, it isn't difficult to capture the hitting.

    You should be the changing agent for things to change. By not standing up for yourself, you let things to be the way it is now. Unless you want this to continue, stand up for yourself. You are stronger than you think.

    This response is strictly based on the narration in your post. There is always 2 sides to the story.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2020
    joylokhi, AmulB, sindmani and 2 others like this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are you continuing to allow your husband to hit you? Doesn’t Canada have the equivalent of 911?
     
    sbonigala, sindmani and Sunshine04 like this.
  4. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply and I ll try my best to stand up for my children this time. I understand theres always 2 sides to the story but considering the situation, having a pregnant wife and a high school student , I dont think anyone ll think about their interests all the time and he has a good job here too.
     
  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    You capable of working and in foreign land with better laws, why you and kids going through this?
    Your husband has all narcissistic personality. Please read about that and save yourself and kids.
    Do plans to live in Canada and get rid of him, it will get worse and worse and never going to get better, do you see any hope here?
    Only think about you and kids, not society, relatives or even parents. Here you have to take steps.
     
  6. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    He has a bad temper doesnt know to handle a conflict, his behaviour changed over years for better, still has room to improve. I am tolerant and also I feel insecure about what next after calling 911...
     
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Unless you do something his behavior is not going to change. He knows you will put up with anything. Start by calling a women’s helpline.
     
    sindmani, BoysMom and Sunshine04 like this.
  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    You cannot change anyone but yourself. You need to ask yourself what is it you want. If you stand up and put your foot down, he would have to make the choice of leaving his kids and go to India alone.

    If he loses temper and hits you then that would be the time to collect proof of his physical abuse.

    I would think twice before calling 911. The best thing would be start planning how you can be independent in case if he leaves to India alone. It is very possible he may change his mind when he realizes that you won't be going to India with him.
     
    joylokhi and BoysMom like this.
  9. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    I tried calling a helpline long time before, all they could do is listen and reassure that I am doing the right thing. I dont know what I am looking for, by calling them except for venting out.
     
  10. BoysMom

    BoysMom Bronze IL'ite

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    Getting rid off him is not an option for me.
     
    Amulet likes this.

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