1. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Don’t Want To Go Back...fight With Hubby

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Jul 12, 2019.

  1. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,192
    Likes Received:
    3,329
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Nakshatra,

    One has to experiment with options and not go with one's need alone. What if husband doesn't want to come back immediately and changes his mind to come after a year? He also needs a cushion to find a comfortable role back in India. A primary earning's member's career plays an important role in taking a decision.
    What if Anika herself wants to go back to him after a year ? Things will not remain the same after a year as they are now. At least it will give them a satisfaction that they worked on various options and whatever option they choose it was a well thought out decision where one did not sacrifice career nor one's emotional connect to a particular place whether it is in India or the US. .

    Again all this experiment will work depending on kids, their school and how they deal with mummy papa staying apart.
     
  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    801
    Likes Received:
    1,353
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Anusha,
    I understand your thought process and you are giving the best option to Anika as per her mindset and priorities.Its really confusing what solution to give since she is not able to bear to part from her friends and life here.

    But like you said, it's just I feel it's a big sacrifice for a married couple with kids to stay apart for one year for these kind of reasons like friends and social life , and one can never guess how it will affect the family bonding, emotions or even how it will be perceived by her husband as something very selfish.How will husband adjust alone in a foreign country/culture without family and being a single kid or alternately , being separated from his kids even?I'm just focusing on the practical aspects and family emotions.
    There are so many women craving for husband's love and appreciation, so many working mothers cry to spend more time with their kids.If one is blessed with a good family, one should not sacrifice it for the sake of friends/acquaintances .And if husband clarified about settling abroad before marriage, then it is unfair.
    Already her inlaws are complaining that she is leaving her husband and visiting every year. So I feel one has to take decision also considering the emotions of husband and kids- they should not suffer. As a married person and parent, one cant take decision only based on ones own mood. especially if kids are small it can be unnecessarily traumatic for them to adjust with separated parents in different countries.One year is a long time for little kids to be in this separated situation in different countries.


     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2019
    anika987, shravs3, Sunshine04 and 3 others like this.
  3. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,731
    Likes Received:
    2,877
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    All of the above can be dismissed if the OP does not depend on the "provider" in phoren to support her and her kids. The children are already with her, and therefore there is no need for further "permission to travel" from the spouse. If this instance isn't used to stay permanently in India, and thus escape from the drudgery of the USA, and she goes back with her kids, additional "permissions to travel" from the "daddy of the kids" may not be forthcoming. The (refusal for travel-permission to the) children could be used as hostages to keep their mother in permanent servitude [ and BTW, why "servitude" is acceptable while "slavery" is too strong?] to the husband and household.
    Children had been known to be weaned off their pater in less than a year.

    The OP is now in a moment of grand decision -- to be free .... or submit to the whatever.
     
  4. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    284
    Likes Received:
    435
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    We are not contemplating if India or US is better. As u can read from Anika's message she seems to be leading a settled life but she doesnt feel at home. But as roghtly put across by a couple of IL's here the decision to come back to India has to have her H"s acceptance as well. Vacations are temporary relaxation periods but then reality of life is the same - the bills wont stop coming, kids education wont stop, her role @ work is not indispensable and so on. Situations in life wont remain happy and relaxed at all times. Thats y the saying 'Make hay while the sun shines' . Just because of a minor emotional moment giving up on everything in hand is sheer madness !
     
    anika987 and SinghManisha like this.
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,386
    Likes Received:
    22,133
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    This level of anxiety is not normal.
    This behaviour is not normal.
    May be seeing a therapist will help.

    How would you feel if your husband did this to you because he missed socializing with friends?
    Are you really happy in your personal family life?
    This level of escapism points to deeper issues.

    Why can't you make some Indian friends abroad and do what you do in India at some level if that is the only issue.
    Go out for movies and brunches with the girls .

    Move into a more Indian locality.

    You and your husband need to sit down and talk about short term and long term plans truthfully .
    Find a alternate plans .

    Like a poster suggested.....stay on your own for sometime in India .Look for a job and deal with life in India.
    It is easier as a guest....but having to live and manage your own home is different . Different,not difficult .
    If you stay longer ,your family ,inlaws,friends may no longer be supportive and available .

    I am assuming you are dependent on your husband financially. That makes it more difficult.


    Pick up the phone and talk to your husband.Whatever your decision,first talk to him .
    Escapism is not going to help any one .
     
    Radha99, anika987, sbonigala and 4 others like this.
  6. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    129
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    The problem with the idea of live in india for a year is - there will be a sense of it being temporary.

    Imagine if you are told that you will live in USA for a year vs, you are there for good. Your lifestyle choices will be different. You will rent instead of buy, be careful with your money instead of planning for the long run.

    If you are going for good, the thought is, lets buy a home, lets start a business, find the school where kid will go until high school, attend family functions and develop relationships with relatives for the long run by investing in it.

    Not so, when she is on her own and for a year ( like being in probation ).

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    More on this later
     
    anika987 likes this.
  7. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,553
    Likes Received:
    1,431
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Agree with you but it help gain perspective.

    In her case it is very difficult for her husband to leave and come back to India suddenly.

    Living a year by yourself in India managing all hassles
    may throw a different perspective.

    Dealing with traffic , bills, maids ,no water , no electricity and other million day to day irritants will definitely be there if you are Managing by yourself be it one year or more.

    At this point I am thinking all is taken care by parents she is getting the best of India visit which may seem too lovely to go back to us.

    Also her kid is in elementary , this is the time she can take a year or two and try out India living ... later once kid moves to middle school ,it will become all the more impossible and she will live with this regret that she missed so much of her life.

    She will be in much better stage if she can experience life in India with all its glory and pitfalls . At that point if she chooses USA or India , she may be at peace with her choice .

    Right now it is not her choice and is being forced to live a life which she has issues with because of husbands job , kid etc etc etc .
     
    hermitcrab and anika987 like this.
  8. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,553
    Likes Received:
    1,431
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Ni response from Anika , has she already travelled back to usa
     
  9. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    636
    Likes Received:
    1,520
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree ! Husband having to give up his established career so that wife can connect ; dance; go to restaurants with friends , seems a little unreasonable to me.
    People might move , even within India for their career. So it’s not like these friends and friendships are permanent .
    No one plans their life and career around their social circle. Social connections develop during the course of life .

    From what I read, Anika should work on improving her confidence and self esteem first. It will help her connect with people better without feeling lost.






    [/QUOTE]
     
    anika987 likes this.
  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,509
    Likes Received:
    1,787
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Anika is not responding. Maybe she is angry coz some posts called her immature.
    @anika987
    Please update what you decided :hello:
     
    SinghManisha likes this.

Share This Page