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Don’t Want To Go Back...fight With Hubby

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Jul 12, 2019.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Guys..am here in India for a vacation.Its hot and humid,am at home mostly,one or two movies,couple of times with friends for lunch,meeting family and of course arguments,not much social life gained weight by eating and lack of exercise but I feel very much “home” here.much happier..

    Infact I do a lot more in USA and keep myself busy,life around kids,gym and have lot of other hobbies,financially much secure but always felt heavy in my heart..a void.I felt like a fish out of water always...something never feels right.


    Nowadays I don’t pick up hubby calls as it reminds me my vacation is going to come to an end..I just bluntly told him I don’t want to go back and started wailing..a fight followed.
    I am feeling jittery and my mom sensed something wrong..continuous arguments in the home..I cried again and my mom wanted to think about hubby,job and kids but for me I don’t want to go back ..feels like a nightmare..

    Hubby says he is working hard there and it’s not easy to find a job abruptly back in India and we have other financial obligations.Also,kids future etc all needs to be thought of..I understand but this time the feeling is extremely strong that am scared myself..What to do..
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I have read most of your posts and there seems to be a undercurrent of unhappiness about being away from India, your lifestyle, your choices, others lifestyle and choices and others perceptions of you.

    Anika , life is never perfect. You have to find perfection amidst the imperfections . I think you are very confused about what you have and what you want.

    Take a mini break at moms house. Think hard about what is making you unhappy.

    It is not fair to your husband , you suddenly declare you will not come back.
    I think your behavior here is a little immature.

    I am not sure but from what I read you did not have marital issues ? So dont create one if everything else is ok.

    I also feel you are missing a purpose in life. A hobby , a job , volunteering position something. Find that purpose.

    Seek counseling if necessary.

    I will finally add, none of us here have perfect lives. We are all trying to be happy. Running away from problems is not the solution for any of us.
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Anika, you always loved living in India.
    Dont spoil your life for silly reasons.
    Take a vacation every year to India
     
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  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    what your husband says is correct. However, it depends on the area of the job. It is not clear if you work or not. If its been so many years working here in the US, it might be difficult to get an equal opportunity with similar benefits in India. Also if your husband is not ready to come back, and you are the only one who is insisting (and if you are sort of springing this on him), it is a problem. What about your husband and kids? Would they like to settle down in India? What would you want for them? What would you all want as a family? Make a decision that is logical and practial and that would make most sense for all of you. If you truly want to settle in India, try discussing with your husband what the options are. There is always a way.

    I agree with @SinghManisha here. you have to find out what is making you unhappy in the US and what is making you incredibly happy at home. May be you can do something similar when you go back. Ask the question, why you feel so?

    You can always visit your mom, or she can visit you. It is hard to leave the family and extended family. End of vacation is always hard. Till this date, I miss my family, I get to see them in person only once a year or two. It is hard, but I knew I will be going through this when my husband and I made the decision that we are settling here away from families. It was a tough decision. But we know there will be vacations, or we can always talk on phone or facetime etc. We never felt we are missing a lot. But it is just us. Hopefully you will also be able to find a balancing solution.
     
  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks guys..this time it is frustrating..
    Yes I have always loved India..something about our country keeps me dragging back there but the intensity seems extreme and even I can feel it...

    And this time there are people including in-laws irritating me asking “ Why are you coming to India every year?? No one does like that”..

    I will tell u all some truth..

    I have zero social life in America..
    It’s not coz of others but in India I have so many acquaintances and few friends that I keep meeting them and the variety of restaurants and even went out for dancing..it was awesome!!
    I can talk anything under the sun with them..


    There in America..I can’t seem to find that connection..some of the women are good and they are my friends but something is lacking..their interests and mine differ also...Plus life is so mechanical and same malls,restaurants..

    The place is more beautiful but it’s like a dead painting.I also feel insecure there..
    Life seems dragging...the winters are stressful..

    Natural,spontaneity,laughing from the heart,eyes having life,expressions..I feel ALIVE here...
     
  6. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    If you are feeling so strongly , why don’t you stay in India for an year and see. I think you is still in elementary school ... can afford to still try out in India and decide later.

    Or More frequent trips is one option , expensive but a trade off , I know people who fly down for a quick week in India during spring holidays or so mainly due to parents health , but you should be able to do it.
     
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  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Girl. Use this.
    Stay only at your parents house.
    Since they are irritated by ur visit.
     
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  8. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    I feel you. the thing about friends, it is true. You have to work hard to have good friends and maintaining them. But I dont know if it is wise to leave America for that reason. Also, do you think all these people will stand by you when you have a problem? Don't you want to have your husband by your side then?

    our roots are in India, we will never forget that. It is hard to blend in here in America, if you live in a city with less indian population.

    Try writing a pro con list about staying in India and staying in America. It might give you more help in making a better decision.
     
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  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    I would take this as a compliment. You are able to visit every year. it is a great thing!
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @anika987

    I am not only reading this OP, but most of your posts in similar line to give you the below response. It may sound harsh, but you gotta accept that truth is harsher than lie. There is no point in giving you some sugar coated response when you seriously need a solution. So, try to swallow this bitter pill. You will be alright very soon.

    Life in India and the US is completely different from each other. One need to be extremely flexible to adapt to the new changes in their life style to cope with such differences without any complain.
    Some people are somewhat flexible, and they do cope.
    You seem to be not at all flexible to fine tune this reality. However, you don't seem to understand this either.
    You try to fake a "flexible nature" in you, and make name sake friendships, and parties to allow yourself to the demanding social life in the US.
    You try to fake a hobby, an extremely artificial routine to make yourself busy, so that you could kill your time in the US.
    It may seem perfect for others, but your heart knows how imperfect all these arrangements are. Hence the problems.

    Let me explain this to you through an example...

    I may look like a very modern woman outside. Because I groom myself that way, and project my life style accordingly to the outer world. It is due to the social demands, and I have no issues in doing so.
    That's how I fit myself at work place and other areas that are so close to my life.
    However, I am not that modern inside.
    My heart loves to sit in the floor with mom, snacking some of her crispy eateries, watching TV together and gossiping about everything under the sun.... We do that daily, and we are not tired doing it till date.
    The happiness grows when kids join us, and we do things around the family... Like cooking, playing with kids, watching a family movie together etc...
    The presence of close relatives around us, and handling their day today life's matters together at least once in a day keeps me alive.

    I miss all the above when I am in abroad. To pacify my boiling heart, I go for yoga class, I spend many hours in the work place, spend quality time with colleagues on friday nights and what not.
    I can do that as long as I stay here for work. This is how I pass my time and stay efficient here.
    But I can't accept this as my life. I would look forward to go back to home to lead that simple, yet rich life as per the wishes of my heart. That's where I feel like living.

    That's one of the main reason for me to stay back in my home country, and never thought of migrating. However, with all the practical demands of today, I can't sit on the floor or gossip with mom where as I could bring a rich salary in $ to home... You see my point....
    I feel like I sell my real happiness to earn a good money, and then buy artificial happiness (Yoga class, parties with friends, outing with colleagues etc) to compensate it. I know this, since it is a known decision of mine.
    That's why I am very sure about the dead-lines of this contractual life.
    Say... for 2 yrs, 5 yrs, etc... after that, I know that I will be home forever to live whatever the life my heart wants.

    It is time for you to discuss this with your H.

    Think about permanently moving to India with kids, yet your H can visit you guys once in 6 months on vacation till he works there.
    After a while, when circumstance changes, you can move back with your H, and opt for a better future for kids.

    One of my colleague has PR from Australia. She was like you, and did not enjoy the life there. She moved back to home when her little one was just 2 yrs old.
    Her H stayed there, and visited home initially for once a year, and during the latter stage more frequently.
    She established her home here, put the kids in good schools, and lead a beautiful life till her 75 year old mom's death.
    Its been 20 years since her marriage, and older child is about to enter college.
    Now that, she feels like joining her H. The paper works are going on, and she will move there very soon with family.
    According to her, her H spends very little time at home due to his demanding job and western life style (friends, parties on holidays too). So, there is no point in crying alone, losing her career, time with parents and all the other happiness for life.
    Now that, she gets 100% of her H whenever he is on vacation. And 100% of everything else as she is at home.
    I mean, it is a wise decision
     

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