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Does Living With Inlaws Ever Get Easier?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Kera, May 23, 2018.

  1. Kera

    Kera Silver IL'ite

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    For those who have years of experience, has it gotten easier and more comfortable. I have a very unique situation in that we don't live with my parents in law (they retire and went back home). Instead we live with my older brother in law and his family (4 boys and wife) in USA. My BIL is 20 years older than my husband and has been "taking care" of my husband since he was a teenager.

    My husband feels obligated to stay with his brother and help raise his nephew, sort of play the grandparents role since my inlaws are not here. When I got married, I never imagined I will live with my BIL. We don't have financial struggle to live together. Even my husband looked for apt for us to move during wedding time & I already owned a house before marriage that is rented out. But my husbands relative first requested him to stay with his BIL for the wedding party to show respect to his brother, which I agreed to & didn't see any harm in that. I am a nice girl after all. But then my husband didn't make any more to find a place, I pushed, fought with him, he insisted on buying a house instead of renting or moving to my rental place, we fought some more, I brought a new house & then it was apparent he still was not ready to move. His mom from back home told him to stay together until his nephews are "mature". Guilt, loyalty, or comfort.. I don't know what is keeping him there or what goes on his head.

    I made peace with my living situation & tried to make best out of it. I treat it like a studio apartment and stay in my area most of the day. I rarely go to common area like kitchen or livingroom, instead I have a minifridge and TV upstairs where I stay. So I don't interact much with my SIL or BIL even thought we live in same house. I know it is rude but I feel uncomfortable inserting myself in their life. My husband lives the same way, he rarely interacts with adults only with the kids. I play with the kids too but I don't consider the house my own, only upstairs area as my own. don't get me wrong my SIL/BIL are nice people & never did any wrong to me but I still feel awkward & still live like a guest after 4 years of living together. I work and I eat out & I go to gym & I travel a lot so I am rarely home but every few months something happens & I get mad at our living situation & also at myself for still keeping everything awkward. IF I just go downstairs, help in the kitchen bit & make small talk everyday, we can all be one big family but I don'.. I can't..
     
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  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    It's not a great feeling or a great place to build a home where you don't feel like you belong. What is the point of living like this when you will feel like a guest forever n confined to a room? How long are you planning to keep at it?

    Your bil n his family are nice people, it's not like they are torturing you. Have seen the question of whether it get easier to live mostly with the monstrous in laws problems. You have a problem with the living setup, which you need to decide whether to accept or make a change. N it's not an unreasonable expectation from you either.

    There's nothing wrong in feeling loyalty towards family. I have seen many families buying or renting houses right next doors or in the same society or area to be close. You can do that too. Even if you move next door, you can see the kids everyday. Help them out. N still have your own home n life.

    If that's not possible, you already own places, why don't you move into one of them, one closer to your bil's house by yourself, saying it's convenient for your work or some genuine sounding excuses like that. Finally your hubby would also have no choice but to move in with you.

    None of these changes has to be bitter or negative. Come up with a very convincing reason or many reasons' n move out seamlessly n in a positive way. Make it sound like it's not a big deal at all n don't tell anyone else till the move is done. All those relatives will only spike up the guilt factor even more n make it difficult. Convey to your hubby that this is a deal breaker for you so you will initiate the whole thing.

    Any change will happen only if you make it happen. Your hubby is not in a position to take a decision right now due to his own reasons, could be genuine, or just the comfort of it, or guilt, n men at times just needs that little extra push to decide, so it's upto you.

    Make a choice between continuing to stay or moving n stick to it. Don't let this ruin your marriage as these things tend to grow into a big deal as years goes by n your anger n bitterness will spoil your mental n physical peace n in turn your marriage.

    Who knows, maybe moving might help in having a lot healthier relationship with your bil n his wife because it will make you a happier person.

    Or if you choose to stay together, start putting in the effort to be one big happy family. They are good people. N it's a beautiful feeling as well n you will have a big support system in place when you have your kids.

    But decide n stick to it. Don't let this build.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2018
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  3. rupz

    rupz Silver IL'ite

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    @Kera

    No...it does not get easier no matter what or how many years pass by..in laws are all together different category. But they do advice and help when required.

    As your situation is different.

    I believe you could make more out of this situation.
    As you travel a lot you need not worry about your DH wellbeing or the house you all live in.

    If you want to move out and stay separately discuss the pros and cons of the same. As expenditures will increase. And staying together does distribute the responsibility.

    If you have already decided to move out, validate your reasons to your husband as well, making him understand your concerns and feelings.

    Am sure he would definitely acknowledgement and be with you in your decision.

    Stay Strong and keep smiling.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2018
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  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Gold IL'ite

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    It seems they are nice people and not causing any stress or controlling you in anyway . So I will suggest try to look at the positives , and be a big happy family if possible
    But there are some people who do want privacy at home and it is important for them ... Then tell your husband option of taking two flats in the same apartment . Then you can have privacy plus the nephews will be next door .
    I understand a newly married couple require privacy in initial years of marriage and the woman perhaps wants to feel the freedom of running her own home according to her ideas. So I think that's a good option and no one will get hurt . First find such a place and then make the suggestion . Your cosis may be able to understand if you explain to them that it's just for having more privacy with husband that's all so they would not take it personally .I think the solution is to have some space but still be together (nearby).
     
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  5. Kera

    Kera Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Ashneys for the comments very nice, on point. Few things I bolded are things I have thought about & struggle with. But I am not bold/courageous enough to make some of these stands. I have debated with myself: should I just get a place of my own and live in both places until hubby is on board & should I put my foot down and tell husband it is a deal breaker. I don't have the courage to be that stubborn & I don't want to ruin my marriage over this. I am afraid if I force my husband to move then he might resent me especially if one of the nephews do turn out bad & he thinks if he was around things would have been better. I don't want that responsibility on my shoulder. I want husband to do it out of his own will.

    Also I am not smart enough to convince husband to move for us & even for his Brothers family as they have growing kids and kids need more space. I tried, tried a lot, even the pro and con list but this is one area of life husband is not comfortable sharing & he knows its not a logical decision he is making but an emotional one. So I let it be. But the anger and bitterness is growing even if I try to mask it by thinking about the positive like RUPZ mentioned in her post.

    This is how I have been justifying my living situation by thinking about positive aspect of this. I do visit my parents often without worry about hubby or house. I took a trip to Japan with my sister without feeling guilty that hubby is left alone. these are nice perks but there are other times when the negative side kicks in like I want to have my parents over for dinner or invite my cousins but I don't because I don't feel like its my home. when I walk down the home section in store, I get a urge to buy things but again its not my home. At certain stage in life we want our own place and make it like our own. Most times I can just push those desires off by saying, I can take my cousin to restaurant or running a home is not fun why do I want all the extra responsibilities. but every few months the anxiety kicks in & I am upset.

    I don't know how others handle this & like I mentioned my BIL/SIL are not mean to me. I just feel awkward, its all me
     
  6. Kera

    Kera Silver IL'ite

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    When we looked for a house after marriage (or I dragged my husband to look at houses with me) I suggested condos/duplex next to eachother. But his brother makes 1/3 of our salary and has 4 kids with stay at home wife. His brother is afraid to take mortgage & honestly can not afford some of the nicer places. I also suggested we find something with in a mile from his bro but husband turned that down because it is not a good area. Honestly I can't tell you what my husbands thinking is, all I know is I live with my inlaws & I can't get myself to be "one happy family".

    Every time I come downstairs & interact with them, I always say "that wasn't bad, why don't I do it more often" but the next time/day as I sit in my Pajama & tshirt upstairs I think about going downstairs & debate if I should put a desi kameez on + dupatta. I think about how weird it is that I haven't cooked anything for days & for me to walk in the kitchen like I am one of the kids & eat my SIL cooked food, and what conversation am I going to have with them...etc and I stop & say "forget it, Its too much work. I am not going downstairs."
     
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Gold IL'ite

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    I can understand your problems . I only suggested to look at positives and be one happy family since from your post it is clear your husband is in no mood right now to move out .
    I will repeat that talk to your husband about your concern again and again . Even talk mildly to SIL how young married couples need privacy in initial period of marriage to bond . Only if you keep discussing it again and again will they take it seriously .
     
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  8. messedup

    messedup Silver IL'ite

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    Your anxiety and getting upset is not a matured feeling that's why you are not able to act on it. At present you are getting all the facilities but you don't have any problem with the facilities they are providing. You just have the problem with the space they take to provide you facilities. If they or you will shift then the things will never be same. At present everyone is ignoring your behaviour considering you as immature and you have all the benefits of this image. Else a cosister can never do all your tasks without expecting your involvement. If I make tea for my cosister then I too expect atleast a proper respect in return. She is doing so much with little or no expectations still you have the problem. You are at present at the safest side and any of your decision taken with anxiety will put you into trouble. Please be more mature and accept them and try to spend more time with them.
     
  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Gold IL'ite

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    Definitely you are correct her behaviour towards cosis is not at all correct . But we have to understand her situation also . She does not want to live like this and she has been forced by her husband . Some people value help in household chores , while some people (especially newly married ) value privacy and freedom .
    Will a man adjust easily to living with his inlaws , or sister in law and her husband because they have financial issues and need help with their children . Most men behave similar to @Kera when (if ever ) thrown into such a situation . It's her husband's job to notice the awkward situation .at home and make the required changes .
    Still I will suggest to @Kera , that attitude towards co sis is not correct . But at least you should let her know , mildly and politely, your concerns . So at least they might suggest from their side or support you guys to live separately next door /nearby .If you keep behaving rude but she is not even aware what's the issue , then it's not fair to her either . Instead convey your desires honestly but show them respect while you are there . I think that's a better thing to do.
     
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  10. messedup

    messedup Silver IL'ite

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    Your concern is not wrong but she don't even want to take her responsibility. She is happy with her freedom and have fear of losing that. Everyone who live with in-laws have to bear this feeling. Either take all responsibilities and shift or adjust. No midway is there. Feeling separate without any issues is not a problem though. She is trying to find out something from nothing.
     
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