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Does having kids brings DH closer?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sweetestshweta, Dec 28, 2011.

  1. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ladies..
    I had a query and I just thought that it would be great if you all share your experiences regarding this..
    Did having kids help in bringing DH closer to you? My friends who have kids say it happens..A wife's bond with Husband gets stronger after having children and he gets more attached to his wife and kids.
    And then the extra attention he gives to his mother,sister etc. is reduced automatically as he is more engrossed with his own kids..
    Please share your experiences-what happened in your case..
     
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  2. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    In my DH's case it made him more aware of his responsibilities towards his parents. He has always cared, but started to implement after DS. I think that having a kid makes you appreciate your parents all the more, whether you are the H or the W. Going through the sleepless nights, diaper changes, difficult feeding sessions, demand for constant attention etc. makes one realize what our parents went through to bring us up.

    That said, the case may be different with different husbands. If the guy is influenced a lot by his FOO and they take the opportunity to put ideas into his head, it might turn out that he does not bond better with his wife despite the birth of a child. I personally feel that if the dad is more involved in child raising (here I mean putting him/her to sleep, playing together, feeding, giving a bath etc.) in the initial years the bond is stronger, both from the dad and the kid's side. Some men I know tend to sit back and let their wife deal with all the poo, pee and spit, making an entrance only when the child needs to be disciplined.

    If the husband is the primary breadwinner he just might become more responsible with regard to his career and finances after a kid. If he does not, you can take it upon yourself to draw up a budget and plan savings and investment for the kid.

    One more thing about the bond with the wife-I think that raising a child together tests the compatibility of the couple. For ex., there might be things that you definitely want to teach your child; your husband might put his foot down that he does not want the child to know all that. Same might be the case for religious beliefs, outings, schooling etc. If as a couple you are able to discuss all this in a matured manner and act as a single unit in front of the child, it makes your bond stronger.
     
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  3. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Ss,
    Jmo, I have read your other posts. In your case you seem to have a good personal life with your h.
    But, your h has taken up or emotionally having a huge financial commitment to your sil's lifestyle from a simple rubber band she uses to her kids all financial commitment. Basically, with your 2 incomes you are maintaining 2 houses and 4 adults and 2 kids.
    Saying all that, you should have a heart to heart with your h about your dreams as a couple.
    Find out if having kids is in his future plan.
    If so, what is the plan, can you be a stay at home mom, or work part time, or will you be able to spend on daycare, or will your mil, sil, her kids move in
    with you in the name of taking care of your kid.
    Once, you think this through as a couple and resolve it than I think you will be
    happy when you have a baby.
    Definitely having a baby doesnot fix a bad marriage with h.
    But, having a baby and being responsible parents brings happy couple more
    closer.
     
  4. Rums

    Rums Silver IL'ite

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    It depends on mainly the relationship between the couple.
     
  5. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    My Pil were always that kind of people (they admitted themselves) that cared only and only about their family..dad,mom,son,daughter .They believe anyone else has a lots of jealousy for them (even people who they never met,whatever that means) and literally no one else and they brought up the kids in the same way. This thing slightly back fired on them when my DH said" Its first MY family and then anyone else". He loves pils a lot but he says only after his wife and kid (and actually I believe him,donno y!).

    It depends on person,if your H is exited about the kid and going crazy seeing your bump you have good news. If he is like "my mom also had the same situation"...for him its just an another memeber added to his family of he and his mom.
     
  6. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    It depends on person. If dh is giving more importance to his parents, siblings more than wife then he will continue to do so even after having 2 kids. Having kids will never change him. My experience.
     
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  7. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    Very True...

     
  8. Visasri

    Visasri Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Sweetestshweta,

    I read from a psychiatrist's article that men are bonded towards to wife after kids. But not the very moment the kid comes out. Their genes slowly understand the kid nothing but his own version and he needs his wife much for the kid's sake. Then husbands start loving wives more. This is the psychological approach. Even my mom says that my dad attached to his sisters and mom very much. As we grew up it lessened. Even now he will get angry when I talk ill about his sisters(if someone who knows them hears the way I speak they wont mistake me at all). The percentage of attachment grows towards wife after kids. There are exceptional cases too. I just pointed out wat i read
     
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  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes I think having a child takes the bond between the DH and DW to a whole different plane . You are no longer just a wife but the mother of his child....and that typically translates to a very special place in his heart.
    BUT having kids vying to distract him from his parents and sisters couldn't be more wrong.
     
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  10. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    OP - In your situation, I would wait. Let him initiate the talk about kids. If you ask, then he may not refuse you (since he loves you), but he wont be able to manage his priorities either. You will be stuck forever trying to chnage him and he will keep resenting you.

    Even if he initiates it, you would need to ask him point blank about his existing commitments - how he is going to manage that. And havng him stay committed to his promises will be whole another battle.

    Your SIL is using the pity card and MIL supports her too. Once that MIL-SIL team is broken, then perhaps you will see change in the attitude. Otherwise, they will keep playing the pity card and you will be in the same situation. It will be difficult after kids comes, because you will see your kid being iignored. and you will start resenting your DH even more. Think carefully.
     

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