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Does having kid smoothen married life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mcutiepie, Oct 10, 2013.

  1. mcutiepie

    mcutiepie Gold IL'ite

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    As I have shared in other thread, I am summarizing:

    We stay with my ILs in same house. My husband as an individual is a nice guy but is totally under control of his parents. Even shares our personal stuff with them, gives much attention to them and if I am lucky any day, he will give time to me. I opposed many times of not sharing our personal talks with parents but his mother is very cunning lady. She emotionally get everything out of him. Also, he cannot listen a single word against them although he accepts his mother is wrong.This made me speak off all the wrong doings of my ILs in front of him and he spoke all that to my ILs. We had big dramas even involving my parents.My parents supported me.Finally my FIL sounded little sensible and talked politely with me and i clearly stated that I want privacy in Husband-wife relationship and I will not speak a single word about them to my DH.
    There is a chance that he will not be telling our private stuff to them now but still he follows their instructions completly. Although meanwhile I managed to keep myself busy but due to so much of negativity, I am not able to bring back feelings for him or his parents. I carries an independent kind of attitude that we are mature enough to take few decisions of ours but this is not case with my DH and ofcourse ILs.

    I cannot change all this atleast now and have changed my lifestyle accordingly but I am confused whether to plan for a baby or not. My well wishers say that I will be so involved in baby that i will not get time even to think for all this stuff and there is a chance that baby will distract him from his parents. But i am scared of the stress at times i get from our home environment and whether I will be able to give love and affection to my baby. Also, being working I wont be able to give full time to my baby and my MIL will be taking care in day time and since she is so cunning and sugar coated lady, i feel insecure that she will not allow my baby emtionally attached with me.
     
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  2. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    No. Kid does not smoothen the parents' married life. Kid puts their marriage under stress test.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2013
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  3. akanksha999

    akanksha999 Silver IL'ite

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    Even the most happy marriages come under stress with a baby. Having a baby is not a solution, it should be the result of a happy marriage.
     
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  4. Irfana3300

    Irfana3300 Silver IL'ite

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    It gets better, it gets worse. completey depends upon your relationship. Having a baby does bring a lot of stress to all relationships, you need to bond together to make it work.
     
  5. abinayamadhavan

    abinayamadhavan Silver IL'ite

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    As akanshka says, a kid should be an outcome of a happy marriage. But in my case, it did soothen the relationship between me and my DH. Before my son was born, he used to think his parents are his family, not me. Now he says me you are important to both of us(DH and DS), because our lives are meaningful with you :)

    But at the same time, it has worsened the relationship with my inlaws. And inlaws have turned devilish against me and my parents. But I don't care. I am happy with DH and DS. DH cares for me and our son. he takes care of my son when i am not around. DH has changed a lot after our son has come into our life :)
     
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  6. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Depends on you H whether he is willing to set his priorities right atleast after becoming a father ....

    Neither your kid nor you can do anything unless he chooses to change.
     
  7. mcutiepie

    mcutiepie Gold IL'ite

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    @All: Thanks for your inputs.

    Actually I have seen families around where in when first child arrives, every one gets involved with the baby and with no spare time for bitching.

    Good point is my husband is very keen for kids from day 1, so I think he will also pay attention to child, if not me.
     
  8. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Please dont set such expectations from the beginining. Most husbands do not take special care of wife during pregnancy and delivery. Thats also because their mommies will tell them their sons how much they have suffered in their own pregnancy and how you cannot bear pain. This comparison will surelu irk you and be ready for all that.

    This was my experience. My husband was good before but became really insensitive during pregnancy because he would get instructions from his mom about everything.
    He would come for check-ups and stuff but he was not happy about the experience. I would work full-time and do all the shopping and carry everything even during the last stages of pregnancy. My husband did not do anything different during pregnancy but i did not ask either(that was my mistake).She could not bear to see her DS taking care of me(which was nothing btw).my husband would not even call when i was working full-time in a stressful job and ask how iam doing. Not even once. That was my major issue with him. This continued even towards my kid. MIL would come in the way when my husband plays with our baby. Even then, he did not realise it. But fortunately, we were not staying under one roof(still so much tension :( ) To add to that, taking care of baby is lots of work. So, your DH could say that "my mommy handled everything without my dad's help, why cant you?" This is a common dialogue from many husbands. Be prepared for all this and then go for baby. I am saying this, because I was completely naive when i got pregnant and did not know of this forum. If i had known, I may have done certain things differently.
     
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  9. Janki75

    Janki75 Bronze IL'ite

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    Having baby has caused MIL's jealousy to come out even more. However DH is better and mellower.MIL is jealous that my child sees my family. (but they are his grandparents too!) . Positive- it made me a stronger person as now I stand my ground where before I wouldn't see my family much to avoid the MIL drama. Now I don't care and my number 1 priority is my child
     
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  10. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think it depends situation to situation. Most people don't like to take responsibility while some realize that they have to start thinking about their family too. Either case, if your marriage is not completely dead and you are not to the point of divorce, I don't think having a baby late is going to change the situation any which way. You might as well have a kid when you have energy, rather than waiting for him to change and you will be older than you are now. This advice doesn't apply to all marital situations... You should assess how bad your relationship is. Bottom line is a baby doesn't salvage your marriage...it might keep you busy so you won't sulk about how life sucks. Just don't expect extra help from him if you know how he is. Plus better to make yourself independent before you think of a baby.
     
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