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Do You Think This Is A Cultural Difference?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Nylaa, Dec 9, 2017.

  1. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,

    I need some opinions on something that has been annoying me for a couple of days now. One of my husband's cousins (who he's been close to since childhood) called earlier this week and said that he and his family were going to come visit us in the coming week. He told my husband this and he told me about it. I asked exactly when they were going to come, so that we could schedule and prepare things (i.e. know when to pick them up at the airport, have the guestroom ready, and things of that nature). He tells me his cousin didn't say and he didn't ask.

    A couple of days later, I asked his cousin's wife on instagram as we follow each other. She didn't say either and gave me some vague answer ("Soon, in the near future"). My husband brings it up later and I asked if he has gotten around to asking. He tells me that he hasn't asked and doesn't intend to because it's ill mannered as it implies that we don't want them to come. I have never heard this. EVER. Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of hospitality and enjoy having people over but we all have other things going on that we can't just drop. That is why I asked, not because I don't want them to come.

    It's the same thing every single time anyone visits from his family (except my younger bro-in-law and a couple of other people). Whenever my family visit or even friends, they usually tell me exactly when they plan on coming or I ask them and the tell me and they've never been offended by my asking. I'm beginning to wonder if this is a cultural difference as he's Kashmiri (and Muslim) and we're Punjabi (well, Punjabi-Canadian as we've lived here for ages now).

    What do you guys think?
     
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  2. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. it is cultural. You just go about your bizness. If you are not in town when they visit, it is their problem, not yours.
    In fact, you should even plan on being out of town if you can faily guess when they'd be visiting. Unless they get a lesson, how else are they going to learn ..eh?
     
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  3. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    Yes it is a cultural difference. Some people feel so comfortable with other that they believe that asking the date and time will be a formality that they don't do with their dear ones. Its in culture of my ILS too that's why I know about it. You don't need to worry so much about this. If someone is coming without informing then they also do not expect much from you. Just give them a friendly welcome. They will understand and help you out in other works. Keep the guest room clean always. And don't take any pressure. Be cool do as much as you can.
     
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  4. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    They're beyond learning at this point, haha. That's happened before. His parents were not happy when they came to visit for Eid and my husband wasn't there. He was away for a couple of days for work and his parents seemed irritated the entire time he was gone. I mean, they KNEW in advance when they were going to come and they didn't tell us. *Shakes my head*

    That's the thing. They do expect a bit and they get a bit offended if we're not there to "receive" them and what not.

    I do understand what you mean, though. That's what I do when my younger brother drops by. He's still at uni, so his schedule is still a bit iffy and he drops by randomly. He's cool with it. He drives himself to our place and entertains himself if we're away and doesn't expect a ton. My brother-in-law is the same way.
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Really not telling the host when they are visiting is cultural . I have never heard of such things. You tentatively tell you are visiting next month or in 3 months. But never vaguely. I think this is the way of people visiting you ensuring you don't make any plans in next few weeks anticipating them. This is rather rude way to expect being hosted. You need to put your foot down and ask them when they will visit so you have plans for holiday during that time. Lay down the ground rules in your house. So next time, company comes they inform you beforehand.

    This is rather a high handed way of ensuring they get hosted in your house when they visit. You need to tell them if they expect to be hosted they tell you when exactly they are coming.Good Luck.
    .
     
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  6. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    I totally agree with you. I've never heard of such a thing either. When my family or friends visit, they'll say something like "Oh, I plan to come visit the second weekend in November" in advance and then let us know the exact date as the date approaches. If not, I'll ask them and I've never had anyone get upset at my asking or think that we don't want them to come.

    I think that you're right that it is a way to ensure that we don't make any plans in the next few weeks anticipating them. It's totally unnecessary. We'll never tell them not to come as they're his family. It's truly beyond me why they feel the need to be vague like this.

    @MonikaSG You said that this is in your IL's culture too. Where are they from, if I may ask?
     
  7. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    Punjabi
     
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  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    My mil used to intentionally not call people before visiting their homes. Her reason: I don't want them to prep stuff for me. If I call, they will cook or buy stuff for me n I don't want that.

    It used to bewilder me because I felt that's like intruding, I mean you can choose to eat or ignore if you want but what if they had booked a movie ticket or a doctor's appointment or something or just planned to go to the beach ? There can be so many things. Should they have to cancel their plans for this sudden visit ?

    I mostly opt out when she goes like that n will accompany only if they have been informed. Because it makes me feel bad.

    So we have purposefully told the whole clan that we travel too much for our work so if you come unannounced, then most probably we won't be home, so better call.
     
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  9. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    Oh, that's interesting! I'm Punjabi as well and this isn't really a thing with my family.

    My grandmother (mom's mom) is like that as well. She says that she doesn't like people making a big fuss or going out of their way for her. When she's going to visit, she still tells us the exact date and just says something like "You don't have to do anything for me. I'll probably be tired when I arrive," so that people don't make big fuss or feel like they have to take her out or go out of their way.

    My husband travels quite a bit for work and his parents have come by when he's been away. Someone is usually there to receive them and whatnot, so it's usually not too much of an issue. There have been a couple of times when they've seemed irritated that he isn't there. I'm somewhat inclined to give his parents and other people of that age group the benefit of the doubt because they grew up in a different time. Life wasn't as hectic when they were growing up, so maybe they're not used to the idea of giving advance notice. People our age (early/mid 20's) and slightly older is what irks me. How can they not understand that people have obligations that they can't simply drop at the drop of a hat? That's the part that makes me think it's partly cultural.
     
  10. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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