Do would-be Victims get attracted to would-be Abusers, and vice versa

As I'm recovering from a short, yet abusive and traumatic marriage, certain thoughts, feelings, insights, etc are coming up.

From childhood when I did something wrong and made mistakes, I was told that my husband would beat me so bad he would send me to the hospital.

As I got older and did something wrong and made mistakes, I was told that my husband would get angry and irritated at me.

When we were looking for matrimonial alliances, I had to choose from people who were less than the very best because I simply wasn't good enough.

But even in the professional world when I was feeling particularly low, one person who was in management, who was pretending to be a mentor and have my best interest at heart asked me if it's ok if he yells at me and tries to correct me, and I said sure. Naturally, I wanted to excel so later in life I would get the Man of my Dreams. Things went downhill at the former job but luckily, God found me a better job where I am now productive and learning every day.

Few years ago when we tried matrimonial search again, there was someone I was very attracted to. In his online profile that I was stalking, he was showing that he is a sweetheart and totally sensitive. Yet, I had negative vibes about him, but I pushed that down. I couldn't stop thinking of him, and even lost sleep just stalking his online profile.

My elders thought this person was "too good" for me, and asked me to settle for someone who was cute, but not from a good family. That was ok with me, but even days before my wedding, I was still obsessing about this other guy.

Fast forward about a year, we all know this monster I married was a fraud, was abusive, unfaithful, and when I confided in him about how low I feel about myself, instead of encouraging me, he pushed me down further. As a matter of fact if I did something correct, without mistakes, he would say I did wrong and would argue for 2 hours while I tried to calm him down. I let him make me believe I was a bad wife.

Now, God has been kind and kicked this monster out.

But the monster is still within. I reverted to stalking the online profile of the guy who my elders thought was "too good" for me, and I found some disturbing things.

- in one friendship site, he said one of his favorite movies is Stepmom. This is where a succesful lawyer divorces his wife who spent her life sacrificing and caring for her family. Instead he lives with this younger, hipper girlfriend. In the movie, the girlfriend and discarded wife learn to get along, while the scumbag father has his biological desires met

- in another social networking site, he lies about his location. In one place he says he's from one city, in another place, he says he's from another city

- I managed to correlate data to find he has a private instagram account where he doesn't use his real name, or real cell phone number but flirts with women online. Instead he has a KIK and BBM account and gives his account name so anyone can anonymously chat with him. He posts pics of himself so women who don't know his real name, contact info, etc will compliment his pics. Then he puts other pictures to show he is sweet and sensitive, i.e. pictures of puppies, phrases such as "I was busy keeping our relationship while you were busy keeping secrets". Putting these posters with kind words and phrases is something my abusive ex would do on Facebook. But if words are the tree, then actions are the fruits.

- he keeps his Facebook account either very private, or disabled, while his friends he has known and grown up with keeps it public, and even posts pics of their wives and children. He's a grown male, no one is going to kidnap and exploit him!


So I am seeing all these facts and then I am thinking, "only God can bring us together" which is good, because at least I am now acknowledging that God is the one who is in control, not people.

But now I am kind of disturbed at the way I was thinking. I escaped from one abusive relationship, yet I am holding onto hopes that I will correspond with this person even though when I see his online persona, especially where he is trying to hide his identity, I wouldn't want my enemy to marry this person.

One one hand, I have heard of success stories where people go into second marriage and it is the most happiest thing (see my signature).

On the other hand, I am now remembering that my aunt was the victim-type. She got married three times, all males were physically and emotionally abusive. And she also allowed herself to be physically abused by one of her sisters in front of one of her young nieces.

So now I am allowing the healing process to take place. I am yet to read "7 habits of highly effective people" or join Toastmasters, because I'm trying other things such as meditation twice a day (it's making small, yet noticeable and positive changes), and making time for hobbies that nourish my soul.


I feel really good to have typed this up, I was holding this for several days. On one hand I was baking cookies, on the other hand, I was looking at how far I came, and looking forward to the things to come.

I hope this post helps people in similar situations, so they can also heal. The people at IL have given great encouragement, and the action to change comes from ourselves alone. :yes:

 

As a matter of fact I am practicing meditation and mindfulness ... There is increased research that using this in therapy has reaped great results. Irony is this has been around for thousands of years but only now Western medicine is incorporating this.


Also basic things like making time for enjoyable activities that harness creativity, knitting, crocheting, baking, etc .... It makes one "be in the moment" allowing repressed thoughts to come up and be acknowledged, just like meditation.


I hope this thread will help others in similar situation because I"ve gotten more insights from this site than from offline....

 

My God what a disturbing scene!

My ex enjoyed watching Tamil movies and Bollywood movies where women were slapped, publicly stripped, raped, etc

Once we were watching a serial where a girl was being slapped by her crush and she was smiling because he was giving her attention. My ex joked that if he or his mother ever slap me I should also smile.

This will be happiest Christmas with the parties and overeating because that monster will not be there to spoil the mood .....

When I feel I am slipping into unhealthy mindset or making excuses for red flags I say "God, you made me, to you I am your masterpiece, please give my Heart to someone who deserves it"

 

That is a great idea!

There are so many things I wish to do and I stress over how it will get done.

i will write the evening before and pray for God's help