Do we need this change?Raise voice & hurt everyone or be quiet n suffer pain

Hi LL,

I am sorry if I sound like a bad old woman spoiling younger women early in the morning, but it is my sad duty to have to see young women shackled by the chains of badly behaved husbands and in laws in this century. I am telling what I think is right - you may agree or disagree so you are free to take it or leave it.

The only reason men get away with this kind of behaviour is because women allow them to, it is convenient for them and serves as a good ego massage too. How about your trying a quid pro quo with your husband? Say I will be a good dil the day you are a good sil to my parents. Tell him he has to practice what he preaches.

While one can understand that your pil might be traditional and conservative (of course, nothing should stop them from being good hearted despite that), your husband who belongs to the younger generation which should be more forward looking has no reason to justify his behaviour. Obviously he gets his ego kicks out of that - he feels he can control you.

LL, your parents have brought you up, spent good money on your education, you are earning on the steam of that education. You are an adult who knows what you are doing. Why do you need your husband's permission to do anything for your own parents? Don't ask him, just do what you want to. If he or his parents don't like that, let them stew. If you allow them to run your life for you and tell you what to do, believe me they will do an excellent job of it. If you want your independence, you have to fight for it. It is not exactly going to be handed to you on a platter. Men behave badly because we allow them to do so. If we want to always be the good girls round town, then we have to be prepared to pay a heavy price for that. Be the bad girl, you will be happier within yourself, I promise you that.

My dear, coming from theoreticals to practicals, why don't you open a separate account for yourself, put most of your money in there and put only some portion into the common kitty? Besides if things get really bad, you are financially independent, no one can touch you, and if they try to, you are in a country where you have a reliable system of social security where you can complain and get help. So wake up dear and fight for justice. The very culture which they swear by gave you the Gita which says it is as much of a sin to tolerate injustice as to doing it. :biggrin2: So chin up and fight dear.

 

dear op,

you have to be the change you want to see in the world...first you have to decide how you want to help your parents and start doing it...if there is any resistence from your hubby/inlaws, you have to face it and justify to them the need to help your parents...as you are earning you can spend some amount on your parents...

its all there how you set expectations...if you create a need and explain to them with reason surely they understand it...do not make it into a fight between you and they...just explain the necessity and do the needful from your side...

best of luck...

 

Dear OP.

It is one of the most common problem in the modern family. Some DH/ILs are very narrow minded and when it comes to money, tend to overcrowd the DW/DIL.

Yes, you are an earning person and you have full right, how you want to spend your money. It is NOT as big issue, as you think. Try to educate, your DH and importance of helping your parents at their old age as a dutiful daughter and how they also, just like his parents, spent their income in educating you. It is unfair to be selfish, by not helping them. Even though, they are not expecting from their daughter, and it is 'fair/common sense' to supplement their income with a decent amount, monthly/yearly since you are living in abroad/making money more than the family expenses.

All you have to request/get permission from is, your DH and no need to give much weight to your MIL's view.

Well, I used to plead my case with my DH and it didn't work. As I already presented my view point, I have my own separate bank account, and started to send money to parents, as I wish, a reasonable amount. Some times, I tell him ahead of time (depends on his mood, stormy/rainy or sunny at home!!) such as, sister's education/wedding/upcoming parents medical expense or I just send money to my parents, then get ready like a school student, preparing for the 'advisory note or detention' :rant. Over a period of time, we both got used to the 'rhythm'.

Now, DH knows that he can't stop me, prefers to inform him, so that he will not count my money for that month for paying expenses such as 'property tax or life insurance'.

 

i agree with satchitananda...
sorry if you find this rude... but I just dont get it...why do you have to ask for permissions from your DH for doing anything to your parents...

you spending money on your DH's family...is totally cultural... but you spending money on your own parents...is against their family values/thinking... @%$@%

I have many probs with my DH... but luckily this has never been a prob between us (TOUCHWOOD).....from the day i met my DH.. I made him very clear.... that no matter wat he or his family thinks or tells.... my parents will ALWAYS be no.1 priority over them... hence no money issues...

Girl.. you need to stand up for yourself....
remember the times... your parents must have got you so many lovely gifts you wanted.... even in bad times....or only your mom must have got something for you fighting evier your dad or vice versa..... they worked hard all the time... that is the reason you got education, job AND GOT MARRIED to your DH..... it is coz of them...

if you were not good earning would your DH have married to you??? would your mIL have accepted you the same as she does now....think about it...

dear...your parents r old... they need you... you must have been with them for over 25yrs... but with your DH... a few yrs.... just because you are married.... can you forget those 25 yrs... i m pretty sure your answer is "NO"... so if you know tht from within.... just fight for it.... you r not doing anything worng dear...

today it is for money... god forbid.... if tomorrow its for something else..... you have to set boundaries and limitations...

m sorry agian.. if u found this rude.... but as i said.. I just cant take anything agianst parents...

Good luck dear...

 

Do we need this change?Raise voice & hurt everyone or be quiet n suffer pain

Do we need this change?- Yes

Raise voice & hurt everyone - (meaning being assertive)

Raising voice is NOT = hurting others or shouting and screaming.

Raising voice = Defending self against injustice or trying to say our point of view by stating facts instead of keeping quiet in fear.

People who cannot handle the truth will get hurt even if you speak as soft as a whisper. It is the content that angers them. Not our responsibility.

Raising voice = A small price to pay for a clean conscience (or plan B = end up paying a bigger price = shed tears of guilt after parents are dead and gone without any help from our side)

be quiet n suffer pain - No

If a girl is forbidden to support her parents, then parents are right in aborting girl babies isnt it?. So the vicious cycle continues with our help. Why take care and pay huge dowry. Might as well kill her and save money for a rainy day. Oh wait...our parents were not so financially shrewd. Serves them right. They just had lots and lots of love. So we are debating whether raising our voice for them will hurt others. (Sorry op. This is the sorry state of majority of us. Not you alone in particular. Just sharing anguish)

And daughters of rich parents should also never expect any inheritance. Fair enough?

When parents are in need, we are scared to send money because of fear of inlaws / H. When parents are rich, because of pressure from Inlaws / H, we demand our share.

P.S....Husband's definition of culture = greed.

OP,
In majority of cases, if the older generation dislikes the content of your speech, no matter how softly or diplomatically you speak, they will brand it as "talking back / yelling at them" because they want to distract from their mistake (here their greed I assume) and divert the discussion to our way of talking.

So raising our voice which could mean that we disagree with probably the majority view seems to be viewed as yelling, shouting and screaming... And I am hoping both of our definitions of "raising our voice" mean the same (opening mouth to tell our point of view).

 

Don't raise voice....no battles were won by loud noise!.....but act!!...
SEND the money you want to send!!....And let everyone go mad. Its difficult to be right. Screaming won't help your cause...or theirs!...Let them create a scene....whats the maximum anyone can do to you. If they are greedy--they will not throw you out because you are sending money, as you are still an income source; if they are not greedy---they will not throw you out because you are sending money. If they scream--let them strain their lungs. You don't have to unnecessarily strain yours!!.....If they boycott /ignore you.....then be good at THEIR game. If they can be cool with not talking with you......so can you!...
If you fear it will break/strain relationships............get out of this fear......good relations do not work under fear. Compromise has to be both sided.....not under fear or pressure...!!

 

Sorry OP for going off track..

Dear Freddy,
You brought back so many memories....

My mom used to get herself prepared for detention too for some of our mistakes......(she needs alibi to prove that she did not approve our bad behavior like climbing trees and bruising our knees...or eating street vendor's ice cream......etc etc or else she will be punished first for not taking care of us properly). The minute he leaves town for official business, one of us will end up with pop cast. We were a naughty bunch.

It is almost impossible to win an argument with my perfectionist daddy. Mom lived in the other end of the communication skills spectrum. We kids used to "coach" her like lawyers preparing airtight cases and teaching her answers to possible questions. He never scolded us so we used to feel sorry for her but never intended to stop our activities.

Hope I have not upset you in anyway....just remembered those days after seeing your post.

Like vanillai arivipu*? Did that too. Read the facial cues....ha ha ha.

*weather forcast

 

Even I'd say the same as others have said here to send money to your parents anyway if you want to, if they do not accept, atleast gifts on occasions would do.

I'd like to know what your DH or ILs would say if you did not have a brother.

If you do not give in now, your kid will have a beautiful tomorrow, where he/she would exactly know what equality is.