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Do Not Want To Give Up This Time!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by RealisticMe, Jan 11, 2018.

  1. RealisticMe

    RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks dear, every bit of what you said is true. She is always welcome at my place and I will do everything to take care of her in old age. But yes, she is orthodox and may want to live with son and that’s why they are higher priority. Thanks for your advice. I should stop thinking about me and let things be.
     
  2. RealisticMe

    RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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    I would love to get advice about my SIL as well, is there any way the relationship can be improved. Or i should just let it be?
     
  3. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    I had nanny when I had my second kid. It worked out way better. She is almost like a second mother to me. We still meet once a month and she loves my kids. It is almost 5 years since she has stopped working for us but I pretty much give recommendation for her new job . This is the time to be happy. Count your blessings and see what you can do to make your life easier. 2 months time is good enough period for recovery. I'm more worried about your mom who will be doing work for a year. Hopefully she is in good health. Focus on positive things in life. You may not have 100 things you wish for but as long as you condition yourself to be happy and content with what you have nothing matters.
    Thanks,
    Mangaii
     
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  4. Archanaanchan

    Archanaanchan IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,
    Since this is your second, you should be able to manage better. Like the other IL's suggest hire someone for help. Your Mom is still agreeing to help you for 1.5 months is a good thing. Utilise that time well .
     
    RealisticMe likes this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Wow.. I am trying to imagine your mother telling your brother that (not to try or plan for a baby now), and him conveying it to his wife. Or did your mother tell it to them jointly?

    Calculating back, given the 5-7 weeks difference in due dates, when your mother told your brother and his wife to 'cease and desist', was your bhabhi already pregnant?

    Pardon the bluntness, but that is really being a brat. Wanting old mom 'to take a stand' and arguing that 'you asked her 1st'. You say you can get a nanny and have been prepared for that possibility for long, but are subjecting your mom to such avoidable tensions. Don't do it. At this age of your mom, 15 years after your dad passed away, allow her to be happy that both her children are going to present her with two more grandkids.

    Maybe, for whatever reasons, within and outside your control, she likes to spend more time with them? It happens in many families. Parent prefers to stay with one child rather than the other. Often, there's not much you can do about it.

    How do you know this?

    If you really want to know... read your posts. Reflect on them. Think back to the associated conversations you had with mom and brother, in person and over phone, related to what you have written. Seriously, the "problem" is only that your mom is not visiting you when and as long as you want her to. The solution of a nanny is implementable, yet you are brooding on the injustice of it all.

    Can you imagine what it must have felt like for your mom to hear that from you? Her pregnant daughter is upset because of her. You told her if she was sick and couldn't come it'd be fine! But not if she is hale and hearty and choosing to go to your brother's place! Your angst is understandable in a way, but remember that not all actions and resources of a parent will get distributed equally between siblings at all times.

    What should you do? Take the high road. Even if your mom comes in April or stays longer with you, it will be unpleasant over all. Tell mom you have decided to go the nanny route for when she cannot be with you. Count your blessings - supportive husband, pregnant second time, have a fulltime job, can afford nanny, mom who is healthy enough to travel. Let your mom have a great 2018 where she welcomes her third and fourth grandkids with minimal bickering and complaints from you and your brother, bhabhi.

    For now, let things be other than stop bugging your mother about her visiting them more. Both families expecting second kid. That is a big change. All will be busy. Think about how you can keep your conversations and interactions with them mostly positive (and cut down intensity if necessary). Share any hurt only with your husband, close friends or here in IL. Consider your sacrifice as a small bit you do for your mother's happiness.

    Try it.. tell mom that you have thought about it, and don't want her to feel under pressure to visit both children at same time. Drop this "I don't want to give up this time" approach. It is not a competition where the winner is whom your mom spends more time with.

    When you and husband handle such milestones mostly yourselves (by choice or due to no choice), your bond grows. Think of the bright side. When mother/MIL come to help, the baby's dad is often relegated to non-baby duties. Watching your husband take care of the baby (or the older child), or taking care of you in the initial days/weeks, is a memory that stays in the mind for decades.

    Don't mean to get you worked up when you are pregnant... take it easy... think from your mother's POV. Your feelings are valid, even if how you expressed them to mom is not so nice, but, sometimes, it is what it is. Life is not always fair.

    Congratulations on the pregnancy. Enjoy the upcoming months. Observing older kid's differing reactions as your pregnancy gets more visible is priceless.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
    sindmani, RealisticMe, SunPa and 6 others like this.
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmm... Really? In this case ur mother stating that "time between may and dec does not suit my schedule " is perfectly acceptable. One cannot have it both ways.
    This division seems quite unfair even to a casual reader.
    Its really sad when a parent has to choose this way. Be the bigger person. Enjoy the months with ur mom and I hope you find a good nanny .
     
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  7. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Me and Bhabhi delivered four months apart. Due to some reasons SIL came very early from her mother's house post delivery and i was struck in a similar situation like yours. My mom stayed with me for one month post delivery and then went to take care of bhabhi. My mom prefers my brother's house as she believes they will take care of her at the old age. We(me&my husband) had no problem about that.
    What I did is : I read a lot about taking care of infant. Hired a cook. I already had a help to take care of household chores and I had a supportive husband. It was daunting sometimes but very much manageable.
    Don't let your mom feel guilty about her decision.Some parents still feel that only son should take care of them at old age and most of their decisions will be based on this.
    If your mom is available for help well and good. Else be prepared.Take care and enjoy your pregnancy.
     
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  8. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    I have two children and I didn’t ask my mom to come over to take care of me. Husband and I managed quite well. Both were c-section. My parents have visited us several times before and after kids and usually stay 2-3 months with us. The kids go to daycare as usual, my parents are not the caregivers.
    On the other hand, my mom took care of all 4 of my sisters deliveries and pretty much raised one of my nephews and raising other (different sisters sons).
    It is not like our parents love us more or less, different dynamics play role in their decisions. Some children are more independent and can take care of themselves and others might not be that independent. Your mom will be with you for 1.5 months and after that she will be only an hour away from you for another 9-10 months. Count your blessings! Instead of micro analyzing the situation, be happy for the time you will get to spend with your mom.
    Re your relationship with SIL- be yourself. Not all relationships can be great just try to be cordial.
    My SIL and I are very different people. We know our differences and keep the interactions minimum. We don’t talk to each other when my husband and his brother are in FaceTime. Our only interaction is wishing Birthday, Christmas etc.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    One and half months is long time.
    Parents help is a blessing,not a right.
    If you can do with out her ( as you mentioned) please do it without making the poor woman guilty.Thank her for the help she is giving with a smile.

    Tradition or not,she had a right to decide .
    She has given you enough love in your childhood to last a lifetime.

    Sometimes parents are more comfortable with one child.
    My parents stay longer and are happier at my sister's place than mine.
    They feel more useful there even though I provide them with more care and comfort.That is fine .It is their life and their choice.
     
  10. RealisticMe

    RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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    Thankyou for your advice. I understand her situation and have to make peace with it. The advises really helped me.
     

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