Do Kids Birthday Parties Create Comparison?

@justanothergirl and @Laks09,

I genuinely asked for opinion from each one of you (whether it is in agreement or disagreement with my view). Thank you for sharing your views here even though it is different from mine. I strongly believe that teaching austerity to the children at a very young age is as essential as teaching them how to share things with others. Giving is a very important trait that they need to learn early and that too without any expectations in return. It is my humble view that they understand/observe a lot more than what we think that they could digest.

Leading a simple life, developing the attitude of sharing and caring, understanding the difference between needs and wants, etc. are some of the values I believe are important for the children to learn early.

Viswa

 

I think the definition of austerity itself varies from one to another. For a really long time, a friend of mine had thought a smart phone was really extravagant and she did not need one. At the time, she might have been the only person I knew that still had a flip phone until she finally succumbed and got on with the rest of the world!!

Affordability, willingness, choice.... a lot of things go into how someone spends on something. So I really don't think there can be a gold standard on what is correct or what is not.

One of the things that really gets me is when people think "my expenses are necessity, your expenses are extravagance". I went to the AR Rahman concert here in the Bay Area this past weekend and paid for the ticket an amount that might be considered expensive by some people. Before the concert, in general conversation about who was going and who was not among our group of friends, one of them commented how expensive these things were and that she would rather donate this amount for a cause then spend it on a couple of hours of entertainment. Now this same person and I went for a Dushyant Sridhar discourse program earlier in the year, which was not a free event either and we had to purchase tickets. I did not understand why she chose to spend on Dushyant instead of also donating that amount to a worthy cause. I did not ask her of course!!

As I mentioned, there is absolutely nothing wrong in inculcating in the child good values (based on what she believes are good values worth imparting). But to do that by showing someone else in poor light is not necessary at all IMO, and that is what has everyone riled up in this thread. I think the OP should realize that wanting to spend on what one sees fit and being charitable and simple are not mutually exclusive. You can be both, if you choose to be.

 

Hmm...yes and no. A couple of disclaimers before I write anything .I am not by any stretch of imagination someone who you would call austere or simple . Not in the same league as viswa @Viswamitra . Not even remotely close. I enjoy life, people and by natural extension get-togethers. I love my silk sarees/ salwars and jewelry and all the parties I have been invited to and the ones I host. I have not refused anything that my boys have asked till date unless its something thats not safe/good for them. To their credit they have never been unreasonable. To someone who spends a few thousand $$ on one restaurant meal I might be frugal and austere to another who thinks going to temple and donating to a charity is all u need to do I might be extravagant. Its all relative.
So the question of asking the kids or anyone else to choose to celebrate their birthdays simply/austerely doesn't arise. That would actually make me a hypocrite.
That doesn't mean I raise them to be insensitive to the realities of life. I do not have enough occasions where I live for them to just observe and learn. I have to actively talk about it . During my India trips or during my hikes with the boys or times when we have stepped outside the bubble we live in I take time to talk to them. They know what I think of wastage , of giving back to the community, of living within our means of earning things the right way and being gentle with nature etc etc( all good stuff that all moms talk to their kids about ). But that time is not their birthday or few other special days. I simply enjoy them and let them enjoy their day however they want to ..soak in the joy of being their mom. Everything else can wait.

 

Ladies,

By no means I am a saint in austerity. In general, I am frugal in spending money for myself. I don't like to speak about my giving either. Frankly, Rihana opened my eyes when she talked about funding education. I did save enough to pay for boarding and lodging even though my son studied mostly under various scholarships. I didn't want him to start his life with a debt. I didn't use that as a teachable moment. I also intent to share the cost of wedding equally with my son's future inlaws whatever that might cost. I also spent $30,000 for a single vacation in 2008. In the middle of the trip Mrs Viswa asked me whether it was right to spend so much for a single vacation. I responded that it was our 25th year together and probably a rare and only chance to make an international cruise with our son. I never enforce my austere attitude to my spouse so far. She likes her silk sarees too. But when my son is careful in spending money for himself but liberal to give, it makes me feel good.

Note: I don't buy Ostrich and Python jackets.

 

@Viswamitra
Thank you for tagging me.
@peartree has voiced most of what I wanted to say. So have others ...

A few more of my thoughts:
Lavish and simple are relative terms. What is lavish to me maybe simple to you.
Even buying new clothes for a child could be seen as lavish to a family who have only gruel for every meal.

So is it right to say that someone spending more is wrong and to take that one event to decide that they are not teaching their children proper values? Who knows, the parents might have asked the child to earn that money by doing small chores and have already taught the child the value of hard work.

It is also possible that the celebration is half the money they saved for this event and they contributed the other half to charity? Do we know anything about it?

Without even knowing what went on behind a celebration to tell your child or even think that you are better folks than "them" is very unhealthy.

I have this question? Why is it that only when someone spends on parties and weddings do people remember the hungry children in the world?
Other days? Don't our children drive cars? Isn't that lavish when there are children who walk miles through forests to attend school?
Dont our children enjoy ice cream, pizza, and laddus and chocolates? Isn't that unfair to children in the world who go hungry and work hard in quarries and tea stalls under the hot sun?
Our children go to school and get world class education; I am sure not even for a second a thought crosses our minds about schools without roofs or proper bathrooms in some parts the world.
Do we not eat, go to movies, enjoy so many comforts every single moment of our days with nary a thought for the underprivileged?

Then, when others spend a little bit more of their hard earned money than we would, we bring in charitable thoughts and deeds and place ourselves above them; just to make ourselves feel better?
I dont get it... no I just dont!

We strongly believe in giving our children the best memories that we could afford. Sometimes it meant going a bit overboard. My husband and I never always denied and controlled our childrens' desires and wishes under 'good values'. We have allowed our children coke drinks, french fries, ice cream, video games, and television time, and have thrown one huge party at the ages where it was important to them. We have also celebrated with 3-4 kids and one year we just made it a family outing to the beach/zoo. We just told the kids this how it is going to be this year because....We explained the reason matterof factly. We offered no excuse either.
Therefore based on one year's celebration would you call us spendthrifts, or misers, and not teach our kids compassion and values?

Kids parties did create comparison - in the parents minds and unhealthily so.

 

@kkrish,

I have not made any of those judgment ever in my life leave alone in this thread. My thought was if someone feels spending money lavishly for a birthday is unnecessary, that is not wrong either. If you read the OPs comment carefully she never uttered one word referring to someone else. In fact she said she wasn't judging anyone.

 

A child of 4 does not understand charity.

People spend money on first birthday which is mostly an annoyance to the child because the child doesn't care.

But a child at the age of 4 cares about his birthday.

A child of 4 cares about friends coming to a party .

The child of 4 does not choose his peer group.

We cannot tell him you have to be in this school ,in this neighborhood,this peer group ,but you do not get to celebrate a party like them.

We can't send our child to the birthday parties of other children ( because we want our child to be part of the social group and not an outcast) but deny him the chance to call his friends over for a similar party.

Of course ,all this has to be within the financial limit and comfort limit of the family .

But denying your child a party that he cares for and feeding other children doesn't make sense.
Austerity can be taught through out the year in the way one lives.

This need for a party is just for a few years .Soon the child will be embarrased by these big parties and them one can change over to charity and involve the kid.

You can still do most of what you want along with the party . Take the child to the temple. Take the child to the orphanage and make him give some money as donation.

Why deny the kid some fun for a few years if you can afford it?

Do as much as you comfortably can .Children understand if you make the effort.

Do the charity instead of having big functions like mundan ( head shaving ) and first birthdays etc. You are an adult and can understand .

Give the child his parties from age 3 to 10.

After that continue with the charities if that is what one want .

 

@Viswamitra sir, I wish everyone had the wisdom to avoid all the noise and only focus on what one wishes to focus, as you have. You chose to ignore the tone of the rest of the OP's first post and focused only on what she says she wishes to teach her child. I think that is a very impressive quality to have.

I don't think anyone is disagreeing at all on what Vedhavalli wants to teach her child. In fact, I think it is very noble that she wants to inculcate such values in her child at such a young age. That said, I think the means you use to deliver the message is as important as the message itself, and that is where I think a lot of us differ with her.

I love watching the show "Chopped" on Food Network where the contestants are given a mystery basket of ingredients that they should use to cook!! Once when watching that show, my daughter sat next to me and kept asking me to change to a something she wanted to watch. In an attempt to distract her, I just randomly said "anga paaru, yuckeeeeee" (look there, yucky) to her when they pulled out chicken legs or something from the basket. We are vegetarians. She was distracted or we changed the channel or what happened, I really don't remember. But what I do remember is that couple days later she came home from school and said "amma, Anya brought yucky food". Upon further inquiry, I learned that her friend had brought chicken sandwich for lunch. I felt horrified that what I had meant as a random comment had gone and sat in her head like that. Now she was young enough to not have this form a lasting impression about non-veg food or people who eat non-veg food, and it was a learning moment for me as a mother on how important it is to deliver a message correctly. Today, at 8, she realizes that people eat different kinds of food and we do not eat certain kinds of food.

Similarly, when I was a child, I vividly remember this incident. My mom was scolding me for a bad report card and typical of parents who brought up children in Madras in the 80s and 90s, was telling me that "indha maari mark vaanginenaa maadu dhaan meikkanum" (you will only be fit o graze cows with marks like this). I was as usual sad for a day or 2, disciplined for a day or 2 and went back to my usual routine. But I remember that night when my thatha (grandfather)(Oh, how I adore this man and how I miss him :-() was telling my mom why she would say something like that, as if grazing cows was something only unsuccessful people did. And what kind of impression that would give me of Radhakrishnan mama (the person who supplied milk to our house, from his cow shed a few doors down the street from where we lived). From that point on, my mom would only scold me generally for bad marks, never mentioning an if scenario.

The point with both these anecdotes is that impressionable young minds need to be dealt with such care and conveying something her friends' families do is wasteful and she is better for not doing it would tend to send such a wrong message to the child.